I played team sports from maybe age 8 up through high school. In high school I played football, hockey, lacrosse. One fall I did cross country running instead because I'd broken my leg the year before.
That running was excruciating I don't know what I was thinking when I went for that. I know there's people who love it and live for it. If gyms are the Dungeons of Excruciating Boredom (HH calls them DEBs) than running is the Open Air Torture Center of Ennui (OATCoE to Harald).[note:send flaming arrows to ]www.pmts.org]
Recently I've worked with a bunch of people who never played team sports. Some of them are fairly convinced that these are pretty suspicious activities. They might term them "Un-humanistic" , not Un-American (perhaps Too American). Certainly if you've been involved in a team sport your under a cloud of suspicion and are likely to have some very dangerous beliefs. Let's take a look:
Absolutely the worst. No other category comes close. Everything that's wrong with America is right here. Get rid of this one and we could turn things around.
Likely to advocate a vast increase of spending on ICBM's and to advocate a First Strike doctrine. No amount of spending on defense is enough. Reagan was just the appetizer, they want the whole meal. Invented the phrase "The best defense is a good offense" which confirms all this. Should probably leave the planet since it's too late to rehabilitate. If they did this would be good since foolish women flock to them like bees to honey. Interbreeding perpetuates the cycle. This description is only for the smart ones...
Average players: Likely to do vast amounts of property damage unassisted by mechanical objects. Most likely enjoy hunting animals, possibly without weapons. Roam the streets looking to commit hate crimes. Attitudes on women: look good on the side of the field as cheerleaders and in strip clubs. Will fight over almost anything, anywhere. They are to be avoided. At the slightest sign of alcohol use you should leave any building they’re in . It’s likely to be ripped apart by these animals or even burned down. No respect for property. Property only exists for them to perform exercises. They’ll try to pick up cars, throw tables, smash chairs. In fact anything they can smash they like and they’ll try to smash anything. If cornered by them, try to give them glass to smash. They’re temporarily mollified by the sound. Then run.
Below average intelligence players: (those really big guys snorting up front) Not sure if they're actually human or are farmed somewhere. Possible early cloning experiments gone awry. Only understand how to eat, lift things and hurt people. Utterly insensitive to pain and prove it often. Since intelligence level is somewhere in the root vegetable category, they are not to be feared under normal circumstances. ( Have had no alcohol, and it is not before or after a game) Quite possibly are useful lifting pianos, and pulling cars when their engines cease to function. Should be placed (in a separated area) in the same category as oppressed workers. While this is true, it should be remembered that they should only be approached with extreme caution and preferably not alone. They can kill you just by falling on you.
Yeah we know, the whole world plays it. This shows you what's wrong with the world. Hundreds of thousands, no millions of people are suffering and in need of help and what do people do? Play Soccer!! The absurdity of humans. We hate each other, kill each other, follow people in strange robes who say they talk to God, and then wash it all down with a rousing game of soccer! Get rid of soccer and we turn things around.
Degrading to women. Hello? "Soccer moms?" They used to just be moms now they have a modifier which means "mom who drives kids to practice half the day". What the hell! The sport is almost singly responsible for excessive air pollution and an acceptance of global warming. Why? Everyone involved in this crime wants a mini van. This also led to the hideous SUV category and the continual upsizing of vehicles. We need more room for...the team! No more small cars as these people hope to drive "the team" once a year. These vehicles are dragging the planet down quickly while enslaving the moms.
English soccer: We’ve seen glimpses of that bizarre scenario. Not sure if it’s for real or it’s been invented by the tabloids. If it’s for real thank god it’s separated from football by 3,000 miles of ocean. The Ebola virus is less destructive to the world. Someday those responsible will be punished by a World Humanitarian Court . This is a good reason to eat right and stay healthy so we can serve on the World Court. Travelers to England need to learn the basics of where the teams play. Under no circumstances should you be anywhere near the area. This is no joke. Repeat, no joke. Contrary to viscious, ignorant rumors, they do not sell Grateful Dead t-shirts at these affairs. Stay Away!! If confused as to where they are, do not enter the country . Ireland is not safe either. Go to France. The food’s much better.
"Are those your real teeth?" Any level beyond high school see : Football: Average players. Canada’s national sport. Poor Canada, we thought they had a chance to be different. All that land and what do they do? Drill for oil, dam for power, mine for anything and congregate to beat each other up on a frozen lake! Hockey just reinforces the drive to drill, dam, mine and hunt seals. It’s suspected that there’s a direct correlation between the number of seals killed and the number of hockey games played.
