made me think of this.. it's about snowboarders (written BY snowboarders)... but #10 is the Mean Park Grom. That's our boy "POET". Y'all agree?
Ten Degrees of Whack - The Angry Interns (Snowboarding Magazine)
So, at long last the shitbag bosses let us out for a weekend of snowboarding. "Cool", we thought. "Finally getting some back instead of giving, giving, giving - a bit of schralp to remind us what makes this slavery worthwhile." What we didn't count on is all the irritating people you have to deal with on the mountain. Between the park rats, snowsluts, and claimers, it was enough to make us want to gouge our eyes out with a pair of highbacks. At one point, it actually felt worse than hanging at the office with these schmucks - and that's bad. Here's a rundown of the idiots out there. If you find yourself fitting any of these profiles, better get in line quick - YOU are part of the problem.
Local Shop Dude
Characterized by claiming hard when asked where the goods are, this employee finds a way to insinuate himself or ripping his buddy into every conversation that goes down. "Yeah, I know that jump. My friend did a Cab nine off it." Or, "Oh that run? Yup, I 50-50'd a rainbow in the trees right over there." He assumes that since you're asking him for information that you naturally have no idea what you're doing. "Go ahead and check it out - IF you're good enough."
Hardcore Backcountry Rider
This is the rider who wears one of those fancy hydration holsters because he's too gnarly to stop for a water break. He looks down on anyone not "peeping" and takes up all the room on the chairlift with a huge backpack dedicated to avalanche safety gear. Get ready to be dissed by him if you're planning on staying in bounds - it's not real snowboarding unless you have to hike it. The backcountry rider also eats those packets of energy goop.
Add hippies to snow and this is what you get. Out there to "carve it up, man", he wears headphones that secrete a constant stream of reggae, Blues Traveler, or Sublime. The soul rider generally travels alone and manages to tirelessly engage you in conversation on the lift - even over the filth pumping out of his walkman - all the while bullying you into "smoking nugs" with him. This guy's also the one hooping and hollering as he rips down the sick run under the lift.
He looks exactly like JP Walker or Todd Richards, the kid has it down to a science. Only by catching a rare glance of his riding do you realize he's a total beginner, spending so much of his time on steez and bling that he never actually learned to ride. But, just like that slow kid in class that can't read, the poseur manages to artfully avoid getting his skills put to the test. Hanging at the bottom of pipes, in liftlines, or at the lodge is where you'll find him - rolling thick with a crew of cronies who are obviously very down.
Oblivious Beginner - "Do you think I'm ready for the step-in system?"
We're not against learning to snowboard, but we are against stupidity - and there's few things stupider than the novice who has absolutely no clue what's going on around him. He lurks under knolls and on the lips or run-ins of jumps, flopping around helplessly like some sort of beached whale. If the OB does get his balance long enough to rail out a mean toeside carve at 90 mph, run for your life - he's not even paying attention to scope out who to nail next.
This one's on a misty program. A real local - probably the butcher's son or a member of that weird logging family up the road. He wears flannel shirts and sometimes no gloves or goggles - not a fashion statement, just doesn't f-ing need that fancy outerwear to ride. Often a one-hit wonder, the hick will blast out of the trees and drop in for huge frontside air in the pipe, then beeline down the flatbottom and disappear just as fast as he came.
The player is not about the shred - he's about the action. On vacation and looking to hook up at all costs, this dude sees the mountain as one big singles mixer. When he asks a girl in the liftline if she's "single", he's not asking if she needs someone to ride up the chair with. The winter months are open-season hunting for him, and the resort towns being one big adult high school party. The player scores more often than you'd think.
She's a prime target for the player, but sadly, her sights are usually set on the local hero. A thick layer of foundation as well as lipliner and large earrings protect her from the elements - and don't forget sports bras in the spring. She choses outerwear on it's level of form-fitting flattery and lack of interference with the hairdo. Swishing and waggling her way down the side of the park, the snow bunny avoids all the jumps in favor of "hitting" something else.
Weekend Warrior Jock
Okay, this guy is out there to ride. With only two short days to get in as much vertical as possible, the warrior jock is at the mountain from dawn 'til dusk. He might cut you off in the liftline, but only because he's in such a hurry to clock runs. The jock also makes fill use of "apres-ski", sometimes draging the party into the wee hours of the morning. Works hard, plays hard.
Mean Park Grom
This little shred rodent derives sick pleasure out of snowboarding at the expense of the others' good time. While giving the impression of doing mellow laps, he's really launching a strategic assault on the people in the park. Every line you take - there he is, right in front of you, swearing and spewing out insults about how you're cutting him off. The really surly ones even wait around in the liftline to start a beef. And heaven forbid you fall in a landing zone or something - he'll run over your neck without the least bit of guilt.
All humor aside - it's hard to be a teenager. You guys remember - you're 15 years old, chicks just don't dig you - or don't *GET* you, you listen to music with a lot of messages you don't fully understand - because they're written by adults. Life is hard.