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With apologies to the French...

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows, they have
never tried it.

The French have just ordered a new national flag. It's a white cross on a white background.

Why did the French plant trees on the Champs Elysées? So the Germans
could march in the shade.

Where do you find 60 million French jokes? In France.

What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
squad? A Wonderbra has decent support - and a cup.

What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast? You can make
soldiers out of toast.

Define confusion. Father's Day in Paris.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop

What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
To say "I surrender" in German.

Why was Jesus not born in France? Because they couldn't find three wise
men or a virgin.

A British, American and French soldier were offered a wish each by a
genie after rubbing a lamp they found while training in the desert. The
British soldier said: "I want to be in the Bahamas with a 'Page 3'
girl." The American said: "I want to be in Hawaii with a hula dancer and a crate of beer."
After they were whisked off, the French soldier thought for a moment and said: "I wish the Brit and American were here to help me decide."

Jacques Chirac walked into a bar with a parrot on his head and the
landlord said: "How did that happen?" The parrot said: "It all started
as a little pimple on my bottom."

Why don't the French like the fireworks at Disneyland Paris? Because
every time they go off, people start trying to surrender.

Why do the French eat snails? It speeds up their reactions.

When East and West Germany got back together there were talks to
relocate the capital city back to Paris.

What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf? The
Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.

In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle - in the line of fire - to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ. The officer said: "I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your life to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?" said the soldier. "Sacré bleu! I thought you said whorehouses."
post #2 of 17
Why apologize for telling the truth??
post #3 of 17
For sale:
One rifle from the french army.
Never fired.
Only dropped once.
post #4 of 17
OK, I'll pile on...

You know why the French have wide boulevards lined with many mature trees???

Because the Germans like marching in the shade!!!

Shame on me!!!! Hit my knuckles with the ruler! Ouch!


(edit: OK, note to self... read ALL the existing jokes before you post your own)
post #5 of 17
The French are trying to negotiate with the Brits to obtain the Rock of Gibraltar. They are going to rename it and dedicate it to a great French military leader. It will be named the deGaulle Stone.
post #6 of 17
Ah, the only group that it is socially acceptable to make fun of.

(Now wait, weren't they right and us wrong about invading Iraq?)
post #7 of 17
Originally Posted by SkiMangoJazz
Ah, the only group that it is socially acceptable to make fun of.

(Now wait, weren't they right and us wrong about invading Iraq?)
Yes indeed.

I would note that so-called 'French jokes' are actually jokes that in Britain would have been traditionally reserved for the Italians. For example, the one about the Italian tank with six gears - one to go forward and five for reverse.

It is also perfectly acceptable to make jokes about the Welsh for some reason.

Furthermore, Khazakhstan jokes are supposedly acceptable. Though not to the country itself. Google 'Borat' or 'Ali G' for the background on that one.

I never heard the 'French jokes' until after they fell out with the neocons. There is probably some government department tasked with rewriting old jokes with an appropriate anti-French message.

US and Britain also differ on 'Irish jokes' - which are 'Polish jokes' in America.
Until recently, all the Poles I knew were Second world war veterans and absolutely solid citizens. Their offspring seemed to be better educated than the general UK population. Since the EU opened up, there has been a flood of younger Poles into the UK. They are also first class workers - a real asset who never seem to get into any bother. Having been to Krakow recently, I now have the highest regard for the Poles and all things Polish. I hope they don't get screwed like the Russians did. They seem to have a reasonably sensible government at the moment and no obvious dangers from oligarchs or non-Poles buying up their assets. I would even consider a trip to Zakopane although the skiing there is not supposed to be that good. I would also consider Lithuania worth a visit because of its Polish connections.

I am still a Francophile, but, in addition to worries about where their nuclear power stations are sited, you now have to look at locations of the 'banlieues'. I always that that translated as 'suburb'. Only recently did I hear it being used as code for what we would call 'sink estates' where all the problem families are lodged. I did not hear of any riots or car burning in Poitou Charentes or The Loire - but I do need to do a bit more research on that.

There never seem to be any jokes about countries that are an absolute waste of space (my opinion anyway) - like Somalia or Albania, Kosovo.

How on earth Albania produced a Mother Theresa is a complete mystery to me.

I have no desire to stop anyone making jokes, as they see fit.

It's more a case of :-

'Laugh ? I nearly did.' :
post #8 of 17
Don't forget that when in Canada you change the "Irish" or "Polish" or "Blonde" to "Newfie".
post #9 of 17
Originally Posted by Stache
Don't forget that when in Canada you change the "Irish" or "Polish" or "Blonde" to "Newfie".
When I was a kid, we hosted a Rotary exchange student from Sweden. She said instead of "polish" jokes, there they tell "Norweigan" jokes.

Everybody has their pet "targets"
post #10 of 17
Originally Posted by SkiMangoJazz
Ah, the only group that it is socially acceptable to make fun of.
Ah, always refreshing to see my father's ancestry, how shall I say?, so lovingly reviewed?!

The best part about being French is you can be rude and never have to explain a thing!

I spent some time in France this summer...say what you will about its people, but the country: beautiful!
post #11 of 17
What can you say about a country whose language translates the 'fishes and loaves' from the Bible into 'poisson and pain'?
post #12 of 17
Ah yes! The country ..... it would be wonderful place if you could just find something to do with all of those damned Frenchman!

My fondest memory of France was outside of Belforte .... I stopped about noon to ask directions from two of the finest in uniform. The police car was parked along a pleasant overlook and they gazed at the pastoral scene below.

It was a good thing that they weren't in the car cause they were so s_it faced they could barely stand! I mean freakin hammered!
post #13 of 17
While I'm all in favor of some good prejudiced jokes, I really resent the wonderbra / french WC squad one. You're really crossing the line with that one. It's just mean. What's next ? Kicking the man on the ground ?
post #14 of 17
Aw, cmon, philippeR......USA is still the top Butt of the Joke for now.
post #15 of 17
My favorite international story is the international definition of heaven and hell. I learned it from George Twardokens years ago.

Heaven is:
French cooking, German engineering, Swiss organization, English police, and Italian lovers.

Hell is:
English cooking, French engineering, Italian organization, German police, and Swiss lovers.
post #16 of 17
PhilippeR...I still remember some of the French jokes about the Belgians...

One involves...ahem, I'd better shut up.

Let me tell a little one about Italians
You know what M.A.F.I.A. means?
Mothers And Fathers (of) Italian Ancestry
post #17 of 17

Anniversary of the battle of Austerlitz

Napoleon had all Europe conquered while America was in its infancy.


Seems the French don't do jingoism or boastfulness about military history.

Paradoxically the wee man will be played by a Septic in the battle re-enactment
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