or Connect
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Old Irish Joke

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
post #2 of 7

I've also heard this joke with the punchline, "Well, 3 of his coworkers dove in to save him, but he fought them off bravely."
post #3 of 7

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor .

"Not a chance," she said . "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra." It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate . He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! t'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here,

I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
post #4 of 7

Best Toast

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his
toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a
contest at who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of
me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary,
"I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on
the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said,
"Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
make him come!"
post #5 of 7

Favorite Irish Joke

Picture this: It's Saturday, it's St. Patrick's day, and you're in Paddy's Pub. Two guys have been sitting next to each other and drinking beer for over three hours. Neither has spoken to the other.
Finally one turns to the other and asks-"Where are you from, my good man?" "I'm from Dublin" relies the other. "I'll be dammed-I'm from Dublin too! Paddy-bring us two pints. To your health down the hatch."
"And where abouts in Dublin are you from?" "I'm from the East Side", says the other. "Sweet Jesus-I'm from the East side too!' Paddy- two more pints-to your health, down the hatch."
"Where did you go to High School?" "I went to St. Timothy's." replies the other. "I don't believe this-I went to St. Timothy's too. Paddy-two more pints-to your health, down the hatch."
"And when did you graduate?" "I graduated in 68", says the other. "Mother McCready- I graduated in 68 too!! Paddy-two more pints. To your health, down the hatch."
When Paddy returned to the other end of the bar, one of the other patrons asked-"What's all the commotion going on down there?" "Pay them no mind", replied Paddy. "It's just the O'Mally twins-drunk again!"
post #6 of 7
Thread Starter 
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little spit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 

Floods In Ireland

We have all seen the devastration of Katrina, in New Orleans,

All the Flooding in Sri Lanka,

Gotta say a prayer for these guys!!!

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Humour and Fun Stuff