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Speeding Ticket

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Here’s the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a b____ told you I was speeding, too.
post #2 of 18
post #3 of 18
Officer: It's been a long week, I'm tired, and I've already given out enough tickets today. Tell you what, if you can give me a good excuse as to why you were speeding I'll let you go with a warning.

Speeder: Well, Sir, You see the thing is that my wife ran off with a policeman last weekend.

Officer: So?

Speeder: I thought you were bringing her back.
post #4 of 18

Speed

Real Life. Spotted a sedan weaving through traffic on major thorofare, 4 lanes doing 65 in a 35. Finally got her stopped and she told me. Oh officer it was an emergency "I was running out of gas and had to get to the station."

Years ago on late night patrol I'd park over Interstate 5 and watch for real speeders (100 plus). Would pull over and tell them, "If you tell me the truth on you actual speed I will let you go with a warning, if you lie to me about your speed I will write you a ticket." Of the roughly 20 people stopped One told the truth, he in a cor vette doing 101 and admitted this at 0300 hrs one morning. "Slow down jet jockey". Interesting little self study in human behavior.
post #5 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by slider View Post
This has absolutely nothing to do with Matts' post.
But I like it.
post #6 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete No. Idaho View Post
Real Life. Spotted a sedan weaving through traffic on major thorofare, 4 lanes doing 65 in a 35. Finally got her stopped and she told me. Oh officer it was an emergency "I was running out of gas and had to get to the station."

Years ago on late night patrol I'd park over Interstate 5 and watch for real speeders (100 plus). Would pull over and tell them, "If you tell me the truth on you actual speed I will let you go with a warning, if you lie to me about your speed I will write you a ticket." Of the roughly 20 people stopped One told the truth, he in a cor vette doing 101 and admitted this at 0300 hrs one morning. "Slow down jet jockey". Interesting little self study in human behavior.
Nice tie in Pete
post #7 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GarryZ View Post
This has absolutely nothing to do with Matts' post.
But I like it.
Why Garry?

It sucks!!

It really sucks


Autopsy Class

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses an__ and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this mans an__, but licked my index finger?


Mastercard Wedding
post #8 of 18
Hey Pete,
19 of those driver's had the "1st-gear speedometer" that only went up to 80 mph. I remember speeding in a '77 GMC Sprint (GMC's el-camino) that was a little better (numbers went up to 100mph/160 kph). If I had told you I was going "N" would you have let me go?
post #9 of 18

Speeding

GHOST. Sorry, if your old car could hit 100mph you were either a real liar or a candidate for 5150 WI, thats a 72 hour hold for being a mental - ie. going 100 in that car.
post #10 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete No. Idaho View Post
GHOST. Sorry, if your old car could hit 100mph you were either a real liar or a candidate for 5150 WI, thats a 72 hour hold for being a mental - ie. going 100 in that car.
FALSE ARREST.

I think you have this truck confused with some three-cylinder suzuki.
http://www.chevelles.com/sprint/

Though it only had a 350 4-bbl, that chevy would run circles around my mother's Oldsmobile Cutlass (with a 350 4-bbl). It had highway gearing. The speedometer needle didn't slow down until it got past "L1", and "L2" was available on any day, any road. "N" only came occasionally.
post #11 of 18
Too late to edit.: It was not a chevy! It was a GMC! Apologies to you purists.
post #12 of 18
I wonder if that was the same engine that was in my 1969 Buick LeSabre.
It wasnt that fast from a standing start, but if you wanted to accelerate from 60 mph it really took off. I never did find the top end - I either got nervous or ran out of runway.

I did drive it 120 mph most of the way across Utah (or maybe it was Nevada - a long time ago now). That was on ordinary tires (I know, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!) but I got lucky and nothing went wrong.
It did destroy the seals on the transmission -- it dripped after that.
post #13 of 18
69 LeSabre had a 445 CID. Had 1 in a Wildcat GS, big power and road hugging weight.
post #14 of 18
I totalled a '69 LeSabre. Fell asleep at the wheel and hit a '76 Riv. :

Dumb, dumb, dumb...

It's a miracle I'm alive. The cop couldn't believe it. No seat belt, and I woke up standing on the double-yellow facing away from the car as it rested against a tree. I still don't know how I got out.

The impact actually bent the engine components under the hood. Unbelievable.
post #15 of 18
I fell asleep while driving two times, both many years ago. Both times I had a dream about driving. While sleeping I passed cars, and took corners. The first time I woke up when I clued in that things didn't seem to make sense, like I was under instructions to drive an old wreck of a truck off the pier into the St. Lawrence River in SMITH FALLS ( I was headed towards smith falls in my mom's oldsmobile, but Smith Falls is nowhere near the St. Lawrence). The second time I was "parking" my car next to the yellow insulation beside the construction trailer, but as soon as I got beside it I was back where I started. Sometimes the construction trailer was there, sometimes not. Sometimes the yellow insulation dissappeared. Just as I was beginning to think this odd, the construction trailer, a passing transport going the other way, blew his horn at me.
post #16 of 18

Driving

One morning driving home from work (3 AM) I fell asleep on my motorcycle and when I came to the 90 degree turn I woke up in an apple orchard. There are two kinds of motorcycle riders; those that have been down and those that are going down.
post #17 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete No. Idaho View Post
One morning driving home from work (3 AM) I fell asleep on my motorcycle and when I came to the 90 degree turn I woke up in an apple orchard. There are two kinds of motorcycle riders; those that have been down and those that are going down.
Been down, no longer have bike
post #18 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost View Post
Hey Pete,
19 of those driver's had the "1st-gear speedometer" that only went up to 80 mph.
I had a rental car like that while working on a drilling rig in Wyoming, 100 miles (50 minutes) outside of Casper The needle went well below the dash, and from the angle you could work out the speed quite nicely.
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