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Bad joke file - Page 4

post #91 of 135
This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex.

After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says.

"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.

"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first." :
post #92 of 135

Disney Divorce Court

Judge ... Mickey, I see here you petition the court to be granted a divorce from your wife Minnie.

Mickey ... Yes your honor.

Judge ... But you said that it was because she was silly and inane, those are hardly grounds for divorce.

Mickey ... I didn't say I wanted to divorce Minnie because she was being silly, I wanted it because she is .... fu_king Goofy!

:
post #93 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by SnowDog2112 View Post
This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex.

After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says.

"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.

"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first." :
I heard a different version of that, although Snowdog's sure is fun to picture:

He: Sorry, if I'd known you were a virgin I would have taken more time.

She: If I'd thought you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!
post #94 of 135
A man leaves the orthodontist with his new plate, certain that his teeth will be fixed up in no time. After awhile, he notices that the plate is tarnishing and falling apart!

He goes back to the orthodontist and complains about the inadequacy of this plate. The doc asks him what he has been eating, and learns that his wife makes a lot of hollandaise sauce, which of course uses lemon juice. The doc says, "I'll make you a new plate out of chrome." "Why chrome?" the man asks.

"Because there's no plate like chrome, for the hollandaise."
post #95 of 135
Mickey is in divoice court to split from his wife minnie.

The judge says "You can divioce her because you says she silly and insane"

Mickey replies " that not the reason why judge, I said she is F.ucking Goofy."

teenager quite possiably have the best jokes know to man.
post #96 of 135
Hey Bush ... look about three posts up ...

I got that off an "old guys" site ... :
post #97 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuki View Post
Hey Bush ... look about three posts up ...

I got that off an "old guys" site ... :
lol I got it from a 13 year old racer from NYC...go figure that is something that wont get repeated to any other kids his year though.
post #98 of 135
What's the last thing through a fly's mind as it hits your windshield at 60 miles per hour.


























His a$$hole.
post #99 of 135
A friend of mine had quite an experience yeaterday. He fell into an open septic tank & didn't know how to swim but he went through all the movements.
post #100 of 135
When it comes to bad jokes, that may be as close to the bottom as we're going to get.
post #101 of 135
A guy walks into a saloon and looks at the piano to see a very short man playing the piano. This struck him as funny so when he got to the bar, he asked the bartender, "Who is that man playing the piano? He's got to be only a foot tall!" The bartender said, "I have a magic lamp that if you rub the side, a genie will pop out and grant you one wish. The man asked if he could try. The barkeep agreed and the man rubbed the lamp. Sure enough, out came the genie. The man said, "I wish for a million bucks!" Shortly thereafter, a million ducks come flying through the window. The man said angrily to the barkeep, "I said a million Bucks!" to which the barkeep replied, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
post #102 of 135
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!!!!!
post #103 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by 911over View Post
Yep, that's the problem. It is the epitome & I'm thinking he's struggling at the moment to top it. Hard one to top for a bad joke. Anything else is just a better joke.
Fine, I'll give you a really really bad dirty joke.

Two white horses fell in the mud.

Beat that.

Dean.
post #104 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by BushwackerinPA View Post
Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?

because she was a woman.
If we're doing Hellen Keller jokes:

How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the steam iron.
How did she burn the other side of her face?
They called back.
post #105 of 135

dirty

Dirty joke ...

Pig fell inna' mud!
post #106 of 135

clean

Clean joke:

Pig got washed.


Brought to you courtesy of my third grade class at PS #4
post #107 of 135
What do you call a cow with no legs???
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ground beef.
post #108 of 135
What do you call a cow with four legs?

A cow.
post #109 of 135
What do have when there are elephants in a pool?

Swimming Trunks!
post #110 of 135
How do you punish Helen Keller?

Rearrange her furniture.
post #111 of 135
Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?:

You would too if your name was "Mnnnauuggggghhuhhh" :
post #112 of 135
OK .... the Helen Keller joke site .... most were stupid or sick ... a few I remembered from the fifth grade.

How about the new Helen Keller doll? Wind it up and it walks into a wall!


Why did she masturbate with one hand? She needed the other to moan with.

:

With that ... I will refrain from HK jokes .
post #113 of 135
Yuki: My dog has no nose.
SnowDog2112: Really, how does he smell?
Yuki: Awful.
post #114 of 135
How do you keep a skunk from smelling??


Put a clothespin on his nose.
post #115 of 135

skunks

A man and his wife are driving home late one cold night. They spy a baby skunk not moving along the side of the road. The wife begs hubby to stop and he reluctantly agrees.

She returns to the car and says ... "The poor little thing is half frozen to death, can't we take it home just for the night to give it a chance?"

Hubby says "O.K. but tomorrow it goes out"

She gets the skunk in the car "My God the poor thing is frozen and shivering, where can I put it to keep it warm?"

Hubby says .. "Put it between your legs, it's nice and warm there"

She says .. "But what of the smell?"

Hubby ... "Just hold it's nose!"

The husband is expected to recover from the beating, the frozen skunk she beat him with died at the scene.
post #116 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnH View Post
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!!!!!
Aahhh, at last, the lightbulb jokes!

How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

Uumm, why?

BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OKAY!!!!!


How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They simply change the standard to darkness, then charge all their customers for the upgrade.



How many of WTFH's relatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

16 - one to hold the lightbulb and 15 to drink Bushmills until the room starts spinning.




How many ski instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds the lightbulb in place and the world turns around him.




How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One third fewer than a regular bulb.




How many Barking Bears does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, real Bears aren't afraid of the dark.

post #117 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tag View Post
Aahhh, at last, the lightbulb jokes!

....
How many ski instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He holds the lightbulb in place and the world turns around him.

....
I beg to correct you but it takes no less than THREE (3) PSIA certified level two or above ski Instructors to change a light bulb.

One to screw it in and at least two more to clap hands and shout "Nice Turns. Nice Turns."
post #118 of 135
I like your version much better. LOL

post #119 of 135
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stache View Post
I beg to correct you but it takes no less than THREE (3) PSIA certified level two or above ski Instructors to change a light bulb.

One to screw it in and at least two more to clap hands and shout "Nice Turns. Nice Turns."
The answer can also be modified to:

5. One to screw it in and 4 to critique the turns.
post #120 of 135
What did the horse say when he fell down ?

"Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!"
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