Seemingly harmless and at low levels o.k. to experiment with but don’t inhale. The root canal of America’s problem. Insidious, it’s like fluorinated water in Kubrick’s "Dr. Strangelove..." Permeates all of society with it’s analogies. "Three strikes and your out" - where’s the compassion? "You just struck out!" -where’s the love? "You just hit a grand slam!"-the evils of capitalism. "You’re not even in the ball park"-oppression of all those less privileged. Umpires say "You’re outta here" -total lack of feeling and respect for another.. Boys use the language to abuse girls. "First base", "Second base", well you get the idea. How about "double header"? Isn’t one enough? Not in America. Everyone wants two of everything. Cars, houses, games!? Just more waste and pollution.
How destructive is baseball? Look at Brooklyn, New York. It’s never recovered from when the Dodgers moved out what 45 years ago? A BASEBALL TEAM leaves and the city goes to hell ! Shipping disappears, industry leaves, people are depressed, thousands leave for suburbs farther out on Long Island and New Jersey. Good neighborhoods disappear, replaced by high crime zones. What the hell! They all said "Our team left, we’re losers." See, if they hadn’t had that stupid game they would have been building community centers, parks, schools, a better society! Instead BASEBALL made them apathetic and careless about the real structure of their city.
In "On the Waterfront" (which takes place in Brooklyn) Marlon Brando utters his famous phrase "I coulda been a contenda". Little did he know this would soon become the Brooklyn motto after the Dodgers leave.
Even now people spend hours and hours hoping the team will return. Old guys hang around the park playing bocci ball talking about the Dodgers in the 40’s and 50’s. It’s like everyone’s on i.v. morphine! Get off it!
You say other countries play baseball it can’t be that bad. Look at Japan. Their fisherman were doing fine. Then we introduced baseball. Ever since that time they’ve been killing whales with huge factory ships. It’s just like Canada and Hockey. Get rid of baseball in Japan and we could save those whales. But baseball’s insidious, it permeates everywhere once it’s introduced. You know about tape worms?...Yeah...
How about Cuba? Yeah they’re doing fine. All the cars are at least 40 years old. People have next to nothing. It’s so bad they’ll get on pieces of wood lashed together and travel 90 miles over the ocean. Not only that, but through the Bermuda triangle! But do they care? No, they’ve got baseball! What’s the worst thing that’s happened to them in the last 50 years? They lost the gold medal in baseball at the Sydney Olympics!!! Worse, to the gringos!! The embargo's nothing in comparison. They don’t care about the real stuff, they lost the game!! Now everyone’s upset, they’ve got to do something! Do they want to build community centers, schools, houses? NO! They want to build a better team!! See, it’s even worse than here. At least here you can turn off the t.v.. There you can’t turn off your neighbor.
hmmm...close to being acceptable. After all, if it was invented by Native Indians it might be o.k.. Though no one’s quite sure how it’s played. They use sticks with little nets. Kind of cute. At least the players don’t need cheerleaders. Still, the game reeks of excessive Volvo and BMW’s. Lacrosse player’s have the best possibility of being recruited for the cause. Although they have tendencies of above hockey and football players, it’s suspected that high pot intake keeps them o.k. Some will wear tie dyes. They usually have good pot. Watch out for the real serious ones though, because they’re like the smart football players above. Still, you can invite them to parties. They’ll bring good pot. Perhaps while there they might be turned to the cause.
Some see this as the savior of the inner city. They are sorely mistaken. Those areas need serious help, people need skills, education , you name it. Are the youth in school learning ? No! They’re outside playing....BASKETBALL!. Think of that. Everything’s wrong with where they’re living and they’re PLAYING! Yeah some make it to the big leagues where because they’ve spent so much time playing in their lives they do things like choke their coach and shoot their girlfriends. Get rid of the game and the city will have energy to build community centers, schools, businesses. Youth won't be playing all day and night on the court they'll be learning.
Yeah, these people take no prisoners in their beliefs! They don’t say these things directly. Well, except for questions about missiles and guns and pro choice. Then there’s all the murmuring and the suspicious looks, sometimes. Still, it is possible to lure the weak ones into a game of ...foosball!...
[This message has been edited by Tog (edited May 28, 2001).]</FONT>