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Quantas Airlines

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
This may be an oldie, but it's making the email rounds and landing in my email box. Still pretty good

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet, "which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a (P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And, the best one for last.............

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
post #2 of 14
An oldie all right. I always wonder why the spelling and some words used are American rather than Australian though. Most puzzling. (eg "tire", bugs, windshield).
post #3 of 14
Not to mention why the name of the airline is spelled wrong. :

And that a denizen of Oz didn't pick that up.
post #4 of 14
Additionally, there have been 42 deaths on their aircraft. Not jets but on props.
post #5 of 14
Heart attacks from laughing at these insanely "funny" "jokes"?
post #6 of 14
I've been reading that list for at least fifteen years .... and it's still funny.
post #7 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuki
I've been reading that list for at least fifteen years ...

Have I really been posting here that long?
post #8 of 14
It's been transferred to American English, ant. We'd all be scratching our heads if 'windscreen' were used!
post #9 of 14
So Fox is claiming to be the source of the list as well as having an alias ..."Tag" ... ???

It may not have been fifteen .... who is counting ... but it has been published on flying sites for quite some time.

Fox .... his .... "other sister" .... is from Oz ????
post #10 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuki
Fox .... his .... "other sister" .... is from Oz ????
No, but I've been down under a few times...
post #11 of 14
I'm actually a private pilot and know a thing, or two, about the biz.

I realize this is a joke, but there's a few issues w/the whole "pilots need a degree, but mechanics don't (not exactly as you put it, but the same meaning)" statement.

First of all, it's not necessary to hold any kind of degree to be a commercially, or ATP, rated pilot. For a commercial rating you only need 150 hours of flight time. For an ATP (Airline Transport Pilot) rating you need 2500 hours. This is usually takes abut two years to complete and almost all schools that train ATP pilots are also accredited colleges, therefore issuing associates degrees.

There's basically two kinds of airplane "mechanics". They are called A&P, and A&PI, respectively. An A&P is a "airframe and powerplant" mechanic and the A&PI is a "airframe and powerplant inspector". The A&P cert takes about two years of college course work, w/most A&PI's having at least an associates, so in essence both pilot and "mechanic" have the same amount of education.
post #12 of 14
Where did the need for a degree come up. It was not an issue in this post?

Many of the majors were looking for a degree in engineering or related fields for quite some time and in the military in order to fly anything above rotary wing or a Bird Dog .... you needed a degree for "O" status. Most of the rotary wing and spotter boys were Warrant Officers (sans degree)

Yuki was AMS/H and flew after the military.

Without attending Embry in FL, or another related av degree school, your chance of making it to the left seat of a major in some real equipment without a degree was slim to none. How many guys out of high school did the CFI to Commercial to ATP and did anything with it?
post #13 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuki
Where did the need for a degree come up. It was not an issue in this post?

Many of the majors were looking for a degree in engineering or related fields for quite some time and in the military in order to fly anything above rotary wing or a Bird Dog .... you needed a degree for "O" status. Most of the rotary wing and spotter boys were Warrant Officers (sans degree)

Yuki was AMS/H and flew after the military.

Without attending Embry in FL, or another related av degree school, your chance of making it to the left seat of a major in some real equipment without a degree was slim to none. How many guys out of high school did the CFI to Commercial to ATP and did anything with it?
You are exactly correct (referring to the second part of your post). This is the main reason I've stayed private and not pursued the ATP route myself and won't consider flying as a means to feed the family.
Your chances of making it to left seat of a major even w/all the correct credentials and a degree is like landing a record contract w/a major record company...Next to impossible.

Now for the first part of your post...You are totally wrong. Read the intro to the joke. It clearly states, and I quote, "it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one".

And don't forget that Embry Riddle is also in AZ.
post #14 of 14
Agreed it was caged that way in the intro ... but still for the most part that was true.

The college boys flew em'.

We, the unwashed masses, got bleeding knuckles on a daily basis.

Lorenzo and the deregulation changed a lot of that and as you know, not always for the better.
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