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Oil Change

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $35.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $36.00

__________________________________________________ ______
Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00

Total -- $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!



post #2 of 15
Now there is got to be some wimmens that appreciate what we go through to give them a proper lifestyle. I for sure ain't too much to ask that you keep the house & feed the kids. But if you think you can change the oil better than me; well who am I to argue. See, us men is magnanamouse. If'in you want to do somethin, we ain't goin to get mad about it. Go ahead. Knock your self out. I'm thinkin there is a game on the TV that needs watched, or a drink that needs drunk. I do believe it only makes sense for you to change the oil honey
post #3 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cirquerider
Now there is got to be some wimmens that appreciate what we go through to give them a proper lifestyle. I for sure ain't too much to ask that you keep the house & feed the kids. But if you think you can change the oil better than me; well who am I to argue. See, us men is magnanamouse. If'in you want to do somethin, we ain't goin to get mad about it. Go ahead. Knock your self out. I'm thinkin there is a game on the TV that needs watched, or a drink that needs drunk. I do believe it only makes sense for you to change the oil honey
And get me a beer outa da fridge before you go out. Thanks honey.You're the best
post #4 of 15
#15- Been there, done that.
post #5 of 15
While the minivan gets the home treatment (and takes less than 30 minutes from start to finish), the ski mobile (a.k.a. pick-um-up-truck) beats even your women's instructions:

Buy a vehicle that comes with free lifetime oil changes from the dealer

Time: 30 minutes
Cost: $0 (I don't drink coffee)

My only problem is that I bought the damn thing near my old office, so now it's a 20 minute drive to get to the dealer!:
post #6 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by tief schnee
#15- Been there, done that.
I had a reason, one time, to go out and get one of those Sears "strap wrench" things. Great invention!!! Makes a great oil filter wrench too.
post #7 of 15
This is so whack

3,4,7 to17 25,26

Now you got me saying it
post #8 of 15
Change the oil?
post #9 of 15
Thread Starter 
Oil, Weems, you know.....that black stuff that drips out of your car onto the driveway?
post #10 of 15
Damn. I thought that was coffee. No wonder it tastes so bad.
post #11 of 15
Not directed at anyone in particular...


Excuse me, miss, mind if I put my dipstick in and check your oil?
post #12 of 15
go to Jiffy Lube
they say fifteen things need doing...lcost $150
they don't do any of them but charge for all
car fails on freeway far from anywhere
post #13 of 15
Did we already do this one? A blond clunks her Mercedes into the garage, and asked them to fix it. The mechanic has it done in about fifteen minutes. She says, "What's the story?" He says, "Aw, just crap in the carburator?" She says, "How often?"
post #14 of 15
Thread Starter 
On a good note, not all chains are rotten.

I took my car to Midas to have the heat shield over the muffler tightened. It was flapping and making noise. I knew what it was cause we looked at it and found it online. I didn't want to buy a new one at the Saturn dealer for $185 or some ridiculous amount, and all of our tools are packed (ARGH!!!!).

So I goes into the Midas store, makes me an appointment, goes back, the guy looks at it, brings me out and says, well, you need a new one (and I DID.......the screws had ripped out of the metal in about 4 places!), but if you want we can just put some screws with washers on em for you.

I said, Do it.

10 minutes later, I'm ready to go. How much, I ask? Guy says........NO CHARGE. Wow.

I drive off, no more flappin and a bangin. Cooooell!!!
post #15 of 15
I had good luck with Midas too. About a month ago I picked up a nail in my tire while out of town at a ski patrol class. It was Saturday and I discovered it at 11:50. Midas was only open until noon, but I couldn't get there until the tire was inflated enough to drive the 6 miles. One of the instructors called Midas and told them I would be there while another got the air compressor and inflated the tire. By time I got there through the traffic (and getting lost in Marlborough, MA) it was 12:15. They were there waiting for me. They repaired the tire and checked all of my other tires. When all was said and done I asked the guy how much...he said, on the house. I gave the kid who did the work a tip and told him to get lunch.
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