I dreamed I won a pair of Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis and had the most fantastic day of skiing in my life. It had been dumping for the last day and a half, nearly two feet of fresh in the trees but my objective that day was to gorilla grip the groomers. I was grateful to be able to gas it as the Matterhorns gleefully grappled the graupel and greased the gates. Then I came to my senses and finally took them into the trees. As the bark flew by, the years dropped away, the wrinkles left my face, my hair turned from white to brown again, my back straightened and I was freed from the bonds of Earth. I land in pillowy powder, coming to a stop and start hiking Horstman glacier again. Matterhorns over my shoulder, not a cloud in sight, last run: 47 seconds; With a smile, I think: Let's see if we can't beat that!
My Sterling skis now magically transport me to Olympic glory at Whistler. Never before has a person won all the downhill skiing events on a single pair of skis. Ski days like this can only be described as art in motion. Then I and my Sterling skis skied down the US Capitol lawn with all the snow we have gotten here in DC, the Secret Service Police hot on my trail. Unable to catch me, I had to wonder if they wanted to arrest me or take my beautiful skis away from me. And then I realized that the dream was real and every thing else was the dream.
With the Matterhorn now defeated, my youth restored, Olympic gold achieved and the Secret Service evaded, I knew that the time had come for the Sterlings to reveal their true power. Their ski powers activated through the silver portals on the tips, and the hour was at hand to become the most powerful alpine racer of all time. With a silver and snowy flash we were transported to Germany, 1936, where we began to win every event in the Garmisch-Partenkirchen Olympics. Their energy unleashed by my unsurpassed skiing skills, the Sterlings were now ready to rip through time and win every single downhill event ever.
The only thing faster than my beloved Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis is my out of control Prius, which could be found careening down a mountain pass. I remembered that the Sterling Matterhorn Skis are so strong and perfect that even my bum knee is miraculously healed, allowing for bumps and turns forgotten for 15 years!
Everything slowed down. It was like entering another dimension. The mountain looked smaller, my long fast turns gliding and riding shape of the the mountain like a roller-coaster. As I came to the bottom of the mountain pass, there was a single skier, the only person within 20 miles. The skier took off her helmet, shook her hair in the wind, and checked out my Sterling Matterhorns as I skidded to a stop. It was none other than Lindsey Vonn! She told me how much she admired my "Sterling" figure 8's and I told her how much I admired her figure.
As I approached the finish line I noticed 3 men in long dark overcoats watching my every move. At first i thought they were admirers but then noticed something sinister about their looks and realized I could not stop but instead flashed through the finish line and slide out into the alley and down past the rathskellar in a blur. I ducked, bobed and weaved as the bullets whizzed by. At this point I really wished it was all a dream.
I heard shots being fired behind me and knew these people meant business. LIttle did they know that even sharpest of sharp shooters was no match for my Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis. The alley came to a dead end and I was rapidly closing in on a brick wall, about eighteen feet tall.
As I sped away at nearly the speed of light, I realized it was time for a true challenge. The silver discs on my Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis lit up and transported me to the freestyle mogul finals, circa 1984. It was time for the run of my life vs. Rudy Garmish, Harkin Banks and Squirrel Murphy. With the Sterling Matterhorns, I knew it was going to be a tricked out ride sending Rudy back to school, forcing Harkin to cash in early and pushing the Squirrel back to the woods.
Then I saw the ski school practicing in Mammoth Mt for Giant Slalom, it was just amazingly attractive. With the Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis I could just burst through the gate and glide through every turn. "I am now the envy of all men and the object of desire of all women," said SteepShots as she tried speed telemarking for the first time.
At the starting gate I said to Rudy, "Well, Rudy...you can kiss my ass! Not on zat side, not on zat side, but right in the middle!" I did a back flip and I was off conquering the moguls, it was as if the lower half of my body was a separate entity entirely.
As the day came to a close and I realized it was time to put the Sterling Matterhorn's to rest for the evening, I sat on a bench outside the cabin door watching the snow falling and wiping them down, caressing each detail of sensual lines and knowing that the morning would bring more of the ecstasy that was experienced just a few hours earlier. Meanwhile I was wondering, "if I were Sigi what could I do with these magnificent skis to turn the boys heads?"
