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things that got yuki in trouble ..

post #1 of 51
Thread Starter 
The following is a list of things that I may or may not have done at line-up or in ski school meetings:

Feel free to add you own as inspired ...

#1 It is not acceptable to pass around bubble gum at line up when the wind is over 10 mph. I am sorry that the line boss had to shave his beard.

#2 It is not acceptable, nor is it in the PSIA manual, that larger silicone implants can be a way to "get your weight forward".

#3 No matter how frustrating the group is, pulling a "hip flask" and taking a long pull is against "company policy".

#4 A "Nalgene Bottle" even if it is shatter proof is not an acceptable substitute for a flask.

#5 Reciting the opening lines of "Moby Dick" while brandishing a pole in a "harpoon like" fashion is not an appropriate way to "greet the class".

#6 While greeting a group of students from Ireland .. "After me lucky charms are ye? ... is not an acceptable greeting.

#7 Students from the UK are not to be called "wankers".

#8 Scrawling a message on the meeting board "Ossama, I meet ya' at 3 at the clock tower .. George and Dick" ... is not funny.

#9 I will not "cut and paste" the SSD's picture on the Homeland Security Wanted Posters and tape them up in the cafeteia.

Skippy may or may not approve of this but what the ....
post #2 of 51
Ah, memories of my teaching days:

- It is not acceptable to ski the non-designated run to the ski school meeting location on the mountain (especially if it has 1' of fresh new on it).

- It is not acceptable to skip mandatory ski school meetings.

- It is not acceptable to have a friend sign in for you at 8:00AM, then drag yourself to lesson assigments at 9:00AM.

- Under no circustances are you to fraternize with the lovely young coeds taking lessons from you.

- It is not acceptable to salute the Ski School Director in a Heil Hitler style.

- It is not acceptable to switch out fellow instructor's boots with re-entry style anbd hide the reals ones for several days.

Brings back good memories.

post #3 of 51
Being from the DC area, and the amount of "guests" we get from other parts of the world, asking "okay, who is from a middle eastern country which is covered in sand and the temperature never gets below 90F?", then taking the group that does NOT raise their hands.

Did you read my post on the thread about "tricks to do with your friends while standing around", and my line-up trick called a "binding check"? That one's sure to get you sent to the principal's office.
post #4 of 51
I've been requested, so for those who missed the original, I'll explain the "binding check" again.

First note: This requires a conspiracy, so you'll need 1-3 other people to be in on it with you. Preferably, two of which are tall, strong people.

Pick a victim, preferably a shorter, lightweight victim.
  • Start a conversation with Victim, standing beside him or her.
  • One of your conspirators needs to "happen" to be standing on the other side of Victim, slightly forward or aft, and get their ski up against Victim's ski
  • At an appropriate time, push Victim to the side, so that they fall to the ground away from you. Conspirator #1's ski, placed beside Victim's ski will keep them from being able to spread their feet for balance
  • The two tall, strong conspirators now grab the tips and tails of Victim's skis and hang Victim by their skis (similar to carrying a pig on a spit ).
  • For added effect, they can shake the victim and folks can gather any loose change or whatever else falls out of Victim's pockets.
  • If the conspirators who are holding the victim airborne (performing the binding check) are able, they could keep their skis on and ski around with the Victim upside down
  • Gently lower Victim (or drop on head if you really don't like the person)
  • Run like hell
post #5 of 51
Thread Starter 

pig on a spit ..

Toooooooooooooooo tempting!
post #6 of 51
Thread Starter 

a few more

#10 The use of sock puppets is not an approved PSIA instructional tool.

#11 Yuki may not attempt to recruit for, nor may he organize a militia at SS meetings.

#12 There are no hidden "mine fields" along the perimeter of the "Ski-Wee" area.
post #7 of 51
It is unacceptable to poach the Fun Zone while in uniform.

There will be no skiing backwards on the rope tow.

Ski Porn is not allowed in ski school lockers.

Feeding beer to the lodge mascot will not be tolerated.

Riding any lifts while undressed is cause for termination. (unless female)
post #8 of 51
Wearing a name badge that says "Sofa King Cool".
post #9 of 51
Some of these are me, others were witnessed (unfortunately)

It does not look very professional in line-up to take off skis and try spinning on the toe peices (especially when you fall over).

