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ATC and Pilot sense of humor

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
Reading the Time Waster -Accent thread got me I went rummaging my PC and found this one in a file of jokes about Pilots and Controllers :

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

post #2 of 11
Thread Starter 
Another one from the same file I've dug out of the archives :

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming: US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta." Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right.

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions
in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am."

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
post #3 of 11
Here's another for your ATC bag Matteo ...

During a long hold for weather, planes were stacking up on the ramp awaiting clearence for departure:

Unidentified Pilot keys the mike and exclaims ... ".. I'm f_cking bored! .. "

Ground Controller .... "Will the aircraft of that transmission say N number and identify yourself? ..."

Unidentified Pilot ...... "I said I was f_cking bored, I didn't say I was f_cking stupid"

post #4 of 11
Thread Starter 
eh eh's in the file!
post #5 of 11
I just heard this on the news. There's a 737 circling LAX burning off fuel to make a landing because of a blown tire.

New reporter-ette "Its the left tire, near the landing gear."

Duh! Talk about obvious, where do you think a tire would be located anyway!
post #6 of 11
Why didn't they just take the spare out of the trunk and chan ....
post #7 of 11
They could use a skyhook to jack up the plane.
post #8 of 11
I was on a United flight from Seattle to Boston back in the early 1990s. United had (and still does, I think) one channel on the in-flight audio for ATC communication, so you could listen to the pilots talk to the controllers. At one point, a controller tried to contact a flight -- I forget which one, so let's call it "Wingit 123":

ATC: "Wingit 123..."
No response.
ATC: "Wingit 123..."
No response.
ATC: "Wingit 123, you there?"
Another pilot jumps in and says "he went back for the Colombian coffee!"

It was funny at the time, as the Colombian Coffee Growers Association were running a TV commercial in which an airline discovered that they were out of coffee and went back to the airport!
post #9 of 11 flight attendant and passenger humor

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"


"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probabl shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

************************************************** *

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

************************************************** *****

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

************************************************** **********

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
post #10 of 11
Names and places changed to protect the guilty:

After a very long run out which was, in turn, after a somewhat botched landing, the ground controller came on with the following recommendation:
"American 219, exit runway when able. If you cannot use the last taxiway, then continue to Cardinal Avenue, turn left and turn left again at the traffic circle. Continue straight on at the lights, and you will get back to the terminal!"
post #11 of 11
Originally Posted by Nobody View Post
Reading the Time Waster -Accent thread got me I went rummaging my PC and found this one in a file of jokes about Pilots and Controllers :

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
Yeah, but that Fokker was a Messerschmidt.
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