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A few notes from the Redneck News...

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.

Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

A tour bus of old folks from West Virginia stopped at the door of Sally's Pancake House for breakfast and saw the sign on the door, "No food or drink in restaurant." So they kept on driving.

My relatives from Kentucky drove here to visit. They never showed up. They came to the sign on the Chicago Skyway, "Chicago LEFT", so they went home.
post #2 of 19
If a man & woman get dee-vorced in West-by-God-Virginia ...

Are they still brother & sister?

:
post #3 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuki View Post
If a man & woman get dee-vorced in West-by-God-Virginia ...

Are they still brother & sister?

:
No, it's --

If a man from Kentucky and a woman from Tennessee get married in Georgia, live in Alabama, and get divorced in South Carolina, are they still considered cousins in Arkansas?
post #4 of 19
An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor asked them why they would choose to do this after nine children. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
post #5 of 19

You know you're a redneck when...

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...
You know you're a redneck when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. New Roman; font-size: 10px; "> New Roman; font-size: 10px; "> New Roman; font-size: 10px; "> New Roman; font-size: 10px; ">New Roman; font-size: 10px; "> Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care...
10. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
post #6 of 19
Yuki... Only if it is in southern West Virginia.... Once you get up to the northern part, we limit it to cousins....

JK... I think the only incest in WV is in the very very South.. south of Charleston and Huntington... it's a totally different state down there.... I went there once and refuse to go back...
post #7 of 19
wow - you were being serious!

Never been to WV but as a former banjo player (no I don't have that one on the resume) it was always considered like the promised land or something.

Things you never hear:

"Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
post #8 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by ct55 View Post
Things you never hear:

"Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
...what would complement the baked beans more... Rothschild '64 0r '66?
post #9 of 19
enuf a'ready, you preverts!!!
post #10 of 19
: Hey! I've gone to the dump and come back with more than I took.

A lawn tractor in mint condition other than a flat ... better than the one I owned.

A picnic table .... we needed one and it was in great shape.

Swing set ... almost new and my kid was going on two.

It was so nice living in a pretty rich town where people threw out nice stuff all the time.
post #11 of 19
In the news today: Some guy in Florida (I know, not WV but close enough) got arrested for dragging a dead gator into his front yard where he began to skin it so that he could make a belt. He was arrested when his neighbors turned him in. Gators are protected in FL. Sounds like redneck news to me.
post #12 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Posaune View Post
In the news today: Some guy in Florida (I know, not WV but close enough) got arrested for dragging a dead gator into his front yard where he began to skin it so that he could make a belt. He was arrested when his neighbors turned him in. Gators are protected in FL. Sounds like redneck news to me.
....gaters is et in flowduh....gator farmer motto: eats mo tail......
post #13 of 19
My parents are pretty good friends with a rich lawyer... He always buys stuff he doesn't need, uses it once, then gives it away... usually to my parents. Free stuff is the bomb.
post #14 of 19
There are lots of rednecks in the NW too.


Check out my new 5th wheel.



I don't have anything to tow it with yet so I'll just call it home.:
post #15 of 19
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Because anywhere else it would have been called the TEETHbrush!
post #16 of 19
Nah... in WV, it's all or nothing.
post #17 of 19
I am literally the biggest redneck on this board. really seriously listen.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Redneck

My mom's heritage is the family that started and headed this little rebelion.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whiskey_Rebellion

the miller homestead(aka my great great multi times granddads) which is now the entire town of south park township in western pa(great mountain biking)

Georgia, the western counties engaged in a campaign of harassment of the federal tax collectors. "Whiskey Boys" also made violent protests in Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina, and Georgia. [2] By the summer of 1794, tensions reached a fevered pitch all along the western frontier as the pioneer/settlers' primary marketable commodity was threatened by the federal taxation measures. Finally the civil protests became an armed rebellion. The first shots were fired at the Oliver Miller Homestead in present day South Park Township Pennsylvania — about ten miles south of Pittsburgh. As word of the rebellion spread across the frontier, a whole series of loosely organized resistance measures were taken, including robbing the mail, stopping court proceedings, and the threat of an assault on Pittsburgh. One group disguised as women, assaulted a tax collector, cropped his hair, coated him with tar and feathers, and stole his horse. Though this did not kill the collector, it physically scarred him for life.
George Washington and Alexander Hamilton, remembering Shays' Rebellion from just eight years before, decided to make Pennsylvania a testing ground for federal authority. Washington ordered federal marshals to serve court orders requiring the tax protesters to appear in federal district court. On August 7, 1794, Washington invoked Martial Law to summon the militias of Pennsylvania, Virginia and several states. The rebel force they sought was likewise composed of Pennsylvanians, Virginians, and possibly men from other states. [3]
The militia force of 13,000 men was organized, roughly the size of the entire army in the Revolutionary War. Under the personal command of Washington, Hamilton and Revolutionary War hero General Henry "Lighthorse Harry" Lee, the army assembled in Harrisburg and marched into Western Pennsylvania (to what is now Monongahela, Pennsylvania) in October of 1794. The rebels "could never be found," according to Jefferson, but the militia expended considerable effort rounding up 20 prisoners, clearly demonstrating Federalist authority in the national government. The men were imprisoned, where one died, while two were convicted of treason and sentenced to death by hanging. Washington, however, pardoned them on the grounds that one was a "simpleton," and the other, "insane."
post #18 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattitude View Post
There are lots of rednecks in the NW too.


Check out my new 5th wheel.



I don't have anything to tow it with yet so I'll just call it home.:
Sweet. Did you get your license back,hillbilly.
post #19 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by hydrogen_wv View Post
.. south of Charleston and Huntington... it's a totally different state down there.... I went there once and refuse to go back...
Even people from Huntington don't like to go any farther south.
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EpicSki › The Barking Bear Forums › Off-Season Sports & The Lighter Side › Humour and Fun Stuff › A few notes from the Redneck News...