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Swedish and Norwegian Jokes - Page 2

post #31 of 59
Sven was buying his first TV. He went into the furniture shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I vant to buy that nice TV over dere" Sven said.
"Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes" Ole said.

Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily.
He bought himself a very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.

"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig that TV there. How much you want for it, cat?" Sven asked.

Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever.
He went to a neighboring city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent.
He came back to the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder, wa-ja say?" Sven asked.

Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how in de vurld did you know I'm a Svede?"

"Vell, first of all, yong man, dat ees a micro vave offen."
post #32 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN View Post
SCANIA!

But being an honest Norwegian ...... I didn't know that without cheating a bit, by tracing your pic! But very interesting. Still not entirely clear where/what/when Scania is? I gather southern tip of modern-day Sweden, having changed hands many times over the centuries? Darnit, this thread just got way too educational.....

http://www2.sbbs.se/hp/erson/scanian...sy/index-e.htm
Correct. Skåne (english Scania), Halland & Blekinge, the three most southern provinces of Sweden, actually used to be Danish until 1658. The Scanians have been protesting in their own way ever since. In the 1600's they used to cut off the heads of the Swedish tax collectors and send them back in the collection bags. More recently they are actually trying to be established as an autonomous region, kind of like Scotland or Wales in the UK.

The Skåne (pronounced with a long o like Conan) flag is a gold cross of St. Erik on the Danish red background. The symbol for Skåne is the Gripen (or Griffin), a mythical beast with the head of an eagle and the feet of a lion:



You may also have seen this on certain Swedish Cars:



The accent in Skåne is kind of broad, a little Danish influenced. It also bears some similarity to the accent in Bergen.
post #33 of 59

Scania

Thanks for the history lesson!

Quote:
Originally Posted by viking kaj View Post
The Scanians have been protesting in their own way ever since. In the 1600's they used to cut off the heads of the Swedish tax collectors and send them back in the collection bags. .
... which inevitably led the Swedes to impose high taxes, as recently discussed in thread on war culture, in order to offset the high cost of constantly replacing tax collectors?

htp://forums.epicski.com/showpost.php?p=699616&postcount=24

Quote:
The Skåne ... flag is a gold cross of St. Erik on the Danish red background.
As long as we're digging up little known flags, that other thread also had a Swedish-Norwegian hybrid I had not previously seen:

http://forums.epicski.com/showpost.p...9&postcount=29

Quote:
The accent in Skåne is kind of broad, a little Danish influenced.
My Norsk cousins taught me the technical phrase you may be searching for, to describe this influence in proper lingustic terms... "Ja, dose Danes... dey speak like dey has a mout-full off potatos!"

What's the good of consonants, if you're not gonna use 'em!?!? :
post #34 of 59

revenge off de "ice queen"

To start off with, I am not Norsk, I just married one. However, that said I do try to cater (butter her up), with some feigned occasional "cultural affinity" and appreciation for her culture. I get a dose of it daily so I might as well go with the program?

The "Ice Queen" nickname (never to her face of course), comes from her lack of humor and her propensity to keep the thermostat set so low that her parents wear coats in our house. This has been only cured by a brief discussion over dinner where I listed my calculations for the cost of a divorce versus the savings in fuel.

None the less, last week, I pulled up this thread for her hoping that she would get a chuckle out of some of "her humor, by her people".

Wrong!

She dryly proclaimed that there was nothing funny. Before you take any offense at this, I can tell a joke that is proclaimed "not funny", but if her best friend tells the same joke ... she prints it out and saves it for me ... thusly, "your little imaginary friends on the computer are not funny". Go figure?

Today, another person on a forum for cars posted a few on the process of getting older and varied musings ...

"They have picutres of kids on milk cartons, why don't they put the pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?"

I tell this to the "Ice Queen" aka "She Who Must be Obeyed", and she has the usual straight face and just proclaims the joke as her usual "Not Funny!"

Sez I, come on, lighten up, that's funny, what's the problem with that joke? :

She shows no emotion .... then deadpans .. "They may come back"

: Zap! She had me! .. she didn't miss a beat and I damned near pissed my pants.

Beware! Norwegian women may not laugh often, but when they do, it's deadly ... getting the last laugh is an understatement.
post #35 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuki View Post
Beware! Norwegian women may not laugh often, but when they do, it's deadly ... getting the last laugh is an understatement.
In that case, perhaps you might find this useful:

Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."
post #36 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuki View Post
Beware! Norwegian women may not laugh often, but when they do, it's deadly ... getting the last laugh is an understatement.
NOTE TO YUKI: Sleep with one eye open, and a loaded varme polsa in your bedside table. :
post #37 of 59
yeah I get the same thing - wife never laughs at my jokes. Then again she can get going and laugh her ass off too when she's in the mood - women ... so unpredictable! Well she keeps me busy trying to figure her out
post #38 of 59
Lykke is a varm gevaer?

