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# Murphy's Laws

I'm sure most of you have seen some of these before.

But some of these are sooooooo true:

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Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.

O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.

Goldberg's Commentary: O'Toole was an optimist.

Kohn's Corollary: Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Nagler's Comment on Origins: Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name.

Mathematical Addendum: In precise mathematical terms, 1 + 1 = 2, where "=" is a symbol meaning "seldom, if ever."

Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Dude's Law Duality: Of two possible events, only the undesirable one will occur.

The Parouzzi Principle: Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.

Murphy's Law of Government: If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.

Maah's Law: Things go right just so they can go wrong.

Ken's Law: A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.

Smith's Law: No real problem has a solution.

Holten's Homile: The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

Kim's Rule of Committees: If an hour has been spent amending a sentence, someone will move to delete the paragraph.

Sweeney's Law: The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the amount of progress.

Third Law of Committee Dynamics: Those most opposed to serving on a committee are made chairmen.

Finnigan's Law: The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

Lowe's Law: Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

DeNever's Law of Debate: Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Wright's First Law: Quality is inversely proportional to the time left for completion of the project.

Edwards' Time/Effort Law: Effort X Time = Constant
A. Given a large initial time to do something, the initial effort will be small.
B. As time goes to zero, effort goes to infinity.
Corollary: If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Willoughby's Law: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

The Basic Law of Construction: Cut it large and kick it into place.

Bitton's Postulate of State-of-the-art Electronics: If you understand it, it's obsolete.

Rudnicki's Rule: That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction: If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them.

Tenenbaum's Law of Replicability: The most interesting results happen only once.

Handy Guide To Modern Science:
If it's green and wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Cerf's Extension to The Handy Guide To Modern Science:
If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

Young's Commentary on The Scientific Method: You can't get here from there.

The Reliability Principle: The difference between the Laws of Nature and Murphy's Law is that with the Laws of Nature, you can count on things screwing up the same way every time.

Meredith's Law of Graduate School Survival: Never let your major professor know that you exist.

Vile's Law for Educators: No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Vile's Law of Grading Papers: All papers after the top are upside down or backwards, until you right the pile. Then the process repeats.

Seeger's Law: Anything in parentheses can be ignored.

Bogovich's Law: He who hesitates is probably right.

Shapiro's Law of Reward: The one who does the least work will get the most credit.

Tillis' Organization Principle: If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

Owen's Law for Secretaries: As soon as you sit down to a hot cup of coffee, the boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Drummond's Law of Personnel Recruiting: The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position has been filled.

Gluck's First Law: Whichever way you turn upon entering an elevator, the buttons will be on the opposite side.

Lynch's Law: The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.

Pinto's Law: Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Connor's Second Law: If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

Ringwald's Law of Household Geometry: Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.

O'Toole's Axiom: One child is not enough, but two children is far too many.

Diner's Dilemma: A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Theissen's Law of Gastronomy: The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the roll.

Bell's Theorem: When a body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Woodside's Grocery Principle: The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

Esther's Law: The fussiest person will be the one to get the chipped coffee cup, the glass with lipstick, or the hair in the food.

Pope's Law: Chipped dishes never break.

Horowitz's Law: Whenever you turn on the radio, you hear the last few notes of your favorite song.

Gerard's Law: When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

Vile's Law of Value: The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

Wagner's Law of Sports Coverage: When the camera isolates on a male athlete, he will spit, pick or scratch.

Dorr's Law of Athletics: In an otherwise empty locker room, any two individuals will have adjoining lockers.

Edd's Law of Radiology: The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body you are required to place on it.

Byrne's Law of Concreting: When you pour, it rains.

Fulton's Law of Gravity: The effort to catch a falling, breakable object will produce more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn how to swear until you learn to drive.

1. If you're running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
2. When you're waiting in a long line, the people behind you are shunted to a new, short line.
3. If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
4. If you're in a short line, the people in front of you let in their friends and relatives and make it a long line.
5. A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.
6. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

Howden's Law: You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.

Laws of Postal Delivery: Love letters, business contracts, and money you are due always arrive three weeks late. Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Rush's Rule of Gravity: When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby and all other coins will roll out of sight.

Livingston's Laws of Fat:
1. Fat expands to fill any apparel worn.
2. A fat person walks in the middle of the hall.
Corollary:
Two fat people will walk side by side, whether they know each other or not.

Zadra's Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Kierkegarrd's Observation: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Phillip's Law: Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Stache's School Bus Driver's rule:
Two Wrongs don't make a Right, ... But Three Lefts DO!!
Cole's Law - Finely shredded cabbage.
SOME OF MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them all... five or six at a time... on a hill... in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.

When you go to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Mechanic's axiom to Murphy's Law: If you drop a tool, it will roll to geometric center under the car.
Corollary: Unless there is a floor drain.

Jenning's corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The probability of the toast falling butter side down is proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Beach's Law: Identical parts aren't.

Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

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