or Connect
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Swedish and Norwegian Jokes

post #1 of 59
Thread Starter 
This thread is dedicated to the little known and under reported border conflict between Norway and Sweden.

I'll start it off with one of my favorites:

Once there came a customer into a store and asked, "Kan jag få två smørgåssar?" (May I have two sandwiches). The store-clerk then asked, "Are you Swedish?" whereupon the customer said (in Norwegian), " er det fordi jag sa 'smørgåssar' de skjønnte at jag var svensk?" (is it because I said 'smørgåssar' (Swedish for sandwiches) that you thought I was Swedish). The clerk made a cunning smirk, "No, it's because you're in a hardware store."
post #2 of 59
The Winning Norwegian

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
- "Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"



A Swede was in a pub in Norway and a regular customer suggested to him:
- "I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head." The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure. The Norwegian smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
- "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.
- "I am not a total idiot," the Norwegian replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."
post #3 of 59
A Swede named Sven was having a problem with a skunk.

"Every niight a skunk appears at my backdoor. The smell is AWFUL, my wife can't sleep and I don't know what to do about it" "Easy, said Olaf, just put out some leftover lutefisk at the end of supper. No wild animal can stand the smell - you'll be fixed up real quick, donchaknow".

OK I'll try ANYTING said Sven.

Next day, Olaf sees Sven looking jest as miserable as the day before. "Sven - what's the matter - did the skunk come back last night?" "Oh the skunks aren't the problem now Ole, now its the NORWEGIANS I can't get rid of"
post #4 of 59
One night Helga and Ole had a fight. A little later Ole walks into the bedroom to find Helga packing her suitcases. Ole says, "Where are you going?" Helga replies, "I'm going to Olso. There they pay a woman 200 krone for what I do for you in bed for free." To Helga's astonishment Ole grabs his suitcases and starts packing. Helga asks, "What are you doing?" Ole replies, "I'm going with you. I want to see you live on 400 krone a year."
post #5 of 59
A little to the North and East, but

The Swede went to visit his Finlander friend
The two thought that to share a drink would be a useful way to strengthen their friendship, so agreed to meet at the Fin's favorite place.

Sitting down, the Finn host lifted two fingers and soon a pair of glasses and a bottle of Vodka was set before them. The Swede took the initiative and poured the glasses full, lifting his with a hearty "Skål!" "hej då"

Soon each glass was emptied and the guest replenised the liquid and again made a toast to his friend, "Skål"

The two sat a bit longer whithout a word passing. The Swede began to wonder if he had in some way offended his guest.

Trying to put himself in good favor with his frriend he filled the glasses once more and again toasted "Skål!"

With this act, the Fin cleared his throat and in a firm voice spoke.

"Talk, Talk, Talk, I thought we came to drink!
post #6 of 59
This cutting-edge humor was completely wasted in the thread on White Knights and Rednecks in DC, so I am delighted to have a place to recycle....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Didya hear about the tragic fire in the Swedish National Library??

Both volumes burned.

And the real tragedy was that only one had been colored in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whaddya get when you cross a Swede with a gorilla?

Nothing... there are some things a gorilla just won't do!

post #7 of 59
Definition: Nordic Combine (nor dik' com byn')
1: A Nordic competition involving XC skiing and Ski jumping
2:A machine for harvesting Scandinavian wheat
3: A socially unacceptable inter-racial marriage, such as between a Swede and a Norwegian
post #8 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN View Post
Forgot to say this previously, but that is a really great troll, a perfect specimen of the species.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN View Post
This cutting-edge humor was completely wasted in the thread on White Knights and Rednecks in DC, so I am delighted to have a place to recycle....
Literally pearls before swine, I am so glad you reposted.
post #9 of 59

norsk tongue twister

Here ya go, viking.... no need to translate, just read aloud as fast as possible! :

Da de hvide kom til de vilde, ville de vilde vide, hvad de hvide ville de vilde; men de hvide ville ikke lade de vilde vide, hvad de hvide ville de vilde, for de hvide vidste, at hvis de vilde vidste, hvad de hvide ville de vilde, ville de vilde ikke lade de hvide vide, hvad de vilde vidste, for de hvide ville jo vide, om de vilde vidste, at guldet var værdifuldt.
post #10 of 59

Ole and Clarence

Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence
Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling
across the river at each other all the time.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross
dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good,
yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally, the state built a
bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena, asks, "Now is your chance, Ole. Vhy
don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like
you said you vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust
dat!"

Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the
bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and
came back home. Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout
beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him
from across the river he don't look so big. But dey
put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6
in."
post #11 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN View Post
Here ya go, viking.... no need to translate, just read aloud as fast as possible! :

Da de hvide kom til de vilde, ville de vilde vide, hvad de hvide ville de vilde; men de hvide ville ikke lade de vilde vide, hvad de hvide ville de vilde, for de hvide vidste, at hvis de vilde vidste, hvad de hvide ville de vilde, ville de vilde ikke lade de hvide vide, hvad de vilde vidste, for de hvide ville jo vide, om de vilde vidste, at guldet var værdifuldt.