Tipping people over, or attempting to when they are streaching in line-up is not a good thing.

Never make fun of people's rank boots, especially before a meeting. (It's very easy to ski hard, work up a sweat and then show up for a meeting early and de-boot, filling the room with a lovely odor of feet)

If wearing a union-suit to a meeting, make sure all the flaps are closed so no unexpected visitor's make an appearance during the meeting.
post #10 of 51
A couple of no-no's...

- Having one of your racers find out think his mom's a MILF

- Spilling food or drink on the head coach

- Bursting a neon light cover dangerously full of leaked toilet water from the hotel room above onto the head coach and his lunch (this wasn't me)

- Coming the work they day after initiation and having to wander off to the woods to dry heeve and have your fellow coaches cover for you. "Where's Daniel?" "He's peeing." "That's a funny way to pee..."
post #11 of 51
After a hard night of drinking, stopping in the middle of your level 1 lesson and asking the students to wait a minute while you go throw up on the side of the trail
post #12 of 51
Originally Posted by JohnH
Being from the DC area, and the amount of "guests" we get from other parts of the world, asking "okay, who is from a middle eastern country which is covered in sand and the temperature never gets below 90F?", then taking the group that does NOT raise their hands.
Now THAT'S funny. I feel your pain on that one, although I'd pick a country a little further N and E, but I digress....

A few more...

Breaking the SSD's window with a snowball hurled at one of your buddies (not me...)

Hiding your chromaticlly colored hair under your hat for a week, til you get busted at the bar by your SSD. (me)

Biffing in a mud puddle in your newly issued Ski School Uniform (not me)

Pulling the rug out from under your best buddy on ski school, by making out with the "cute new girl" right after he asks her out. (It worked out ok, becase I married the "cute new girl", and my buddy was still one of my groomsmen....)

post #13 of 51
These are great! I can't betray my favourites, as someone might read them and catch me at it. You can do anything, unless you get caught.
post #14 of 51
Thread Starter 
#13 My PSIA pin is not a real badge. It does not "empower" me to conduct strip or "cavity" searches at any time.

#14 Even when asked, I must not tell the class that the reason my helmet has been wrapped in tin foil is to block out the space mind control lasers.

#15 The lift attendents who check tickets are not to be called "Imperial Storm Troopers"

#16 My PSIA pin does not grant me the authority, while on the mountain, to perform marriage ceremonies.

#17 Same for the bar when it's time for a divorce.

#18 Just because Yuki was getting bored with bras and panties, that did not authorize him to start his own "road kill tree".
post #15 of 51
Originally Posted by ant
These are great! I can't betray my favourites, as someone might read them and catch me at it. You can do anything, unless you get caught.
If any of you want to contribute anonymously, send me a PM with them. I'll post them for you over the next few weeks.
post #16 of 51
I'm trying to think of ones I don't do any more...!
post #17 of 51
Things I would never do while in uniform:

Use the terrain in the learning zone for jumps

Jump over the magic carpet in the fun zone (A friend of mine did this while classes were in session. The supervisor was not amused, although everyone else was.)

Attempt a 180 on slalom boards while clinicing a new instructor (it turns out that 156 cm slalom skis aren't very stable when it comes to riding switch).

Teach my students how to use their skis to flip snow at other students.

Tell little kids that alligators live in the snowmaking ponds (This is so popular that the children's area supervisors regularly get asked by parents if in fact alligators do live in the ponds. The supervisor typically responds by saying "what do you think the barbed wire fence is for?".)
post #18 of 51
Thread Starter 
#19 Yuki will "cease and desist" from sprinkling trails with nuts, berries and/or other "bait" .. even if he does "eat what he kills".

#20 Our used snowmaking equipment did not come from "The United States Department of Defense Biological Weapons Laboratory" surplus stockpile. I don't know where the stickers to that effect came from.

#21 I am not authorized by "The Mountain" to sell mineral rights when I give the students discount coupons at the end of a lesson.

