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Lawyer Jokes

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
I'll start:
What is a lawyer's ideal weight?







Three pounds, including the urn.
post #2 of 12
What do you call a lawyer with an iq of 75?

Your Honor!
post #3 of 12
I've heard variations of this one several times and will try to reconstruct it here:

A lawyer parked his brand new Ferrari in front of the courthouse. As he opened his door a passing car ripped the door off and sent it clattering down the street. The lawyer saw a policeman nearby and started screaming at him "Did you see that, that a$$hole just knocked the door off of my brand new Ferrari, I'm a lawyer, I want you to catch that guy and throw the book at him, do you see what he just did to my brand new Ferrari, I can't believe that this happened to my brand new Ferrari!"

As the lawyer was screaming at the policeman, the policeman quietly walked over to where the lawyer was standing. When the lawyer stopped his tirade the policemean looked at him disgustedly and said "You lawyers, all you care about is material things!" The lawyer responded "What do you mean by that? Don't you see that that guy tore the door off of my brand new Ferrari?" The policeman replied "Don't you see, he also tore your arm off?" Sure enough, the lawyer looked down and saw that his left arm was missing. In shock and horror, he screamed, "Oh my God, where's my Rolex?!"
post #4 of 12
What's the difference between a dead laywer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.


Did you hear about the laywer that died and went to heaven?

Pure heresay, it never happened
post #5 of 12
I was in Boston yesterday. It was so cold lawyers were seen walking around with their hands in their own packets.

A lawyer and his client are walking down the street when Jessica Simpson walks by. The client says, "Boy, would I like to screw her." The lawyer responds, "Out of what?"

Did you hear about the lawyer that complained to his shrink that he thought everyone viewed him as a snake? The shrink diagnoised him as having delusions of granduer.

What's the difference between vultures and lawyers? Vultures don't get frequent flyer miles when they fly.

Why has there never been a shark attack on a lawyer? Professional courtesy.

BTW - Lawyer jokes work really well as consultant jokes (which is why I know so many of them.)
post #6 of 12
OK, one more.

Three men (one Jewish, one Hindu and one lawyer) were driving down a dark country road late one night when their car broke down. They saw some light in the distance and walked towards it and found a small farmhouse. They knocked on the door and a grizzled old farmer opened it. They told him of their plight and he said that they could spend the night at his place and seek help in the morning. However, he only had 2 beds in his spare room and said that one of the men would need to sleep out in the barn. The Jewish man volunteered to sleep in the barn, so he headed towards it while his two friends went to bed in the spare room. About 5 minutes later there was a knock at the front door, and the 2 friends went to the door and opened it and saw that it was their other friend. He said "I'm sorry, but there is a pig in the barn, and due to my religious beliefs I just can't sleep in the same room as a pig." The Hindu man then volunteered to sleep in the barn, and headed over to it, and the other two men went to the guest room to turn in. But within 5 minutes, another knock at the door, and it was their Hindu friend, who said "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and due to my religious beliefs I just can't sleep in the same room as a cow." The lawyer then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Well, 5 minutes later there was yet another knock at the door. The 2 friends in the house went to the door and opened it, and saw the cow and pig standing there wanting into the house.
post #7 of 12
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean.
A: A good start.
post #8 of 12
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?




Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.


The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
  1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, such direction deemed from a vertical view about the receptacle structure ('Receptacle') as set and fastened into the ceiling surface, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
  2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
  3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm.'
post #9 of 12
A tourist walked into a curio shop in New York City. Looking around at the exotics, he noticed a yellowish bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he had to have it.

He took it to the owner. "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the man noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was very disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Hudson River, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the millions and they were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the river, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man hailed a cab and went back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze lawyer."
post #10 of 12
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste sites and California have all the lawyers?

Jersey had first choice.
post #11 of 12

Texas Duck Story

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
duck."

post #12 of 12
And for all you farmers out there . . .

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?

One, if you run him through slow enough.
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