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The Hardcore Local Bro-Brah Code

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
OK - so the gaper thing has pretty much been covered. How about the opposite end of the spectrum: the hard-core local bro/brah. I mean, where would gapers be without hardcore local bro/brahs calling them gapers?

What follows are a few basic points on the hardcore local bro/brah code. Again,feel free to add.

-talk in that pseudo-SoCal stoned surfer dialect/accent that every bro/brah seems to adopt two weeks after moving from New Jersey to the mountains.

-grow your hair out.If you're really core,let it dread up.

-get the biggest,longest skis you can find. Better yet, get an A/T setup. Better yet get a tele setup.

-acceptable facial hair: the soul-patch, the Shaggy, the Go-Tee, the Fu Manchu, the Gandalf - pretty much anything but the State Trooper stash.

-own at least 15 Greatful Dead bootlegs on cassette.

-don't shower a whole lot.

-moon helicopters.

-crank your bindings way up.

-attend many safety meetings. You can never be too safe.

-wear a funky wool hat handmade in a sweatshop in Guatamala.

-refer to anyone below your ability level as a gaper.

-while gearing up in the parking lot, leave your doors open and blast your crappy music (curiously enough, this one is also on the gaper list).

-put one of those oval location stickers ("JH", "ALTA", "AK") on your vehicle.

-get a sadistic delight out of telling tourists, "Aww, dude, ya shoulda been here last week."

-two words: duct tape
post #2 of 25
-refer to anyone below your ability level as a gaper.

With most of these people youre talking about that doesnt leave them much room to call anyone a gaper unless by ability you refer to the persons fantasy ability based on their big skis that supposedly tell everyone what a hardcore bro/brah they are just remember its all about how you look in the lift line and when walking with the skis on your shoulder.

-crank your bindings way up.

The harcore bro/brah always uses racer stock bindings that start at DIN 10. Of course if you never ski hard or maybe even never even ski then the nonrelease of the binding doesnt matter much. Whats more important is that you can post on TGR.com forums that you never ski below DIN 14 even though you weigh only 140 lbs.

-put one of those oval location stickers ("JH", "ALTA", "AK") on your vehicle.

And make sure that the vehicle is one your rich lawyer dad in NJ or PA bought for you preferably a huge SUV that you fill up with gas on rich lawyer dads credit cards.
post #3 of 25
Have at least 8 pairs of handmade obscure skis with waists over 100mm.
Get more Hucktime than a drunk teenager on a Saturday night.
Never ever say "Race Stock" around the bros.
Bindings have to be at least DIN 40.
Have at least 3000 posts on TGR.
post #4 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by ramshackle View Post
And make sure that the vehicle is one your rich lawyer dad in NJ or PA bought for you preferably a huge SUV that you fill up with gas on rich lawyer dads credit cards.
Maybe they show up for their "freshman year" like that, but they'll soon ditch it for a semi-beat up Suburu wagon (bonus points if it is a pre-Outback wagon), the back of which decorated with some random old ice climbing gear (for decorative purposes only).

Don't forget the "Steal Your Face" sticker with the logo of a local ski mountain or a brand of skis.

And of course, they have to have a dog running around the back of that wagon named after a local mountain, mountain range, or river, or ironically named after a gaper run at a local mountain. (Around here that means "Bridger," "Madison," "Hyalite," "Blackmore," or "Mr. K.")

The dog is either a black lab or some Aussie cattle dog/border collie mutt.

After a few seasons, the real bro/brah will probably also father a child with an undergrad liftie who is in the middle of transforming from former prom queen to a dreadlocked Co-op princess (who still gets her nails done). They name their child according to the same rule as naming the dog.
post #5 of 25
Holy cannoli faber you have a solid grounding in trustafarian 101 I see and also a solid grounding in fake rasta chick and I never heard the term co-op princess before thats a good one for sure.
post #6 of 25

Affect the bro-down

The bro-down: a true bro-brah should be bro-down with, and drop the names of, a number of "name" athletes who may not know him from Adam. Due to the inherent tension created by the bro-down posture in what can be a small world, it helps if the "names" one is bro-down with are in related but separate fields. For instance, if you are a bro-brah "core" skier and happened to see, say, a well-known ice climber and mountaineer at a slide show and they asked your name and graciously showed interest in you individually, you could say at a later date "I was talking to {x} the other day and he mentioned [y]." Should a bro-brah have feelings of doubt while doing this, and believe they should actually build a resume of their own rather than try to ---- hang, they should cast those feelings aside and remember that the bro-down is simply how a core playa rolls.
post #7 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jer View Post

-own at least 15 Greatful Dead bootlegs on cassette.
So these are Old Age Pensioners you are talking about ?

In the UK they would be entitled to a free bus pass.
post #8 of 25
Ramshackle, yes, we have a lot of "co-op princesses" around here (I'll take credit for coining the term ), and a lot of ski bums ranging from the neo-classic trustafarians to the old-school (uphill, both ways) Ridge hippies to the Peter Pan-agonians (stunted youth 30/40something snowboarders) to the Rice Kripsies (meth-head park junkies who work somewhere in the food services industry). Bozeman provides a lot of case studies, a lot of whom are good friends.