I'm going to wait for my wife, her accent is a lot better .
post #12 of 59

Norwegians: not as dumb as we look?

Ole was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests of fish. He

was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked Ole, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir, I don't have any of dose licenses, no. Ya must understand dese

are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Ya! Every night I take dese here fish down to da lake and let "em swim

'round for a while. Den I vistle and they yump right back into dis ice

chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the game warden.

Ole looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's da truth

Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really verks."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Vell, what?" said Ole.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

Ole said, "Call vut back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"Vut fish?" answered Ole.

Norwegians may not be as smart as some big city slickers, but we aren't as

dumb as most government employees.

post #13 of 59
post #14 of 59
Thread Starter 
So this Norwegian drives his truck into a tunnel on the border between Sweden and Norway and gets stuck.

The Swedish traffic master comes out and sizes up the situation, "Well, how about you let a little air out of the tires and try to back it up?"

The Norwegian driver replied, "But I don't see how that will help, it's stuck at the top."
post #15 of 59
This Charlie Boone & Roger Erikson classic speaks to key commonalities between Swedes and Norwegians:


'Twas the night before Christmas with things all a bustle
As Mama got set for the Christmas Eve tussle.
Aunts, uncles and cousins would soon be arriving
With stomachs all ready for Christmas Eve dining.
While I sat alone with a feeling of dread,
As visions of lutfisk danced in my head.
The thought of the smell made my eyeballs start burning.
The thought of the taste set my stomach to churning.
For I'm one of those who good Swedes rebuff:
A Scandahoovian boy who can't stand the stuff.

Each year, however, I played at the game
to spare mama and papa the undying shame.
I must bear up bravely, I can't take the risk of relatives knowing I hate lutfisk.
I know they would spurn me, my presents withhold,
if the unthinkable, unspeakable truth they were told.
Then out in the yard I heard such a clatter,
I jumped up to see what was the matter.
There in the snow, all in a jumble,
three of my uncles had taken a tumble.

My aunts, as usual, gave them "what for",
and soon they were up and through the door.
Then with talk, and more cheer,
an hour was passed as Mama finished the Christmas repast.
From out in the kitchen an odor came stealing,
that fairly set my senses to reeling.
The smell of lutfisk creeped down the hall
and wilted a plant in a pot on the wall.
The others reacted as though they were smitten,
while the aroma laid low my small helpless kitten.
Uncles Oscar and Lars said, "Oh, that smells yummy,"
and Kermit's eyes glittered while he patted his tummy.

The scent skipped off the ceiling and bounced off the door,
and the bird in the cuckoo clock fell on the floor.
Mama announced dinner by ringing a bell.
They pushed to the table with a yump and a yell.
I lifted my eyes to heaven and sighed,
and a rose on the wallpaper withered and died.
With wooden legs I found my chair
and sat in silence with an unseeing stare.
Most of the food was already in place;
there remained only to fill the lutfisk's space.
Then Mama came proudly with a bowl on a trivet.
You would have thought the crown jewels were in it.

She placed it carefully down and took her seat,
and Papa said Grace before we could eat.
It seemed to me, with my whirling head,
the shortest prayer he ever had said.
Then Mama lifted the cover on the steaming dish,
and I was face to face with the quivering fish.
"Me first," I heard Uncle Kermit call,
while I watched the paint peel off the wall.

The plates were passed for Papa to fill.
I waited in agony between fever and chill.
He would dip in the spoon and hold it up high.
As it oozed on the plates, I thought I would die.
Then came my plate, and to my feverish brain
there seemed enough lutfisk to derail a train.
It looked like a mountain of congealing glue:
oddly transparent, yet discolored, the hue.
With butter and cream sauce I tried to conceal it;
I salted and peppered, but the smell still revealed it.
I drummed up my courage, I tried to be bold.
Mama reminds me, "Eat, before it gets cold."

I decided to face it, "Uff da," I sighed.
"Uff da, indeed," my stomach replied.
Then I summoned that resolve for which every breed is known.
My hand took the fork as with a mind of its own.
And with reckless abandon that lutfisk I ate,
within twenty seconds I'd cleaned my plate.
Uncle Kermit flashed me an ear-to-ear grin,
as butter and cream sauce dripped from his chin.
Then to my great shock, he whispered in my ear:
"I'm sure glad this is over for another year!"

It was then I learned a great and wonderful truth,
that Swedes and Norwegians, from old men to youth,
must each pay their dues to have the great joy
of being known as a good Scandahoovian boy.