#22 The "Lost Dutchman Mine" is not in Pennsylvania. I did not put up signs to that effect on the lift towers. It may have been the sock puppets that live in my locker or the "Evil Clowns" that live in the woods. But I will take them down.
post #19 of 51
funny stuff. thanks. nice to laugh.
post #20 of 51
Thread Starter 

never encourage a fool!

#23 I am not allowed to brandish or otherwise display a crucifix to ward off the SSD or "senior staff". It is not a violation of my right to "religious freedom".

#24 The sale of .. "Yuki's Magic Tie-Dye" .. a formula for Gore-Tex is not permitted in the locker room .... even if it does work. I will have to buy an new uniform jacket.

#25 I will remove the bayonet mount from my ski pole. I didn't have the sharp pointy part anyway.
post #21 of 51
I wish you worked where I do, Yuki. I love practical jokes. You're giving me new ideas.
post #22 of 51
Have you tried bringing back all of your students instead of leaving them to die in the woods?
Also, stop talking to your parole officer during a lesson.
post #23 of 51
Thread Starter 
The parole date has not yet been established. The "corrections officers" .... shhhhhh, don't call them "guards"; it makes them mad as the Evil Clown that now lives under my bunk, are pretty nice. They are much nicer than the SSD and most of them even have their very own hair.

The nozzles on the fire brigade trucks here, when placed in the fog position can actually lay down some snow. Grooming is going to be a problem because they won't give me the keys to anything.
post #24 of 51
yukes - i swear i couldn't shake this list from my mind all day, yesterday.
fragin hilarious
post #25 of 51
Thread Starter 

With all due respect!

The origins of the list are from a "Specialist Schwartz" who served with the Army ... his nickname was "Skippy" and it pops up now and again on a few military web sites.

Many of the things on his list when twisted a bit fit the world of the instructor so well that this begged to be done.

Oddly enough, my "real" nickname is/was "Skippy" but I assure you that I am not indeed the "real" Skippy.

I hope you enjoyed it.

There was some "irony" in many of the situations .. Yuki was actually "busted" for use of "sensitive bio-hazard" stickers to keep people out of "my home and lab" in a remote forested area. The stickers worked quite well and stopped intrusion and vandalism. Oddly enough I would become "intimately" invloved in some of those vary "issues" later in life. At that time (40 years ago), the Sierra Club and a few other "governmental entities" ..... I was always in trouble, but it was so much fun.
post #26 of 51
post #27 of 51
How about ripping a BIG hole in the arm of your ski school uniform skiing in the trees! That's what I did today....

post #28 of 51


am still laughing about the "Road kill tree" - as steamboat does have a panty tree (which in these PC times we are supposed to call a mardi gras tree - which does NOT explain the panties, unless of course, it was a VERY lucky mardi gras for many people..) but the road kill thing is excellent!

also love the groomers from the biological defense program...will start that rumor here...

Does yuki explain to his classes that many dangerous forms of wildlife live on the mountain and to remain safe they must remain on GREEN trails at all times and never ever venture off in to untracked powder?
Or does he tell new skiers that they need their binding oil checked to make sure their levels are full and the bindings are operational?
post #29 of 51
Thread Starter 


#26 "Magic Beans" and a clove of garlic when worn around the neck in a goatskin sack are guaranteed to ward off attacks by Grizzly's. There has never been a documented Grizzly attack on a ski trial in Pennsylvania. Despite the low cost for this "vital protection", now denied to my fellow instructors and students and despite the strong statistic as cited above as proof of effectiveness, Mountain Management has restricted the sale. Actually I think it was more the garlic and boot odor combination in the locker room that led to the "ban".

justanother ski pro:

#28 Regarding .... "leaving students to die in the woods", ... the NSP, SAM and "local mountain management" have are unified in the position that the filing of an incident report describing such events as ..... "an expression of the viability of the symbiotic relationship between the ski school and the patrol" .... as unacceptable .... as is the phrase .... "shit happens".

post #30 of 51
Thread Starter 
We have lots of new instructors here. Please add your own legend, lore and insanity.

It is the only way to survive ... keep em' coming!

JohnH does need to do a Yutube of his ....... pig on a spit .... John, that is one that will live forever if you can pull it off!
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