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Tips from the bike shop - The best from Craigslist

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 
A few things from the bike shop.

Date: 2009-05-27, 4:05PM PDT

Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru. 

So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let's keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs "Why are there so many people here?" 

Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier. 

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE: 

- I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat @ss down here. 

- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet 
of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your sh!t out. 

-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you f-ing squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure. 

- No, I don't know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much". 

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS: 

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike. 

- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart. 

- I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering f-ing thing anywhere near me. 

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS: 

-If you sh!theads had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on. 

- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's shit. It was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still sh!t, even with more air in the tires. 

SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE: 

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you. 

-Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows f*** all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you. 

- You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. 

- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. 

- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good. 

ABOUT YOUR KIDS: 

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here. 

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike. 

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are F-ING AWESOME. 


I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-ass bike!
 
post #2 of 29
 Someone needs to translate this into ski-speak.
post #3 of 29
 Sounds like a job for Whiteroom.
post #4 of 29
I was gonna ask "When did Whiteroom started to advertise on CraigsList?!
post #5 of 29
Thread Starter 
 I think Phil has the talent to rewrite this for ski speak. 

When I read this the first time I had images of Whiteroom and Bud in my mind.......

Hold your foot up to the computer so I can tell you what boot is good for you. 
post #6 of 29
Hah, awesome!
post #7 of 29
Great stuff guys.

I'm sure this is exactly what my local shop owner is thinking every time I walk out of his store ... with a tire tube for my 15 year old Raliegh Hybrid ... followed by ... " That guy should buy a new bike  ... What a cheap b--tard !! "

It's a good thing my kids are continuously growing and upgrading, otherwise he'd want nothing to do with me !  LOL

Keep up the good cheer.

RMP

PS: Seriously, High-Fives to all you shop owners out there !! You guys deserve medals for what you have to put up with. 
Edited by RMP - 7/31/2009 at 11:41 pm GMT
post #8 of 29
hmm, I think to translate would be very easy, keep the word racer, substitute back country jibber for Triathelete...  I said this before, as I grear whore I tyr to fill my innadequacies with gear instead of skills I think (consciously or unconsciously) that better gear, better clothes, etc will make me think I am a better skier; it doesn't. Being a better skier will make me a better skier. Great article. This season is about being a better skier; Don't get me wrong, I like my gear!
Edited by Finndog - 8/4/2009 at 01:42 pm GMT
post #9 of 29
 Thinking how many "Junior Leases" we do and how many times the parent is trying to scrimp by either putting the child in a less expensive package or in gear too big....I could go on and on. 
post #10 of 29
lets see:  PARENT: I would like to get my daughter some ski gear:  (assumption #1: The parent wants you to use your best judgement to properly size and select the appropriate level of gear for the application)........ she is in the race league at blue this season, it's her 5th year skiing, she is 10.......

Go Ahead Phil, vent on........ :)
post #11 of 29
 More..the 12 year old kid says he is a 10, but measures a 8 and wants a size 12..."to grow into" (SUBTEXT: so they do not have to purchase another boot till he graduates college) and dad is just 2" taller than he is now.
post #12 of 29
Look on the bright side.  I always had boots way to big as a kid and never got seriously because not only did my bindings release under duress, sometimes so did my boots!
post #13 of 29
Thread Starter 
 And Phil.......
This would relate to the doofus who wants you to mount an unindemnified binding on a new ski or.......

Quote:
A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS: 

-If you sh!theads had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on. 

- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's shit. It was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still sh!t, even with more air in the tires. 
post #14 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trekchick View Post

 And Phil.......
This would relate to the doofus who wants you to mount an unindemnified binding on a new ski or.......
 


Led to the purchase of a drill, which has come in handy over the years.

 Many shops around here are afraid to mount Telemark bindings. We are like recumbent riders. "I glad you are excited about that, but frankly, you scare me a little. Please don't bring those f'ing bindings with moving parts near me!
post #15 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by telerod15 View Post




Led to the purchase of a drill, which has come in handy over the years.

 Many shops around here are afraid to mount Telemark bindings. We are like recumbent riders. "I glad you are excited about that, but frankly, you scare me a little. Please don't bring those f'ing bindings with moving parts near me!
Now that's some funny stuff!  You should write that part in ski-eez!
post #16 of 29
Heard at line-up, from a guy wearing jeans, misadjusted boots and rental skis:  "I'm standing at the sign for the level 9 lesson because I want the best lesson you have." 
post #17 of 29
 They didn't have an eleven.
post #18 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trekchick View Post



Now that's some funny stuff!  You should write that part in ski-eez!
 

That's sort of what I tried to do there actually...
post #19 of 29
Thread Starter 
 I got that Rod, I thought you should tweek the whole thing  with that twist. 
post #20 of 29
 Fixed for ski season...

Whoo-hoo, ski world, the snow is starting to fall! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused bike rack for the unused ski rack on the Subaru. 

 

So yes, you've noticed the air is crisp, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to make some turns. Let's keep in mind that it got cold for all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, cold Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs "Why are there so many people here?" 

 

Are we all on the same page now about it being cold outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for skiing? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier. 

 

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE: 

 

- I don't know what size of boots you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care what your shoe size is. I don't care how long your toes are. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the ski shop to get fitted for boots. I have two hundred pair of boots in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat @ss down here. 

 

- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your sh!t out. 

 

-I really do need to see your boots to know what is wrong with them. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you f-ing squirrels, it's that "shin bang" means your foot needs to be posted, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure. 

