Guys, guys...it's not that complicated! Remember, the cow is in "water" (that's the complicated part) and one person can easily move it around. (esp. since you won't get kicked). As for the milking, well these are the other sex so that's not a problem! I wouldn't call them "Bulls" though - nobody is going to be running for their lives down narrow alleys trying to get away from these "guys"!
Oh! I better get to the restaurant before it closes. I told them I wanted to try the Hydroponic Beef tonight. Don't ask where this place is...I swore I wouldn't mention it. (Ya see it's still not approved by the FDA. In fact, the FDA doesn't even know about these "guys". In Argentina though, it's allright. Of course everything with the word "Beef" in it is approved in Argentina...
But shh... here's the scoop. The "cattle" comes in all set up in the special containers with all the hydroponic gear. They're unloaded in Port Elizabeth and taken to Hoboken where they're put into an old (what else) meat processing plant. They maintain some there and some are floated across the river on the train barges and hauled into Brooklyn. So they've got a few containers in Red Hook, Brooklyn. (Actually near where my car was towed to. This is how I first found out about it but that's another story..)
This system allows for the absolute freshest meat to reach the few restaurants that serve it. (None will say what it is though, since they know how Americans are and don't want protests with people dressed as cows chanting and throwing stuff outside their doors) They're trying it at Peter Luger’s, one of the best steakhouses in the whole city, located in Williamsburg Brooklyn. (make sure to take a cab there-it’s a pit) Luger’s just calls it "special Argentinian Beef". From what I’ve heard, it’s Giuliani’s favorite right now.
I don't know about that jalopeno and tuna compote with the beef though. The chef, Carlos, swears buy it though and says he uses only fresh tuna. I asked him "It's not Hydroponic Tuna is it?" He assured me it's not, though he wanted to have the tunas and the cattle in the same tank when they were shipped. The problem (much to his dismay) is that tunas and cattle have completely different diets! They actually developed a compromise diet for both (which wasn't too good) but you see tunas are well...feisty and kind of mean! The cattle just didn't stand a chance in the same tank.
Carlos is really pushing hard for me to invest. He says for 10 grand I can get a share of the business and 70% of the profit on two containers of cattle.(That's 5 cattle in each container). I said, "Doesn't that come with the tunas too?" He told me if I got in now they'd throw in one whole tuna! (those guys who sell baseball cards on tv swear one tuna alone is worth 10 grand so I think this must be a really good deal)
Carlos and company (I can’t tell you their real name) are totally convinced this is going to be huge. I questioned this, that since the FDA hasn’t approved it, and in fact doesn’t know it exists yet I didn’t see how it could go too far. Carlos said the FDA was an anachronistic organization and launched into a lengthy discussion of it. I must say I was impressed by his knowledge of that organization. (It turned out that before he was a chef he was a beef inspector). He wrapped up by saying it really didn’t matter, that they were going to skirt the issue for a while till they built up momentum. I said this sounded illegal. He said not to worry about it, drugs were plenty illegal and people were making a fortune, and any penalty for raising hydroponic cows would be just a small fine. Besides, their big market right now is the Middle East.
This caused me to raise an eyebrow... Carlos went on to tell me how not a lot of people know about it, but one of the reasons the fighting in Israel is so intense is that the Israelis have refused to share this hydroponic cattle technology with the Palestinians. I was dumbstruck at this, but he went on. One of the founders of this technology is actually an Israeli who used to work for the Mossad. (the secret intelligence agency). Because of the shortage of land and the large amount of land needed for cattle Mossad had actually been looking into this in the 60’s. Then all those wars intervened with more important stuff to do. Also, it wasn’t until hydroponics were proven for plants by the California underground marijuana industry that people started to take it seriously. I said "Yeah, but those were plants not animals!" He said yeah but this was Mossad who had a lot more access to high technology than some long haired pot grower with a few plants in the basement.
Anyway, turns out this Hydroponic Beef is pretty successful in Israel, though still hush hush. Officially, the Israeli government will "neither confirm or deny" the existence of this technology. However, everyone over there has no doubts about it. (They’ve eaten it) But here’s the problem, since it works so well and requires almost no land the Palestinians are furious that Israel is controlling this and won’t give them access. The Palestinians figure they could really get a handle on the food supply/cost situation and become much more independent with this. (Yeah it requires some electricity but they can handle that) But the real kicker to them is they know the technology for lambs is right around the corner. Carlos said this was true, that they’re working on it, that it was actually more difficult than the beef due to the thick wool coat etc.. (He didn’t know all the details)
The kicker is that when it works out, raising the Hydroponic Sheep will be far more efficient and cost effective than the cattle. Plus, lamb is huge over there. Our hamburgers are like their schwarma sandwiches. That’s sliced lamb that rotates on a spit and is put in a pita bread with other stuff. I’m telling you they’re delicious. Carlos makes them and they’re awesome (no, he’s not using hydroponic lamb - yet). Anyway that’s huge over there, plus the fact that this Hydroponic Sheep system can be done on large and small scales, well it could change everything.
Carlos says I can’t afford to get in on that action. He says it’s 15 grand now and don’t even think about getting a tuna for that price! I don’t know, it’s more but the potential payoff is huge. (there wouldn’t be as big an outcry against hydroponic sheep compared to cattle also). I asked him if they’re trying fish with the sheep. He said they’ve experimented but have found out that any fish in the container can’t be more than 1/10th the mass of the sheep. (This certainly eliminates the tuna). This had it’s advantages though. In Israel they’re excited because the hydroponic sheep could be raised with gefilte fish in a completely Kosher environment their entire lives! This would enable a special rating by the rabbiis and would allow them to charge much more for the product! Everyone makes out....(This is the sign of a good investment I think)
Oh, by the way, the animals are not totally in the dark. The special containers have a translucent polycarbonate roof that gives them the full daylight spectrum.
I think this is a super deal and since I missed being "in on the Palm beta" (damn that PMTSWacko!) I don’t think I should miss this opportunity. Since I’m new at this, and will have to sell my car to raise the cash (Carlos swears he’ll let me borrow his if I really need it) I thought I’d ask what you guys thought about it.
Tonight Carlos wants me to commit. I’ve got no money right now, but I think for a "commitment" I’ll give him have my poster of Trygve Berge skiing that I bought on ebay. (seems Mr. Berge is huge in Argentina...)
Oh geez it’s late, I’m going to have to eat on the loading dock. I’d better call Carlos...sorry! got to run!...
[ya know, I never should have had that catfish...]