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Message from Her Majesty the Queen

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Message from Her Majesty the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidatesfor President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give noticeof the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchicalduties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas ,which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governorfor America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency,the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour"and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut"without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replacedby the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noisessuch as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication. There is no such thing as US English. We willlet M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checkerwill be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and theelimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapistsshows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should onlybe used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out withoutsuing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything moredangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wishto carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will startdriving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will gometric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the Britishsense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chipsare properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actuallybeer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenancewill be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as theyare pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only bedue to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what itdid for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-FrozenGnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors asgood guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actorsto play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kindof proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enoughwill, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities toAmerican football, but does not involve stopping for a rest everytwenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunchof nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you,like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host anevent called the World Series for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will letyou face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, withsaucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends in the USA (those with a good sense of humour and NOT humor.)
post #2 of 16
Thread Starter 
Colonial response:
Dear Lizzie,
Having just returned from a week in our 51st state that you call England, I feel that I must respond to your statements.
In general, I have no problem in humouring you with most of your fiats.
I will point out that your PM, Mr. Gordon Brown, is currently measuring his term in office with a hourglass much like Dorothy in the Wicked Witch’s castle. The sands are rapidly running out. Don’t try to bring the Poodle back, we’ve had enough of him.
While I heartily agree with your item # 12 that football should properly be played with the feet, I was aghast at your item # 10.
I made an extensive survey, and I do mean extensive, of the British brewing industry during my week there and you’ve completely lost your street cred (try looking that up in the OED). The proper British Bitter Ale seems to be fading into history in a manner similar to the empire’s demise. I was informed during one Cotswolds brewery tour that sales of ale in Britain account for only 7% of the market. Lager is taking over. In fact, our tour guide admitted that American craft brewers are the only houses that still make a proper India Pale Ale. Germany and its lagers have finally found a way to successfully invade England even if it is 70 years after the fact.
England ruled the seas all those years not because of The Crown but because its sailors were determined to protect their ale at all cost.
So take a break from shooting poor, innocent grouse and get on the flavour train and bring back the British ale industry.
I just can’t picture football hooligans throwing bottles of raspberry-flavored Belgian Lambic beer.

Rick of Heilman
US of A
post #3 of 16
Hey Bill,
Good one! Tally Ho!
post #4 of 16
Up the Empire (pronounced "Empah")! Up yours (pronounced "yos")!
post #5 of 16
I would have thought the colonial response would have been something more along the lines that we'd pay those taxes back to 1776 when they finish paying costs for kicking Germany's arse off their front porch in 1945.
post #6 of 16
You can pick your friends
and you can pick your nose
but you can't pick
your friend's nose.

Now.... sod off, gits.

post #7 of 16
Originally Posted by crgildart View Post
I would have thought the colonial response would have been something more along the lines that we'd pay those taxes back to 1776 when they finish paying costs for kicking Germany's arse off their front porch in 1945.

The final millions were repaid about 2 years ago for the lend lease scheme. Now, cough up the taxes!
post #8 of 16
BillA, there are a few good IPAs still around. My favourite is Greene King. I'm also fond of Marston's Pedigree, although I think it's classed as a BPA now.
post #9 of 16
@ BillA

Things aren't THAT bad.

Just as in the U.S., there has been a revival in small and micro-breweries and you can find excellent cask conditioned ale pretty much all over. (And no, British beer is not served warm; it is served at cellar temperature so that you can appreciate the flavour. It kills me that U.S. breweries copy British beer styles -- sometimes very well, I'll give you -- but serve it at lager temperature.) I'm not a big IPA man, but Worthington White Shield was always the best of them and it still survives as a micro-brew: http://www.worthingtonswhiteshield.com/frontpage.html

I agree that the bars and pubs in the UK city centres are awful and the lager-swilling night-time clientele make me ashamed to share the same species with them, let alone their nationality.
post #10 of 16
H&T, I've not tried Worthingtons.
My current brewers of choice are:
Whitstable Bay

And for the bigger breweries, Fullers (particularly Pride), and whatever is hand pumped at the pub.
post #11 of 16
I'll take Youngs over Fullers (a bit more CO2, which I like).

For small breweries: http://www.whitehorsebrewery.com/. Sitting in the sun catching up with an old friend a couple of months ago with a plate of fish and chips and a pint of "Wayland Smithy" was quite close to heaven.
post #12 of 16
Thread Starter 
No Budweiser?
post #13 of 16
That should be a statement of fact, not a question, Bill!
post #14 of 16
Thread Starter 
Ah, well, ah, like, ah, you do realize that NASCAR will have to become one of the new British past time and NASCAR mandates the consumption of large quantities of Budweiser. You can look it up, it's in the rule book. Like, really.
post #15 of 16
Right then.
post #16 of 16
Give credit where credit is due...authored by John Cleese
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