Originally Posted by Philpug
Fixed for ski season...
Whoo-hoo, ski world, the snow is starting to fall! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused bike rack for the unused ski rack on the Subaru.
So yes, you've noticed the air is crisp, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to make some turns. Let's keep in mind that it got cold for all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, cold Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs "Why are there so many people here?"
Are we all on the same page now about it being cold outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for skiing? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.
SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:
- I don't know what size of boots you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care what your shoe size is. I don't care how long your toes are. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the ski shop to get fitted for boots. I have two hundred pair of boots in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat @ss down here.
- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your sh!t out.
-I really do need to see your boots to know what is wrong with them. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you f-ing squirrels, it's that "shin bang" means your foot needs to be posted, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure.
- No, I don't know how much a good boot costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good liner. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much".
FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:
- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a soft boot that you can race in makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a boot that fits you, not trying to make your rear entry boots that were too big for you to begin with into a race boot.
- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the footbeds from your sneakers for support doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.
- I love that you have the enthusiasm to mounted your own skis in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Look toe and that Salomon heel don't work together. While we're at it, you people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering f-ing thing anywhere near me.
A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS:
-If you sh!theads had any money, you wouldn't NEED 140cm wide rockers to get laid. Go have a dredlock growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 package skis to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.
- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has skied that "vintage" Nordica 955’s is because they’re shit. They was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still sh!t, even with a footbed.
SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY SKIS:
Good for you! Skiing is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to ski, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.
-Your co-worker that's "really into skiing" knows f*** all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right boot. He wants to validate his boot purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear a matching ski suit with you.
- You're not an Extreme Skier. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.
- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it.
- So you want skis that you can ski powder, you can race, is good for the bumps on Outer Limits (snicker), is good for carving, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, skis can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good.
ABOUT YOUR KIDS:
Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.
- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use these skis. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn things now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the skis in the rack on the mountain LONG before the nose picker outgrows the skis.
- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I measure your kids feet and help them put the boots one, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid feet, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are F-ING AWESOME.
I hope this helps, and have fun this winter riding your kick-ass skis!