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post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 
1. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scum sucking, bottom dwelling, good for nothing scavenger and the other one's a fish.

2. A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

3. The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

4. A man goes into an antique store. After looking at most of the articles for sale he spots a beautiful bronze sculpture of a rat. The man is enthralled by the rat and takes it up to the owner to buy it. "How much for the rat?" he asks the proprietor.

"Ten bucks for the rat and a thousand bucks for the story" says the owner.
"Keep the story, I'll just take the rat" says the guy, who then pays the owner and walks outside with the rat under his arm.
Almost immediately a handful of rats fall in line behind the man and his purchase. The further the man walks, the more rats that congregate behind him. Eventually there are so many rats that the man becomes afraid and runs down to the river that cuts through the town.
At the edge of the river, with all the rats in town squealing and milling around him, he throws the bronze rat as far out into the river as he can. Without hesitation all the rats in town jump into the river to follow the bronze rat as it sinks to the bottom -- and all of the rats drown.
After recovering from the ordeal, the man makes his way back to the antique store.
"Aha!" says the store owner. "You came back for the story about the rat." "Nope," says the man. "I was just wondering if you had a bronze lawyer"

5. A lawyer is cross-examining a doctor on the stand about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not," said the doctor.
"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor, having enough of the lawyer's redicule, stated, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."

6. There was once a man who was as nice as could be, except he absolutely hated lawyers. Whenever he would see a lawyer on the side of a road, he would swerve his pick-up truck and run over him or her.

Then one day, he was driving down the freeway when he saw a priest next to his car, which had broken down. Being such a nice man, he pulled over and offered the preist a ride to the next gas station.
While he was driving, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He started to swerve over, when he realized there was a priest in his car. He thought he missed the lawyer, but he still heard a loud bang. Then he pulled over and confessed to the priest about his problem and said that's why he swerved the car. He told the priest that he thought he missed the lawyer when the priest interrupted him and said, "That's okay, I hit him with my door!"

post #2 of 5
Very nice Lawyer jokes.

But did you know that 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name!

The Lawyer and The Cop:

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that' s the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
post #3 of 5
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

My wife is an estate planning lawyer.
post #4 of 5
A lawyer and his client are walking down the street. Jessica Simpson walks by in a short dress and the client says, "Boy, would I love to screw her." The lawyer replies, "Out of what?"
post #5 of 5
Some excerpts of actual court testimony:

By Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

By the Court: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

The Court (addressing the public denfender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

By the Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.


By Attorney: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

By Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

Witness: I forget things.

Attorney: You forget things? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?


By Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

By Witness: He said, "Where am I Cheryl?"

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Kathy.


By Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

By Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


By Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

By Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?


By Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo or the occult?

By Witness: We both do.

Attorney: Voodoo?

Witness: We do.

Attorney: You do?

Witness: Yes. Voodoo.


By Attorney: Did you blow your horn or anything?

By Witness: After the accident?

Attorney: Before the accident.

Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


By Attorney: Does Quicken have -- strike that. Did the Quicken program that you acquired have a capcity to generate a financial statement?

By Witness: Yes.

Attorney: Was Quicken a -- was the Quicken program that you -- when did you -- I'm sorry. Let me start over. When was the Quicken program first acquired?

Witness: January 1st of 1992.

Attorney: I don't know what I'd do if I weren't so articulate. It's been the key to my success so far.


By Attorney: So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then?

By Witness: Mr. Stewart gave me artifical insemination -- you know, mouth-to-mouth.


By Attorney: Are you married?

By Witness: No. I'm divorced.

Attorney: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.


By Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?

By Witness: The young lady is pregnant -- but not as a result of my examination.


By Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

By Witness: I refuse to answer that question.

Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

Witness: I refuse to answer that question.

Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

Witness: No.


By Attorney: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

By Witness: Because he was argumentary and couldn't pronunciate his words.


By Attorney: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

By Witness: It indicates intercourse.

Attorney: Male sperm?

Witness: That's the only kind I know of.


By Attorney: Now -- You have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?


By Attorney: When was the last time you saw the deceased?

By Witness: At his funeral.

Attorney: Did he make any comments to you at that time?


By Attorney: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child.

By Witness: I'm his mother.

Attorney: And you have been so all of his life?


By Attorney: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

By Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And these stairs -- did they go up also?


By Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

By Witness: I'll be three months on March 12th.

Attorney: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: What were you doing at that time?


By Attorney: Have you lived in this town all your life?

By Witness: Not yet.


By Attorney: Now doctor -- Isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases, he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?


By Attorney: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?


By Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


By Attorney: Were you alone or by yourself?


By Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?


By Attorney: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?


By Attorney: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?


By Attorney: So -- You were gone until you returned?


By Attorney: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?


By Attorney: Your Honor -- I'd like to strike the next question.


By the Court Clerk: Please repeat after me, "I swear by Almighty God ..."
By the Witness: I swear by Almighty God.

Clerk: That the evidence that I give ...

Witness: That's right.

Clerk: Repeat it.

Witness: Repeat it.

Clerk: No! Repeat what I said.

Witness: What you said when?

Clerk: That the evidence that I give ...

Witness: That the evidence that I give.

Clerk: Shall be the truth and ...

Witness: It will, and nothing but the truth!

Clerk: Please. Just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and ..."

Witness: I'm not a scholar, you know.

Clerk: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and ..."

Witness: Shall be the truth and...

Clerk: Say, "Nothing ..."

Witness: Okay. [Witness remains silent]

Clerk: No! Don't say nothing. Say, "Nothing but the truth ..."

Witness: Yes.

Clerk: Can't you say, "Nothing but the truth ...?"

Witness: Yes.

Clerk: Well? ... Do so.

Witness: You're confusing me.

Clerk: Just say, "Nothing but the truth ..."

Witness: Is that all?

Clerk: Yes.

Witness: Okay. I understand.

Clerk: Then say it.

Witness: What?

Clerk: "Nothing but the truth ..."

Witness: But I do! That's just it.

Clerk: You must say, "Nothing but the truth ..."

Witness: I will say nothing but the truth!

Clerk: Please, just repeat these four words "Nothing." "But." "The." "Truth."

Witness: What? You mean, like, now?

Clerk: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.

Witness: "Nothing. But. The. Truth"

Clerk: Thank you.

Witness: I'm just not a scholar you know.

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