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What Would You Tell Her?

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
The following thread appeared on a fitness instructor's forum:
Heartbroken Wife

Before I started skiing, I might have had more empathy for her. But as a skier, my perspective was somewhat different. At Epicski academies and gatherings, people often show up without their spouse, and it never seems to be an overwhelming cause for marital distress. We have had quite a few "one skis, the other doesn't" type threads, where the issue of the S.O. viewing skiing as an activity that excludes them is discussed.

But do most non skiers see this as a form of infidelity?
On a deeper level, are skiers, or other athletes, more capable of developing platonic close friendships with the so called opposite sex?
post #2 of 17
I think this lady is in a very bad situation. Her husband is kind of "dating" another woman, according to what she wrote. It is not just skiing, according to the post!

I traveled all over the world with my job and had plenty of opportunity to interract with local people and co-workers. I alway used common sense. I always make sure that I don't do something that I would not want my wife to do if she was in my situation.

Nevertheless, I am a huge proponent of spouses having different interests and also different friends. For example, I will be going to the EAS again this year and again I will be without my wife. In fact, my wife will be going on a cruise during the ESA (with a female friend who recently became a widow). I trust my wife 100% and I expect her to trust me as well. But that trust is not unconditional. That trust is based on actions that show that we are sensitive to each other's feelings and insecurities.

Anyway, I hate to judge other people, but this man definitely is pushing his luck a little too far.
post #3 of 17
Eighteen Reasons Skiing Is Better Than Sex

18. You don't have to sneak your ski magazines into the house

17. If you are having trouble with skiing, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique

16. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about skiing

15. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you skiing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous

14. Your skiing partner won't keep asking questions about other
partners you've skiied with

13. It's perfectly respectable to ski with a total stranger.

12. When you see a really good skier, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you skiing together

11. If your regular skiing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you go skiing with someone else

10. Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you ski by yourself

9. When dealing with a skiing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop

8. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy skiing stuff

>7. You can have a skiing calendar on your wall at the office, tell skiing jokes and invite coworkers to skiing with you without getting sued for harassment

6. There's no such thing as a ski transmitted disease

5. If you want to watch skiing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to a premium cable channel

4. Nobody expects you to promise to ski with just one partner for the rest of your life

3. Nobody expects you to give up skiing if your partner loses interest in the sport

2. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of skiing

1. Your skiing partner will never say, "What? We just skied last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

Would Skiers be better off with multiple spouses?


10. When your spouse ditches you for someone who skis better you'd have a backup

9. You could own, operate, and staff your own resort

8. Strong circle of care during injury recovery

7. By the time you tell your 4th spouse about the hesitant four-footer over the downed birch sapling, it has become a 40 foot switch takeoff over a sequoia

6. Better chance of birthing an Olympic hopeful

5. Tons of sex, no headaches

4. (for guys) You get to yell "who's your daddy" more often

3. MIMS (multiple incomes more skiing)

2. More skis tuned in a shorter amount of time

1. Ski town female-to-male ratio becomes obselete
post #4 of 17
Lisamarie, I just tried to send you a long PM on this. I may have some thoughts for you to consider based on my long-term work with my wife together on helping build, maintain, a repair marriages. But, your PM box is full. Drop me a PM if you'd like to talk about it.
post #5 of 17
She says she has a "good, solid marriage".

What about that says cheat? What about trust?

I'm dismissing it as a Troll.
post #6 of 17
If he is telling his wife everything that is going on there probably isn't any attachments from his end but if it bothers his wife, his doings are clearly inappropriate. Also what starts out as innocent can escalate quickly under the right circumstances. Dear Pierre says he should stop.
post #7 of 17
Thread Starter 
..or under the "wrong" circumstances! [img]smile.gif[/img]
I agree, that if it bothers her, he should stop. But do you think, if she were also a skier, she would perceive it differently?
Bonni, under "normal" circumstances, I would agree that she was trolling. But unfortunately, some aerobic instructors sometimes have an uncanny need to wear their hearts on their sleeves, even when inappropriate.
post #8 of 17
I've worked for both the Army and the Navy has a military historian for ten years and have spent a good deal of time researching the social history of the Vietnam War. I'm not a trained social worker or a psychologist but I've spent a lot of time studying how people behave in deployment situations.

The writer's husband is deployed somewhere in the world but presumably not Iraq, Afghanistan, or somewhere extremely dangerous. That's not necessarily a good thing. In the Vietnam War, just as many extra-marital affairs took place in the Mediterranean as in places like Subic Bay or Bangkok closer to the front lines. War, in other words, does not necessarily make a person more or less likely to cheat.

Under the UCMJ, adultery is illegal. There are good reasons for this law. Spouses perform a valuable role in caring for children while a military member deploys and deserve legal protections for the important support role they provide.

If this woman truly suspects that her husband is having an affair, she has the right not only to confront him but his commanding officer. She could even go so far as to report it to NCIS or Army CID because adultery is a CRIME in the military context.