 

- No, I don't know how much a good boot costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good liner. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much". 

 

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS: 

 

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a soft boot that you can race in makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a boot that fits you, not trying to make your rear entry boots that were too big for you to begin with into a race boot. 

 

- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the footbeds from your sneakers for support doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart. 

 

- I love that you have the enthusiasm to mounted your own skis in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Look toe and that Salomon heel don't work together. While we're at it, you people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering f-ing thing anywhere near me. 

 

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS: 

 

-If you sh!theads had any money, you wouldn't NEED 140cm wide rockers to get laid. Go have a dredlock growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 package skis to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on. 

 

- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has skied that "vintage" Nordica 955’s is because they’re shit. They was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still sh!t, even with a footbed. 

 

SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY SKIS: 

 

Good for you! Skiing is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to ski, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you. 

 

-Your co-worker that's "really into skiing" knows f*** all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right boot. He wants to validate his boot purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear a matching ski suit with you. 

 

- You're not an Extreme Skier. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. 

 

- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. 

 

- So you want skis that you can ski powder, you can race, is good for the bumps on Outer Limits (snicker), is good for carving, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, skis can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good. 

 

ABOUT YOUR KIDS: 

 

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here. 

 

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use these skis. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn things now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the skis in the rack on the mountain LONG before the nose picker outgrows the skis. 

 

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I measure your kids feet and help them put the boots one, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid feet, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are F-ING AWESOME. 

 

 

I hope this helps, and have fun this winter riding your kick-ass skis! 

post #21 of 29
Thread Starter 
 Thanks, I needed that!
post #22 of 29


Quote:
Originally Posted by Philpug View Post

 Fixed for ski season...

Whoo-hoo, ski world, the snow is starting to fall! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused bike rack for the unused ski rack on the Subaru. 

 

So yes, you've noticed the air is crisp, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to make some turns. Let's keep in mind that it got cold for all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, cold Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs "Why are there so many people here?" 

 

Are we all on the same page now about it being cold outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for skiing? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier. 

 

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE: 

 

- I don't know what size of boots you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care what your shoe size is. I don't care how long your toes are. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the ski shop to get fitted for boots. I have two hundred pair of boots in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat @ss down here. 

 

- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your sh!t out. 

 

-I really do need to see your boots to know what is wrong with them. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you f-ing squirrels, it's that "shin bang" means your foot needs to be posted, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure. 

 

- No, I don't know how much a good boot costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good liner. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much". 

 

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS: 

 

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a soft boot that you can race in makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a boot that fits you, not trying to make your rear entry boots that were too big for you to begin with into a race boot. 

 

- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the footbeds from your sneakers for support doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart. 

 

- I love that you have the enthusiasm to mounted your own skis in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Look toe and that Salomon heel don't work together. While we're at it, you people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering f-ing thing anywhere near me. 

 

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS: 

 

-If you sh!theads had any money, you wouldn't NEED 140cm wide rockers to get laid. Go have a dredlock growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 package skis to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on. 

 

- Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has skied that "vintage" Nordica 955’s is because they’re shit. They was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still sh!t, even with a footbed. 

 

SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY SKIS: 

 

Good for you! Skiing is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to ski, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you. 

 

-Your co-worker that's "really into skiing" knows f*** all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right boot. He wants to validate his boot purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear a matching ski suit with you. 

 

- You're not an Extreme Skier. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. 

 

- You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. 

 

- So you want skis that you can ski powder, you can race, is good for the bumps on Outer Limits (snicker), is good for carving, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, skis can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good. 

 

ABOUT YOUR KIDS: 

 

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here. 

 

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use these skis. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn things now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the skis in the rack on the mountain LONG before the nose picker outgrows the skis. 

 

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I measure your kids feet and help them put the boots one, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid feet, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are F-ING AWESOME. 

 

 

I hope this helps, and have fun this winter riding your kick-ass skis! 

post #23 of 29
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Philpug View Post


ABOUT YOUR KIDS: 

 

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here. 

 

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use these skis. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn things now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the skis in the rack on the mountain LONG before the nose picker outgrows the skis. 

 

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I measure your kids feet and help them put the boots one, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid feet, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are F-ING AWESOME. 

 

 

I hope this helps, and have fun this winter riding your kick-ass skis! 





Quote:
Originally Posted by Philpug View Post

 More..the 12 year old kid says he is a 10, but measures a 8 and wants a size 12..."to grow into" (SUBTEXT: so they do not have to purchase another boot till he graduates college) and dad is just 2" taller than he is now.

I expected more of this ^^^ in your kids part. 
But, all in all, your version is freaking hilarious!
post #24 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Philpug View Post

 Fixed for ski season...


FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS: 

 

Noted!
post #25 of 29
 Funny Phil,

Will that be your shop's phone greeting message?
post #26 of 29
Thread Starter 
 That sound like it should be an On Hold Message. 
post #27 of 29

Bump

post #28 of 29


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Philpug View Post

 

- Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie rocker  conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your sh!t out.

 

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS: 

 

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a soft boot that you can race in makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a boot that fits you, not trying to make your rear entry boots that were too big for you to begin with into a race boot. 

 

- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can make a rockered ski by propping a Volant Zmax against a curb and driving over the shovel a few times doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart. 

 
post #29 of 29

TOO FUNNY thanks TC for starting this one , I got tears in my eyes ( and yes CR some of that might have been pointed to you, the rest was I sure pointed at me)

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