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Ski better than 103% of the population!

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
I've been keeping track of all the oddly entertaining Wacko goings on around here since they started - and it hasn't been easy! But, so far I've stayed out of the fray. Well, I can hold my peace no longer. I've developed the ultimate ski learning methodology. It's taken thousands of seconds to build and is undemonstrably far better than anything that's been promulgated before or since. And you can believe me, because I never lie and I'm always right! So, ready or not, here it is!

The front four immutable tenets of the Southern California Hardly Unified Skiing System (SCHUSS):

1. Imitate an animal.
2. Ski a song.
3. Feel the snow.
4. BE the skis!

The beauty of this system is that each rule is absolutely incontrovertible, but within the boundaries there remains room for individual expression:

1. Imitate an animal - any animal of your choosing!
2. Ski a song - you pick the song!
3. Feel the snow - use whatever part of your body you want to!
4. BE the skis - you choose the brand, model and length!

We do include a very few technical models, but only as physical points of reference. These borrow freely from the best of historical and national ski techniques and include:

 The CCM, or Crowd Clearing Maneuver - A Snowplow (we never call it a 'wedge') position with approximately a 70-degree forward bend at the waist performed with arms flailing madly over one's head.

 The LPM, or Liftline Position Maintainer - Involves casually practicing pole plants while in the lift line to prevent people from cutting in front of you.

 The URB, Under Rope Bendover - Very similar to a classic racing tuck but used only for brief periods of time.

 The BFD, or Backside Focus Drill - Find a member of the opposite sex with a cute butt, and follow them down the slope without their awareness.

Then there is the culmination of our system - that perfect blend of old and new, left and right, rotation and counter-rotation, liberal and conservative, rhythm, melody and harmony. The highest state of true SCHUSS enlightenment is exemplified by the perpetually dysfunctional 'Mambo Turn', but only if done in full view of lift riders while wearing at least one article of clothing that exactly matches the color of your skis!

I had considered franchising this system and thereby accumulating astonishing personal wealth, but I've decided that anyone who wants to may use this teaching method freely, as long as they leave an open guitar case near the bottom of the lift and promise to send me half of whatever people toss in there.

For additional details, look for my forthcoming book, "The Incredible Lightness of Skiing," available soon only through late-night TV ads!
post #2 of 30
HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! That is great!!!!! Every day there seems to be one post that makes me smile for the rest of the day...
I think you are the big winner!

Tominator-I just read your profile...I learned to ski at Bromely! Upper Twister first black diamond ever! Summers in Manchester riding the body slide at Bromely!! Wow, the memories~

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[This message has been edited by SkiMinker (edited May 16, 2001).]</FONT>
post #3 of 30

Please don't be shy. Come right on in and join the bru-ha-ha.

And a fiiine entry into the ring it was!
post #4 of 30
Heh heh heh.
post #5 of 30
Thanks and welcome back.
post #6 of 30
Ohhhh, man, do we need your input!

¯¯¯/__ SnoKarver snokarver@excite.com
post #7 of 30
Like, I can dig it........ like I can relate, you know what I mean?

Hope the video will be in color. Promise me that it'll be in color.

Lots of colors OK!
post #8 of 30
Hey man! i'm trying to get sober enough to go out and walk my dog. You just blew it for me. I'm laughing so loud I may wake up the BU students. maybe not a bad idea.

The luck has already left me. What the f**k
post #9 of 30
You should have put a warning on your post! I'm pretending to be doing Important Work here but I think the giggling gave it away.

I could *see* that guy snowploughing towards a scattering lift line, with his arms flapping about!
post #10 of 30
and the promo for the "Incredible Lightness of Skiing" features a sexy czechoslavakian {Or czech or slavic or whatever nowadays} saying in a deep, Soulful voice "Take off your ski boots".
post #11 of 30
Oh yah.... With Wacko and now the Torminator.. and Nordo.... the Rusty Guy... if we ever do the group therapy thing... the therapist is going to love us... we won't be boring ! It will be the highlight of the day... something to look forward to.