The Matterhorns were so smooth and fast as I chained my turns through the untracked snow, I instinctively reached forward to grab the tow rope as I was momentarily transported to the early morning glass waters on the lakes of my youth. There was a swoosh as I crossed the wake and leaned into a wide, carving turn in the Colorado powder….the kid was gone, but his smile remained. The next morning, I woke up to blue skies and a foot of pow left on the ground from overnight. My Matterhorns were in the sun, reflecting hot rays into my eyes. When I got to Jackson Hole, I clipped in and I knew immediately that these skis would be the skis I need to tear up this infamous mountain.
We got nuked for 3 days straight. Good thing the car was covered and didnt start, so we biked it to the bus stop and saved some gas. At the hill, the crowd was stoked. ACDC was blastin and people were hooting and hoolering before the lifts started spinning. First ride up on the new boards got me going--the heart, the brain, the senses--all heightened. I felt like an animal--and thanks to the skis I was!
I knew in my soul that this day would be the best day of the rest of my life. My soul didn't let me down nor did my Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis as I skied effortlessly through the waist deep powder with the sun shining down upon me.
Early the next morning, Phil and I carpooled to his favorite snowy spot on earth, Blue Mountain, PA. "Phil,"I said, "you've got to try these boards." He handed me his Kastles and stepped into the Sterlings. Nine hours later, over a Yuengling, Phil exclaimed, "Who needs Jackson Hole? I had forgotten how wonderful this place is! This was the best ski day of my life!"
But as I looked around, I realized I WAS back in Jackson. It was only a Blue Mountain dream. I was still in the waist deep hearing shots. Face shots. They were coming from behind me. I knew these people meant business because through the powder filled turns I could just make out Rudy Garmish, Harkin Banks, Angus Young from AC/DC, and Squirrel Murphy hot on my tail. But my tail was too hot for them to keep up with, I hit a mogul with such speed I pulled a triple back flip onto the cable for the Gondola and started grinding my way down the cable doing 360's between the two cables on the way down towards the base.
I hadn't skied this particular run for about 20 years, and as the evergreen trees which had followed the near-vertical 200 foot drop began to clear out I realized why; the slope was almost flat now and I expected to soon be wallowing for about 100 m, stuck in the deep, but to my amazement these skis didn't bog down; they floated and breezed through to the next steep section. And then we were tearing down again, at breakneck speed, the wind whistling past my helmet so fast I thought I had feedback in my iPod.
I arced four looping turns just at the end of the run to pull alongside my twins that had just finished their lessons and I thought to myself with these Materhorn Sterlings, I've had a lesson in fun myself. I called to the boys: "Hey, it's time for just us guys to rip up this hill." And they said, "Dad, you are too old and too slow." I told them to wait until we got back to the top. With that, we headed back to the gondola. When we were looking down over the cornice, I told them, "Last one down pays for grad school."
Needless to say, those Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis just saved me $200k!
But my excitement quickly changed to paranoia, with such great power comes great responsibility and immediately I realized with this newly achieved Sterling Matterhorn Speed, that my skis were now a target of evil doers who undoubtedly would want them. It was then that some wild white haired man claiming to be a scientist from the Sterling R&D department ran up to me and informed me that the skis I have in my possession are very, very special prototypes; a culmination of all his years of research, and that if I were to ski them at precisely 88 mph while having the sterling silver emblem zapped with exactly 1.21 gigawatts of electricity I would in fact be able to ski UP Everest!
As I snapped in my boot, I thought to myself, "Skis this perfect could be the answer to world peace, if we could get all world leaders to take a ride, they would quickly realize that all troubles fall away as you rip down the mountain."
The clouds part and a heavenly chorus sings,
These skis, these skis, are helping my knees
My Brooklyn roots keep me in my boots
But I'll survive on Vail's mountains for sure
For skiing's the answer to avoid being sore
Seeking a slower pace, on to Solitude I did race
No lift lines and beautiful snow
On my Sterling skis I go!
