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Understanding Engineers

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many billions of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
post #2 of 12

Understanding Engineers from the Contractor's perspective

An architect is said to be a man who knows a very little
about a great deal and keeps knowing less and less about
more and more until he knows practically nothing about
everything, whereas on the other hand, an engineer is a
man who knows a great deal about very little and who goes
along knowing more and more about less and less until finally
he knows practically everything about nothing.

A contractor starts out knowing practically everything about
everything, but ends up knowing nothing about anything,
due to his association with architects and engineers.
post #3 of 12
Definition of a contractor. "Someone who borrows your watch and tells you what time it is."
post #4 of 12

Understanding Contractors

post #5 of 12

Understanding the need for Engineers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field between 40 & 41 deg. latitude and 120 and 124 deg West longitude."

"You must be an Architect," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am."

The man below says, "You must be a contractor."
"Well, yes," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going and you've made a promise that you can't keep but now you expect me to solve your problem; and you're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
post #6 of 12
Q. How can you spot the extroverted engineer?
A. They are staring at the other persons shoes....
post #7 of 12
There are two big conferences in NY, one for Engineers and one for Lawyers. They are both being held in the same building downtown.

On the first day of the conference, two groups run into each other at the train station and chat while waiting in line to buy tickets into the city.

When they reach the counter, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

After the conference, the lawyers (recognizing the Engineers' superior intellect) decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
post #8 of 12
being a mechanical engineerning student, all of these i take to heart.

theyre all true
post #9 of 12
They have verbal limitations, but will say with pride "I are a engineer"
post #10 of 12
A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a software engineer are taking a road trip. Suddenly, the car dies, leaving the men stranded in the middle of nowhere. The mechanical engineer pipes up first, declaring that he is going to check the engine to see what's wrong. Finding nothing, he returns to his seat. The chemical engineer offers his help in checking the fuel line to see if the problem may possibly lie there. He, too, finds nothing. The software engineer, confident that he'll be able to solve their troubles, says "Alright. Everyone roll up your windows, get out of the car, shut the doors, and then get back in."
post #11 of 12
So...do fat skis hurt your knees?
post #12 of 12
Only when its about to rain.
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