Just think of all the time we will have to spend telling each other why we chose our names... of course the theratpsit will go nuts.... cause he or she won't get it.

I vote for the therapist from the "Sopranos," what's her name.... Dr. Malthy ??? Anyway we could easily get her over the edge say... a double black diamond mogul run.

Keep it up guys !! This is getting to be more fun than I thought was possible post ski season.

It brings a smile to your face...doesn't it !!!
post #12 of 30
It brings a smile to your face and it keeps Wink hanging out even after he said bye bye. YEAH!!!!
The therapists name is DR. Melfi.

"Woke up this morning, got myself....

Uh, lets not talk about waking up this morning!
post #13 of 30
What's wrong Lisamarie? Is the sound of your breath too loud? Feeling a bit.... like hurling?

a new signature thanks to dchan...

**Due to the power shortage, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off indefinitely.
post #14 of 30
LM-not sounding too good this morning...too many cosmos last night???

Deep yogic breaths...
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[This message has been edited by SkiMinker (edited May 17, 2001).]</FONT>
post #15 of 30
Thread Starter 
I don't get it! Why are you guys laughing at me? I was completely serious!

Anyway, SkiMinker - here's a Bromley update:

Bromley's got a whole new set of summer stuff to supplement the Alpine Slide. Check out the website at www.bromley.com.

They replaced the old summit double chair with a new detachable quad a couple of years back. My brother bought one of the old chairs, and it's now leaning up against a tree in his backyard!

Magic Mountain is back in business. Snow Valley isn't.

The Manchester Vermont area is still a wonderful place winter AND summer, though the 'downtown' area has gotten pretty congested with the proliferation of Designer Outlets and everything. We tend to hang out more on the Peru/Londonderry side when we're up there these days.

Did you ever go XC skiing at Merck Forest in West Rupert? How about swimming at the Quarry on Route 30 in Dorset? Emerald Lake on Route 7 in North Dorset? Hapgood Pond in Peru? And then there's this amazing rope swing that starts high over the water hidden along route 11 in Peru, too!

BE the skis!
post #16 of 30
Ha ha! I loved the Dorset quarry. I remember going there the summer before my senior year of high school all the time!!! In fact, my first high school ring is in the bottom of that quarry somewhere. I got in trouble for losing it and my mom made me pay for half of it's replacement. I spent the whole summer up there that year. In winter, we spent a good deal of time at Magic Mountain, I can't believe it's alive again!! A detachable quad at Bromely? I can't imagine. Do you know Murray Hill? We used to have a place in there. It was fun trying to drive that hill in a storm! Wow, what memories! Is Mother Myrick's still there? Oh my gosh, they had the BEST ice cream!
post #17 of 30
Thread Starter 
Mother Myrick's is still there, but you can't find a parking space anywhere near it!

BE the skis!
post #18 of 30
Never could! We always walked. yum.
post #19 of 30
Thread Starter 
SCHUSS Update (Sorry - I can't help myself):

Wow! Due to the totally baffling initial success of our movement (more fiber in the diet has helped), we are already making some improvements. After all, this is a dynamic, growing, living, breathing, belching concept. And don't make fun of me: this is for real - or not, depending on whether I determine if reality is just a crutch!

First of all, I talked to a guy from South Carolina who actually claimed to be a 'black diamond skier' (a perfect candidate for our system!), so we're changing the name. It's now XSCHUSS (Xtreme South Carolina Heavenly Unification Skiing System). Hopefully, we'll broaden our demographic appeal to attract the bible belt youth segment.

Secondly (partially due to the threat of legal action), we're refining some of our technical models. For example, the arm movements in the CCM (Crowd Clearing Maneuver) are being toned down to a more bird-like flapping motion.

We're sticking with, "BE the skis!" as our flagship mantra, but we're considering expanding it to, "BE the skis … or the poles … or the boots … like, whatever!"