Skiing so slowly gave me time to think, and suddenly, after relating all of the above epic adventures with my new Sterling skis; and not having to worry about my knees or any body aches, it suddenly occurred to me: having only ever skied 120mm waisted reverse side-cut rockered skis, I had never skied a groomer in my life before this wonderful adventure began, and had, in fact, even though I kept it a big secret when I bragged about my powder skiing abilities, always been terrified by them (especially the blue ones as I’ve read so often on the internet ski websites about how downright dangerous they are) and now, praise Ullr, thanks to my Sterling gift, I realized I will never have to fear a groomer again!
With the revival of my groomer skiing ability, I began to wonder. Are these things NASTAR legal? And if so, do they have anything beyond Platinum NASTAR medals?I sidled up to the my idol of yore, as we prepared to load the lift. I asked the Kidd if I could possibly approach his success on my Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis?
Success, suc-shmess. I can finally ski like this man on these Sterling Skis! I see my smiling reflection in the steely edges as they carve into the side of the mountain, bleeding cold and white.....
I got off the lift and suddenly realized that it was still early, the mountain was still uncrowded, the air was crisp, and all I had in front of me was a white slope and a day full of possibilities. I started slow, then picked up speed,and soon I was flying with the skis dancing under me; I suddenly changed my mind, ducked into the trees through my secret passage and immediately felt some adrenalin rush as I was almost touching the branches as I moved through the forest; that woke me up but soon the trees spit me out on the broad expanse of snow on the main run, and I kept making turns in the zen-like state. The lift came way too soon, so I made a few broad turns to break off speed, squeezed into the roped line, got on the chair and absentmindedly scraped the snow from the ski topsheet for most of the way up.
I hit the perfectly groomed cord and these magnificent skis cut perfect arcs in the untouched snow, it was then that I knew Jer was wrong, carving isn't lame. So if carving isn't lame, I wondered what other commonly held beliefs might be false--the east coast sucks? all snowboarders are out of control? there is nothing to do in Utah?--could these skis actually make me a better person?
My thoughts drifted away as I laid the skis on edge, forgetting where I was, when I was, who might be chasing me. The perfect carved turns, the pressure of the tips on the smooth snow, the clean, pure feeling of snow and the dance with gravity took over and I just turned, again, and again, when suddenly I realized that these Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis truly had made me a better person. Not only a better person but a better skier. Using a tool such as this ski is like using the finest cutlery in your kitchen, the finest saw in any workshop and beautiful to behold . It seems a shame to allow it's beauty to be covered by the love of snow. I can't blame the snow for wanting to come along to ride these skis because we are bonded together in this dance on this beautiful ski. As I pulled onto the lift for the last chair back up the mountain, the sun was just starting to tinge the mountain tops in shades of orange and red that perfectly complimented the glorious topsheets of my Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis!
They said Rolex couldn't be done flat out. As the heir to title of 'The Most Interesting Man In The World', I knew this could not be so. Steamboat's Speed run of all speed runs could be tamed. I'd heard of some new wonder ski. What are these Sterling Matterhorn Speed Ski's they speak of! I put em on, skied Rolex flat out and proclaimed them 'The Most Interesting Skis in the WORLD'!
As I flew down the mountain, I wondered about the powers of these skis. Could they bring me the same euphoric feeling anywhere? On the small hill near home? Or did the skis require a mountain worthy of them? While I have skied some special skis in the past, only a few have achieved Bob Peters-like level of quality. The Sterling Matterhorns are of that level. It is rare that a ski can create such a memorable experience.
I gazed in amazement as I opened the velvet lined box, these Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis were beautiful. Then I noticed something odd. What is that, I wondered, tucked twixt the folds in the velvet. Why, it's a coupon for high quality ski lessons. Imagine my excitement!! It felt like a top of page celebration in the making!
After all this adventure on those truly fantastic three thousand six hundred dollar skis I was thinking just how gaudy I looked while riding on a six pack lift next to a guy who works a second job that pays for outfitting his kids head to toe including rentals and lift tickets. Which caused me to quickly put the skis and the special carrying case on EBay with the proceeds going to help a single mother of three offset a Pell Grant she lost while trying to get her oldest enrolled in Metro State. I ski better now.