HOWEVER, I WOULD NOT GO THAT FAR b/c it could totally screw up her husband's career. Instead, she should confide in another member of the unit of the same rank as her husband. She should express her suspicions and see how that soldier reacts. He or she will probably not rat the cheating husband out but this soldier might brief the CO on the situation and the CO might put some pressure on the husband not to go on the ski trip. He could simply cancel the man's leave for no stated reason. Another person she could confide in is the unit chaplain or medical officer. These people have a lot of behind the scenes power and could easily stop the husband from seeing the translator.

Once the husband is stateside, the military has some good marital counseling programs and the wife should require that they both attend. If he refuses, she can then talk to the CO, who can order the husband into a program. The military is a tough place but everything depends on trust.
post #9 of 17
This guy is having an affair, an emotional affair. Since he is telling his wife about it, he may not even realize how deep he is into it. He may be thinking that if sex is kept out of it, it is okay. An emotional affair is just as hurtful as a sexual affair, if not more so because it could led to long term attachments.

I think the wife shouldn't do anything rash. Hubby appears to be truthful and doesn't know or understand that he is hurting his wife. Wife should let him know how she feel but since he doesn't think he is in the wrong she should try not to give him an excuse to take this friendship to a different level. If Hubby truely loves wife and children, he will understand that he is headed for danger.

This is a tough situation asnd will test everybody's charactor. If they can survive this, they can be stronger. If there are unresolved issues, it could fester and explode later.

Time will tell. Tell her to be patient and open as she can and lead with trust. Love can hurt you as well as heal you.

This is just my very unprofessionl opinion.

Good luck to all of them.
post #10 of 17
Maybe the woman is gay. Yeah, that's it!

"Honey, there's nothing to worry about here. You KNOW that most of the women in the military prefer (insert crude comment here)"

Sure, that'll work!
post #11 of 17
Can a skier have a platonic relationship with a member of the opposit sex? Yes,its possible but when the day is done and everyone is poaching in the hot tub with beers in them, unless your a Eunuch, it is enevitable that you will think of having sex with that person or someone.
I take three ski trips a year one solo,one stag,one family and damn I get horny on the solo and stag trips but so for nothing to send into Penthouse Forum about.
Fifteen days till my solo trip to Steamboat maybe this will be the year I'm forced to test my sexual willpower.
post #12 of 17
This is a tough one, LM. It comes down to honesty from the first date. Honesty breeds trust and that is one rock that is easily tumbled. If he is messing around she`ll know. I think, as I read her letter, she already knows and is dealing with the denial combined with her fears.

I have been in a wonderful realtionship for three years (anniversary is Xmas). Two years ago I started traveling a lot. We are in harmony. We spend alot of time talking about the what-ifs and the difference between love and lust. I know I haven`t and I trust that she hasn`t crossed the line ... yet. But if it happens, I think we have enough of an intellectual understanding to discuss it openly, regardless of the potential hurt.

It`s an individual thing that is exacerbated by the prudishness of our society. Parenting skills are barely existent in our specie. And all too often who is our role model(s). In school we are not given any tools to deal with emtional issues. Ahh but the dessimation of the school system is a whole other thread.

Happy holidays from Japan. [img]graemlins/angel.gif[/img]
post #13 of 17
Fifteen days till my solo trip to Steamboat maybe this will be the year I'm forced to test my sexual willpower.
post #14 of 17
Lisa, it is not a matter for skiers only, it is a matter of trust, pure and simple.
Does she trust her husband yes or not.
If the trust is broken...then regardless what her husband is doing, the marriage is doomed.
As for skiers being prone to extra marital affairs, well, as WVS said, it's not the environment, it's the will to do it, which counts.
post #15 of 17
BTW, yes, I made "moves" to girls on the mountain before (I mean before getting married, two lifes ago) in my teens.
I am a shy person, and what the mountain was doing to me was, giving me confidence that I do not have usually (or making others see myself from a different angle).
But were girls I was interested in even back in the flatland.
Usually, once back there, life was reverting back to its normal order.
Now that I'm solo again, I just enjoy the time I am able to spend skiing (with or without my children). Don't care for for other things.
OTOH I've found that free from any kind of pressure, I'm being friendlier and chatty to anyone I happen to sit on a chair for a ride up with, regardless of their gender. And I savor the little chit-chat with them.
post #16 of 17
OK, I just reqad her post. The way I see it, if the guy was doing something wrong, he wouldn't be telling his wife anything about it. Instead, he's sharing every detail. I think the wife is the one with the problem here, assuming her husband is guilty of something he probably hasn't done. I think deep down, there must be something else wrong on her side. Maybe she wants out. If she doesn't, I say get on a plane and go to f'ing Germany now. Meet the translator. I think if she has any sense, she will know what is going on when she gets there. This isn't about skiing or anything like it, it's not about other interests either. It's about trust, and aqpparently, she has none. I don't know why. Maybe she should figure that out.
post #17 of 17
What Would You Tell Her? I would tell her to be careful of posting something so personal. A reminder to me that what I post in my community is fodder for all.
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