Also, we're developing some dry-land drills. I was at a mall the other day, and I realized that the BFD (Backside Focus Drill) can be practiced quite effectively while riding up an escalator!

Meanwhile, our marketing arm is busy developing a line of exclusive XSCHUSS products. Currently in development is the Stein Ericksen Wig, to assist the follicle-challenged in performing the Mambo Turn. We're also working on a little beanie with ear-flaps, a chin strap and a propeller on top which can be worn either while skiing or while attending science fiction conventions!

The working title of the book has changed: It should have been, "The Unbearable Lightness of Skiing." A price has not yet been set, but shipping and handling is expected to be in $40 range (no cash or checks accepted - only multi-colored beads please).

Yuki - I'm sorry, but prohibitive production costs prevent us from filming the video in color. However, we plan to include a list of XSCHUSS-approved suggested substances to help you SEE it in color anyway!

Oh and we've got some slogans in the works, too! How about:
 "All you need is gloves."
 "Money for nothing - sticks for free."
 "You say 'Good buy!', and I say 'How low?'"
 "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."
 "If you're not part of the problem, you're part of the solution!"

We've even got a stinging retort to deliver to rude disbeliveers: "I'm high all right, but not on false drugs! I'm high on the REAL things - powerful new ski boots, a smooth wax job and bright shinny teeth!"

And finally (the guys in the white coats are here again), I hereby declare that all Bears are automatically certified in XSCHUSS. If anyone else wants in, they'll have to prove to us that they're certifiable!
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[This message has been edited by Tominator (edited May 18, 2001).]</FONT>
post #20 of 30
Thanks I needed that.
post #21 of 30

How about t-shirts? "Ski to XSHUSS" ?<FONT size="1">

[This message has been edited by SkiMinker (edited May 18, 2001).]</FONT>
post #22 of 30
>>>How about t-shirts? "Ski to XSHUSS" ?<<<

SkiMinker, you forgot the "C", what kind of schusser are you anyway? Do you schuss only straight or do you schuss left and right?

post #23 of 30
I like to vary my schusshes

I prefer long sweeping, fast schussshes, but also enjoy quick little schush-schush-schusses and long staright schuuuuuushes. <FONT size="1">

[This message has been edited by SkiMinker (edited May 18, 2001).]</FONT>
post #24 of 30
Skiminker- Ooooh boy I ain't touchin' THAT one! btw great web page!

OK, maybe I'm a snert! snert was an acronym for something. Anyone remember what?

Also, how does one post a pic in a thread?
Life's a pain... then you nap. Cat philosphy
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[This message has been edited by jyarddog (edited May 18, 2001).]</FONT>
post #25 of 30
I'll take whatever minker's on.
I want a "schussing hat". It'll have two "engines" on either side that make noise. The faster you go the louder and higher the noise! It'll give new meaning to the term "screaming down the mountain"
go to ski classified section look at upper left top on "how to post photos"
Tominator, was Magic actually open this year?
post #26 of 30
Mink: That sounds absolutely LUSCHUSsssss....

Be Braver in your body, or your luck will leave you. DH Lawrence
post #27 of 30
Thread Starter 
Tog - as far as the propeller hats are concerned: Operators are standing by! (I just have no idea where they are and what the number is!)

I didn't ski Magic this year, but my brother did. I understand that they still need more snowmaking capability if they hope to survive long term, though.

BE the skis!
post #28 of 30
Is this the original XSCHUSS thread? Thought I would revive it for Todd.


post #29 of 30
Thread Starter 
This is the ONLY officially sanctioned XSCHUSS (formerly SCHUSS) thread on the web - all others are merely cheap copy cats! (By the way, Todd HAD replied to this one once - when he was still 'Gravity'.)

BE the skis!
post #30 of 30
Hey Torminator, I'm back in VT after a vacation, and I'm still Gravity in my heart! This thread had me rolling laughing! You need to put a book out! I'll see if I can't put a worthy reply to your wizardry out after I wade through these #*&$#*% 500+ emails I have from being gone (and leaving my laptop behind) for a week!
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