Those skis were sold to sold on Ebay to me, who will ski them proudly and loan them out to Bears if they wish to give them a whirl; if I can pry them off my husband's boots, since these skis will be doing Dual Duty in our household of TWO, count them, TWO craaaaaazy old fogey skiers who have never had a decent pair of sticks in our whole sorry lives. But I digress.
Then I awoke with the idea that Uncle Louie was on to something with the idea of fellowship and community. Like a bottle of the best champagne, these luxury goods should be shared with loved ones. I skied these bad boys for a day or two then shipped them off to one of my favorite Bears to try then pass on to another.
So when I received them in the mail, I immediately grabbed the first flight to Aspen. Where should I first try these beautiful, awesome skis: the steep and sometimes icy Ruthie's Run on Aspen Mountain, the Highland Bowl on Aspen Highlands or somewhere on the Hanging Wall over in Snowmass? For such a special occasion, I decided on hiking up to the Highland Bowl at Aspen Highlands to avoid the crowds.
After hiking up to the bowl, I strapped on these screamers, chose the best line down the 40 degree pitch and jumped into action. The Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis sliced through the 5 inches of powder that had fallen on the mountain earlier in the day like a hot knife through butter. As I neared the bottom after a record-setting run and hit harder packed snow, I laid the rockets over on edge where they grabbed the snow like a rollercoaster car grabs the tracks.
At the bottom of the run, I looked up to see the sun just going over the hill and dusk starting to set in. I looked down affectionately at these fantastic skis that had transported me down the daunting bowl, making me feel like the Silver Surfer gliding through the clouds. As the last rays of sun glistened on the silver medallions at the top of the skis, I smiled knowing that another Bear was about to get to experience ecstacy on snow. I skied on in, slowly cleaned and polished the skis, put them back in their box and shipped them to another Bear.
But I had to take them back out of the box until the next morning. Sitting in my suite in The Ritz Carlton, I was planning my night. When I was putting my $36,000 Patek Phillippe on my wrist in preparation for Sushi dinner downtown, I realized that the watch was just not impressive enough. I HAD to take the skis with me. I threw on my full-length Ocelot fur coat, threw those beauties over my shoulder and was off to pick up my date, Muffy.
Aw, now, Muffy, youse know youse come first before any ole ski.....well, mebbe not, but geez, get a grip, will ya?
The dame looked daggers at me when I showed up with the Matterhorn's slung jaunty over my shoulder, but she swallowed her pride and spent the rest of the evening resolutely ignoring my beauties. She said to me that if you want to those Sterling Matterhorn skis, just whistle. You do know how to whistle don't you? You just put your lips together and blow. When I opened the velvet lined box, it came quite naturally. Then it hit me, I was late for the Olympic Giant Slalom at Whistler.
As I walked to the venue, Sterling Matterhorn's boxed and over my shoulder, I tried mightly to remember the course details to no avail...becoming more and more frantic as I approached the staging area. I set the box down, opened it, removed the Sterling Matterhorn's and as if in a dream, the fastest line came to me.
I heard people say, its not the skis, its the skier; but as I started my run, it quickly became apparent that that truism had an exception. With the Sterling Matterhorn connected with VIST bindings to my custom canted and fitted boots, I enjoyed stability and response unlike my run on the Grizzly Downhill at Snowbasin four-years earlier. My visualized line became my reality, and Muffy's screams of encouragement quickly faded as the speed built. The tenacious hold of stainless steel arching out of the top gate encouraged yet higher speeds; but could I hold against the g's pulling me down the mountain?
I ran into Pamela Anderson and Megan Fox on the lift line at Solitude and they asked me to ride the chair with them. We hiked into Honeycomb Canyon, a blizzard blew in, and I had to build a snow shelter and hunker down overnight with them. I kept their minds off our desperate situation by recounting tales of me skiing the Badly chutes and East Castle. I kept the frostbite at bay by rubbing their bare feet and legs and wherever else frostbite was setting in. I led them out to the Honeycomb return the next morning to a cheering crowds of hundreds. Okay, maybe it was just the two guys operating the lift but you get the idea.
