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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries,
a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told
her preacher she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure
my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief"

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.