CTKook, the "bro-down"...a classic! That's too funny. A few years ago Reinhold Messner was in town giving a talk and he was largely immune (but too polite to refute) the long line of bro-down novices ("I once licked Alex Lowe's footprint"--hard to spurn the "fallen comrade bro-down," but also clumsy and heavy-handed. A total rookie move.)

Latchigo, no, not pensioners. Jer's right. The current avatar of the bro/brah must have a collection of Dead bootlegs at least six shelf-feet long. It is the tradition. But rather than actually trading for them in the parking lot at Red Rocks, when it was possible to do so, they get them off craigslist and then spend hours perfecting the analog/digital mixdown on GarageBand in order to make the ultimate iPod playlist for the walk from the trailhead to the pit-digging site.
post #9 of 25
Perhaps because of all the safety meetings, there is often a disconnect between the lactate threshold and BMI that you would infer from listening to a bro-brah blindfolded, and the LT and BMI that stands so, umm,... stoutly, yes, stoutly... before you.
post #10 of 25
Thread Starter 
-Loudly make fun of people in the lift line/ on the chairlift. Once you get off the chairlift, ski like a complete beater.

-throw away your helmet and replace it with a late 60's vintage knit hat with a puffball on top. I mean, c'mon - what was that helmet really protecting anyway?

-use the f-bomb and the words "like", "dude" and "sick" a lot. End every sentence with a question mark. Example: "F#@* dude, we should, like, go to #9 and, like, get some totally f*#@ing sick turns?"

-Dude, make sure all your clothes are, like, 2 sizes too f*#@ing big.

-there are only three things you have to worry about: dropping cliffs, tailgunning/barely hanging on while straightlining and skiing backwards on groomers. Don't worry about your competence level when you skis are on the snow/pointing forward/turning.
post #11 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jer View Post
-attend many safety meetings. You can never be too safe.

Safety meetings are key!
post #12 of 25
Bro-Brah's drink only local micro beer.;-)
post #13 of 25
What's wrong with the Grateful Dead?

It's all about Widespread Panic now anyway.
post #14 of 25
Yeah, except the Dead were actually good, as opposed to WSP.
post #15 of 25
Thread Starter 
They both suck. Unlike this thread which, like, totally rocks the *#$&ing' hizzouse, bro!
post #16 of 25
Ski Squads on hardpacked mornings.
Ski Bros on three inches of first snowfall in October.
Drive up with your dog in the back and tie him to the bumper while you ski.
Drink a few beers and choke down a blunt in the parking lot in front of small children and their gaper parents.
post #17 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GarryZ View Post
Drink a few beers and choke down a blunt in the parking lot in front of small children and their gaper parents.
F*#$in' sick, bro!

I can't, like, f*#@in' wait 'til m#@*&^$%^&in' November!!
post #18 of 25
Talk loudly about your plans to travel ELSEWHERE and "bag some lines." Go there and bag a tourist route. Take plenty of pictures and video, the better to post on the internet and provide the tens of viewers with the dark frisson of seeing a complete disregard for safe travel protocol. Gettin' after it, brah!

***

On a semi-serious note, the bro-brahs are getting, uh, older, and we are now sort of entering a post-brah period, neo-brah-lessness if you will. On the snow one manifestation of this may be more outward nods to grace and beauty, including pairs park runs. That will be some dank ch*t, brah.
post #19 of 25
Drink Pabst, decorate with Pabst stickers

Get drunk, walk around wearing snowblades

Spend more nights passed out in employee housing than in your crappy condo down valley

Have hookups everywhere in town for free tunes, beer, and pizza; but not sex. Lament daily about it.

Laugh when your buddy who does have a girlfriend has to move to The City.
post #20 of 25
Spend all of your non skiing time just hangin.
Become an expert at hackey sac.
Perfect the art of being a mooch.
post #21 of 25
If you break your wrist (radius) at 2:30, but keep skiing until the lifts close, is that gaper or Bro-bra?
post #22 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost View Post
If you break your wrist (radius) at 2:30, but keep skiing until the lifts close, is that gaper or Bro-bra?
That depends. Did he keep skiing because he didn't want to miss any powder or because he wanted to get full value out of his ridiculously expensive lift ticket? Did he wrap it in duct tape?



Go to the resort on a powder day to film some vid for a sponsorship campaign. Have your buddy spend 5 minutes setting up to film you skiing an untracked slope only to have some longhaired a-hole snake your line just before you drop in.
post #23 of 25
I just wanted to spend the afternoon skiing instead of waiting in an emergency room. It wasn't a compound fracture, so duck tape was not required.
post #24 of 25
Have a ridiculous amount of ski/outdoor/enviormental stickers on your ride.
bro brah shred the gnar
post #25 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by slider View Post
Have a ridiculous amount of ski/outdoor/enviormental stickers on your ride.
...and don't forget the dancing bears.
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