: Eyes wide open tonight.
post #39 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN View Post
NOTE TO YUKI: Sleep with one eye open, and a loaded varme polsa in your bedside table. :
Glom inte senapen.
post #40 of 59
Thread Starter 
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
post #41 of 59
This has to be visualized, but this joke is told at least once a year at family gatherings.

Otla caught a cod and a large cod at that! But in the tavern, each telling of the story of Otla's great catch the fish gets larger and larger with each narration.

Hans and Olav seeing that Otla has fallen asleep at the bar take advantage of the moment and tie his hands together with a foot long piece of rope.

Hans then pokes Otla hard in the ribs and asks ...

"How big was that cod you caught last week?"

Otla awakens and goes to hold out his now tied arms and exclaims ...

"He vass dis big ..... (flustered) ... between the eyes!"

post #42 of 59
Thread Starter 
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
post #43 of 59
Hmmmmm? Usually told as a blonde joke bout' "brysts".

Coincidence?
post #44 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by viking kaj View Post
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
Quote:
Originally Posted by viking kaj View Post
Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
sorry, VK... we have already established that those jokes are best told about SWEDES (see post #26)!
post #45 of 59

direct from the Old Country

This one needs some explanation: In a desperate attempt to unearth jokes we haven't already recycled, I came across this site where a REAL Norsk had translated jokes about his neighbors, with this preface:

"I thought it was very sad that the rest of the world didn't get to know how strange our "sweet-brother" to the east is. So, I decided to translate some of our best jokes about them into English."

Selected jokes follow below, but the best part may be the comments at the end, posted by offended Swedes! :

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.... And now, the news:
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Sweden. Swedish search and rescue workers have recovered 3000 bodies thus far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there was two Norwegian and a swedish testpilot who flew a SAAB- JAS fighter plane. Suddenly the plane caught fire and everyone realize that they'll have to bail out. The problem however seems to be that there are only two parachutes in the plane. The swede suddenly interrupts, "Intellektet mitt er for stort til at det kan gaa tapt. Jag tar den ena skjaarmen och hoppar." [My intellect is so big that it can't possibly be lost to mankind. I will take one of the parachutes.] Then he goes and the two Norwegians is left. "What are we going to do now?" one of them is asking. "Well, we'll just jump. The great intellect grabbed my back-pack."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The latest thing on the diet front in Sweden is the new "animal-cure", which is very popular in Sweden. In a short interview, the creator Lasse Gorth, gives us the answer to why he calls it the "animal-cure". "Yeah, well, the reason for that is very simple. You just have to eat like a fly and sh** like an elephant."
~~~~~~~~~~~
The Swedish mountaineer Christer Olsson, has stated in a press-conference that his attempt to climb over the sound-barrier has failed again.
~~~~~~~~~~~
The Russians have found a new easy way to sink Swedish subs. The method is very simple, they just send a diver down to knock on the sub's hatch. Upon which the Swedes reply, "Kom inn" (Come in). After the diver has waited awhile he knocks again, and then the Swedes will open the hatch to see who it is.
~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was this Swede who after year of waiting, finally got to be lobotimized. But when the surgeon removed the top of his head, he found that there wasn't anything in there, except this little strand of thread. The surgeon didn't know what to do, so he cut off the tread. Guess what happened then???? The Swede's ears fell off...
~~~~~~~~~~~
After travelling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they had something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas på andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).
~~~~~~~~~~~
One foggy night off the southwestern coast of Norway, a Swedish battle ship received a radio signal in Norwegian telling it to shift course 10 degrees to the west.
The Swedish captain bristled, and replied that the sender should shift HIS course 10 degrees to the east!
Moments later the reply came telling the Swedish ship to move 10 degrees to the west.
"I vil NOT!" screamed the captain. He turned to the radio operator and yelled, "Yu tell dat dumb norveegian to shift 10 degrees to da east!"
Again came the reply to the Swede to shift his course 10 degrees to the west.
By now the captain was livid, and he signaled "NOW YU LOOK HERE, I AM A CAPTAIN ON A SWEDISH BATTLE SHIP, AND I AM TELLING YU TO SHIFT YOUR COURSE 10 DEGREES TO THE EAST IF YU KNOW VAT'S GOOD FOR YU!"
Moments later came the reply: "Ja, vel I am at the Norveegian lighthouse and you vil shift 10 degrees to da vest, if yu know vat's good for yu!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND NOW THE SWEDES GET TO HAVE THEIR SAY:

Stupid,stupid norwegian!
This stories are not true.
- Hans Fogelmark

Next time you decide to put the jokes on the internet,
how about you write them in Swedish you dumb Norwegian bastard!
- Sten Sjøberg

Eh... I don't get it...
What's so funny?
-Fredrik, Sverige

post #46 of 59

Sven and Ole drinking yet fuel

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis . One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had sometin' ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How 'bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No, dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin'. Veoughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

Sven replied, "Vell, DON'T.... becuss I'm in Milvaukee!"
post #47 of 59
post #48 of 59
ROFLM(Norwegian-American)AO!!!!!

