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Always maxi-pads & F16s

post #1 of 2
Thread Starter 
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products.
She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.

Dear Mr. Thatcher:

I have been a loyal user of your "Always" maxi-pads
for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the Leak-Guard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear
of running up and down the beach in tight, white

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flex-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
now. As I type , I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call "an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in
Capri pants...which brings me to the reason for my

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words,
"Have a Happy Period."

Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any
part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well...did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in
which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi-pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong," or are you just
picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise
I will keep. Always.

Best, Wendi Aarons Austin, TX

PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best
Webmail-award-winning letter.
post #2 of 2
No doubt authored by a fraternity boy with an active imagination.
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