The winding road down the mountain was packed with snow. I had to leave fast, or else. They were closing in and fast. My choice of vehicles was grim. The Camry or the Prius. Great! I can fly off the cliff now or wait till the brakes fail. Just then a mysterious woman dressed all in white and wearing a headset walked up. "Here, try these. Quick! There's not much time." She handed me a gleaming pair of Sterling Matterhorn Speed skis and then walked away. I'd heard about these mythical beauties but there was no time to examine them. I clicked in the Sterlings and headed off down the snowy road.
The Sterlings accelerated rapidly. "Who waxed these, Atomicman?" With my first turn I blew past a line of cars as the skis bit into the snow and propelled me around a turn like no vehicle on earth. I left the cars in a cloud of snow from the speed.
I looked back and out of this cloud saw the snowmobile chasing me. I went into a tuck and the Sterlings propelled me even faster down the hill. I needed to make it past the sheer drop offs to where I could ski down and lose the snowmobile.
Another turn and I must be going 60! The Sterlings held an edge like nothing I've ever felt before and rocket me around the turn. I launch off the side of the road and after seemingly forever stick a landing into the powder. The Sterlings just bounced me back up and off I went. The skis amaze me by ripping huge turns in the powder like it was groomed. Is there no limit to these things? They are the one ski death defying, life saving quiver!
I make it to the bottom road. Quickly I take off the skis and use the Sterlings bright metal discs under deep coats of glossy lacquer to signal a vehicle coming towards me. A van pulls up belching smoke. The driver smiles. It's Jack. Jack Black.
Jack invites me in to his van and offers me a toke on his hookah. His eyes gleam as he notices my Sterling Matterhorn Speed skis. "The skis look so elegant", says Jack. "Nicer than any guitar I have. How do they ski?"
"Let's find out and start an avalanche," I replied. So he strapped them on and did his best Brando imitation, yelling "STELLA!" until the snow began to move on the mountain above us. Teeth cliched on my Avalung mouthpiece as a blanket of white overcomes us. The silver emblem on the tip acts like a beacon of hope as the wave of fluff creates the perfect storm. No need to swim to stay afloat, I am on my magical Sterling Matterhorn Speed Skis. I hear a voice from a far: "Point them down!"
Such as that one time at band camp where he met Bill Gates and learned that the meek--make that the nerds--will someday own the earth. Anyhow Jack placed his Sterling skis onto his shoulders and swaggered into a local eating/drinking establishment and asked a waitress, "What have you got? She replied, "The Key to the City for you!" Then he met the new mayor. While the Mayor was passing me the key to the city, it became quite obvious that he was hoping I would put down my Sterling Matterhorn speed skis so he could abscond with them and use them to impress the visiting head of state from The People's Republic of Boulder.
Immediately, I realized my dream seemed to be quite strange. Feeling a twitch in my shoulder, I rolled over, squeezed the wife, and re-entered a different delusion. I found myself in the 2014 Winter Olympics. On my left, Lindsey Vonn. On my right, Julia Mancuso and Maria Riesch. Unisex Skiercross!
The Matterhorn Speed Skis glimmered underneath my feet. With a properly aligned set of Sterling Poles, I knew I was here for business. "Attention!"
Most people thought I was dead when I landed at the summer games in Rio. And I never did find out who won that first and only Olympic flirtation with bisexual ski cross. But those skis were like being shot ouf a cannon that was its self being shot out of a larger cannon and must have been traveling as critical velocity after the wholeshot. Almost two years had passed on earth but for me it was instantaneous.
But I do remember woundering how we where all going to polevault with our skis on? So I refused the Gold Medal and handed it, and the Matterhorns, to Shaun. But now Lindsay Vonn wants me to teach her to ski on them before her next race. What can I do? I just hope Shaun let's us borrow them for her next race!!! So Shaun gets this look on his face like he had just been handed a bag of sand at the beach turns to me and says here, you look like you can handle these.
Then Lindsey says yes those are the finest skis in all the land and I MUST have your baby which will be named Torah after half-pipe medal winner Torah Bright. But there was a problem. Lindsey actually wanted the Matterhorns PLUS child support from 4cznskier, which is why he should win the Sterling Skis!
Edited by nolo - 2/23/10 at 8:10am