Very cute. When I was gowing up, I was told that there was no challenge in telling jokes about OTHER ethnic groups... but the Norsk delighted in telling jokes about how stupid WE were. Maybe that's what every group tells themselves? In any event, a very good laugh.

p.s., lest the above seem hypocritical given my previous behavior in this thread... we granted ourselves an official exemption for jokes about Swedes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by comprex View Post
post #49 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN View Post
ROFLM(Norwegian-American)AO!!!!!

...Maybe that's what every group tells themselves? In any event, a very good laugh.

p.s., lest the above seem hypocritical given my previous behavior in this thread... we granted ourselves an official exemption for jokes about Swedes.
July 11, 2007

Hi:

Don't want to seem to be "hijacking" this thread, but this seemed to be the appropriate followup to DKN. Here is a real life joke about myself which I sort of find funny.

Two years ago, waiting anxiously for my skis in the Manchester NH airport, I finally gave up after all the passengers on my plane had gone and went to the airline baggage claim office. I walked up to the counter and approached one of the two women who were on duty. The representative I talked to was sitting on the right. She asked me about a local address so that they could deliver my skis. I went out to get the address from my friend. This took about 15 minutes since he was circling the airport. With address in hand, walking up to the woman sitting on the right again I said: Here is the address where you can deliver my skis. She looked at me as if I were crazy and to my amazement and distress said: Sir, what are you talking about? The woman on the left had a big grin on her face and said to her: Mary, Sue was just taking care of this gentleman's problem with missing skis. Upon the realization of the error I had made by jumping to conclusions and feeling real stupid, the only response which I could muster on the spur of the moment to cover my embarrassment was: You lound eyes all rook arike. At this, the two ladies burst out laughing and took care of my problem promto. They had the last laugh though, since everybody in my friend's condo was wakened at 4:30 am by the delivery guy.

CharlieP

PS: I've granted myself an official exemption for jokes about myself

PPS: Last year, went through the same airport, same annual ski trip and looked up the two ladies again. They just happend to be there and they still remember me.

PPPS: For those of you who have never seen me, need I state my ethnicity?
post #50 of 59
Great gag but alas, not necessarily original.
Remember McCales navy?
Japanese Submarine skipper looking through periscope at the gang putting on some sort of show on the decks of the PT-73. 2nd officer asks him if so and so was there and the Skippers response? "How should I know, they all look alike."
post #51 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlieP View Post
PPPS: For those of you who have never seen me, need I state my ethnicity?
Suomalainen?
post #52 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by comprex View Post
That was awesome!

Now what does he do when he needs to find his place again?

Can somebody call the help desk????
post #53 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by viking kaj View Post
Now what does he do when he needs to find his place again?

Can somebody call the help desk????
you silly Swede..... that's why Norwegians invented.... the BOOKMARK! :
post #54 of 59
So a Norwegian and an Arab got married, and, of course named their first kid Yasser Ubetcha......
post #55 of 59
Norwegian Ten Commandments
1. Der's only one God,ya know
2.Don't make dat fish on yur mantle an idol
3.Cussin' ain't nice
4.Go to church even when yur up nort.
5.Honor yur folks
6.Don't kill. catch and release.
7.Der is only one Lena for every Ole.
8 If it ain't yer lutefisk,don't take it.
9. don't be braggin bout how much snow ya shoveled.
10.Keep yur mind off yur neighbor's hotdish.
post #56 of 59

I would love a translation of this

http://www.dumb.com/simontv-fartinggirlfriend.html

This always makes me laugh out loud!
post #57 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ski4Play View Post
I would love a translation of this
http://www.dumb.com/simontv-fartinggirlfriend.html
This always makes me laugh out loud!
Rough translation:

She is a Norwegian with a sense of humor.

He is a Swede who is getting what he deserves.

What else do ya need to know??
post #58 of 59

can't we all just shake on it? ;)

my Norwegian blood is making me laugh .... and my Swedish is blushing in anger

That thing is pretty funny though ....
post #59 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by ct55 View Post
my Norwegian blood is making me laugh .... and my Swedish is blushing in anger
You poor thing... some of us aren't conflicted at all!

Ah well, as my dear sainted mother used to say...

"Yust cuz yer Norvegian don't mean dat yer fartz don't schtink!"

(actually, she never said that... but she did enjoy a good yoke!)
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