And so to you all, as you face the great test:
Happy Christmas to you, and to you all the best.
post #16 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN View Post
Here ya go, viking.... no need to translate, just read aloud as fast as possible! :

Da de hvide kom til de vilde, ville de vilde vide, hvad de hvide ville de vilde; men de hvide ville ikke lade de vilde vide, hvad de hvide ville de vilde, for de hvide vidste, at hvis de vilde vidste, hvad de hvide ville de vilde, ville de vilde ikke lade de hvide vide, hvad de vilde vidste, for de hvide ville jo vide, om de vilde vidste, at guldet var værdifuldt.
For a more cultured approach:

O sibile
Si ergo
Fortibus es in ero

O Nobile
Demes Trux
Vates Inem
Causendux
post #17 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by FOG View Post
For a more cultured approach:

O sibile
Si ergo
Fortibus es in ero

O Nobile
Demes Trux
Vates Inem
Causendux
Latin-Schmatin! or... "We don't need no schtinking culture!"

But in honor of the German town where I spent a year:

"In Ulm und um Ulm und um Ulm herum"
post #18 of 59
Maybe some help:

O sibile Oh, see Billy,
Si ergo See 'er go,
Fortibus es in ero Forty buses in a row

O Nobile Oh No, Billy
Demes Trux Dem is trux
Vates Inem What is in 'em
Causendux Cows 'n' Ducks
post #19 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by FOG View Post
Maybe some help:

O sibile Oh, see Billy,
Si ergo See 'er go,
Fortibus es in ero Forty buses in a row

O Nobile Oh No, Billy
Demes Trux Dem is trux
Vates Inem What is in 'em
Causendux Cows 'n' Ducks
And again I say... "we don't need no schtinking culture!"
post #20 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKN View Post
But in honor of the German town where I spent a year:

"In Ulm und um Ulm und um Ulm herum"
Ah yes "in and all around Ulm". I stopped there for a rest day on a bike tour and got talked into climbing that stupid cathedral. Some rest!
post #21 of 59
Mine Grosvater Hartnägel ist von ULM.
And yes, I've climbed that spire too.
Worlds Tallest Single Spire Cathedral.
.
post #22 of 59
Thread Starter 
Ok, since we've moved to Ulm, we can tell one schwabian joke. Everybody knows that Schwobs are thrifty, right?

So they had this soccer game at the local village where the official used a coin toss to determine sides.

Next morning's headline in the Stuttgarter Zeitung "2,000 Injured at local soccer game."
post #23 of 59
Thread Starter 

Back to the topic

Once on tour the guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell a joke, whereupon a guy got up and said that he could tell a norwegian joke. Suddenly a woman in the back of the bus said, "No, don't do that. I'm norwegian." The guide looked at her and said, "Oh, that's okay. We'll explain it to you afterwards."
post #24 of 59

troll alert

Quote:
Originally Posted by viking kaj View Post
Ok, since we've moved to Ulm, ."
ok, viking... here's your chance to get back to Scandinavia, albeit in another thread. DC_duh has returned, asking for someone to define TROLLS... which would seem right up your alley.....

http://forums.epicski.com/showpost.p...95&postcount=8
post #25 of 59
"I need to buy some boards there, Sven."
"How long you want 'em, Ole?"
"Long time. I'm building a house, ya know."

hint for all you skiing Swedes.... they aren't talking about THOSE kind of "boards."
post #26 of 59

oldies but goodies....

Did you hear about the Swede who won the gold medal at the Olympics?

He had it bronzed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Sven and Ole are walking home from the tavern late at night and they head down the railroad tracks, and Sven says, "This is the longest flight of stairs I ever climbed in my life."

And Ole says, "Yeah, it's not the stairs that bother me so much, it's these low railings."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey Sven, how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?"

"I don't know, Ole."

"Only two, if you run them through real slow."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Mama, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Sveeeeedish?"

"No, it's because you're NINETEEN."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So what's the difference between a Swede and a canoe?

A canoe will sometimes tip.
post #27 of 59
Thread Starter 
Then there's the story about the norwegian who was building himself a house. His norwegian neighbor came by and asked why he threw away every second nail. "Because when I pick them up the head of the nail is at the wrong end", the man replied. His neighbor just laughed and said "How stupid can you get? Don't you realize that those nails were made to be used on the other side of the house???"
post #28 of 59
Thread Starter 

So who can identify this flag???

post #29 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by viking kaj View Post
SCANIA!

But being an honest Norwegian ...... I didn't know that without cheating a bit, by tracing your pic! But very interesting. Still not entirely clear where/what/when Scania is? I gather southern tip of modern-day Sweden, having changed hands many times over the centuries? Darnit, this thread just got way too educational.....

http://www2.sbbs.se/hp/erson/scanian...sy/index-e.htm
post #30 of 59
I've just watched the Eurovisioin preliminary final, and there were some Norwegian Jokes on that! The final screens tomorrow, whereupon we'll see the Swedish Jokes, I imagine.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Humour and Fun Stuff