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Newsflash: Vail Buys Colorado!!!

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and pulled this clipping off the wall of my old bedroom. I think it came from Powder, but I honestly can't remember. It's obviously more than a few years old though -- note the reference to Snow Country! Without further adieu...

From the UTH Enquirer:

Vail Associates today announced that it is buying the entire state of Colorado “in order to better compete with Utah, California, and the rest of the world in general.”

“Utah has better snow, California better weather, and the European Alps are bigger,” said a spokesman, “but with our plan to turn the whole state of Colorado into one big ski resort and redesign the Front Ranger as a parking lot, we’ll be able to offer skiers, uh, more parking for their money.”

State officials approve of the sale, noting that the plan recognizes the need for government downsizing. “Vail’s ski patrol will take over state law enforcement duties, the ski school will handle education, and trail grooming crews will maintain state highways,” the official said.

According to preliminary plans, Denver would serve as the “main lodge” for the new resort, with other Front Range cities doing duty as “auxiliary hubs.” A Vail spokesman said some renovations would be required in those cities “to bring the housing up to the standards of our esteemed guests, such as the Sultan of Oman.” The plan calls for low-income residents and employees to be relocated to tent cities on the eastern plains of the state.

A new lift system consisting of several hundred new high-speed gondolas and “six-pack” chairlifts would connect Front Ranger cities with the mountains. The heated gondola cabins would whisk skiers to the slopes in a matter of hours, eliminating frustrating traffic jams along I-70. In fact, under the plan, I-70 would be closed to cars during the winter and used as “the world’s longest beginner trail.” This fits perfectly with Vail’s philosophy of ski runs as highways, and would certainly attract more current California skiers, who feel most at home on a freeway.

Additional plans call for the diversion of the state’s rivers into the new ski area. “Since agricultural land will now contain parking facilities, the water can be used for snowmaking,” the spokesman noted, adding that plans call for the entire foothill area to be covered with man-made snow by Halloween, substantially extending the season for snow enthusiasts.

When asked to comment on environmentalists’ concerns that the new mega-resort would impact wildlife habitat, officials said they’d provide subsidized luxury condos for any displaced elk or deer. “We realize wildlife is an integral part of the Colorado vacation experience, and we plan to ensure that the state’s native animals will continue to feel at home.”

All Colorado resorts will be redesigned to meet Vail’s strict standards. “Within five years, we hope to have all our terrain suitable for intermediate skiers,” said mountain manager Bill “Bulldozer” Flats. “Resorts that currently suffer from dangerous steeps, cliffs, trees, or other obstacles will be reconfigured,” said Flats. He specifically mentioned A-Basin, Crested Butte, and Telluride as “problem areas,” and when pressed, wouldn’t exclude the possible use of nuclear explosive devices to achieve his goals. “We’ll do whatever it takes,” he said.

Leading ski publications will also attempt to cash in on this “biggest deal ever in the world of skiing.” Ski, Skiing, and Snow Country have announced that they’ll turn their magazines into Vail/Colorado brochures, with only a few pages given over for the traditional car and liquor ads.
post #2 of 4
I remember hearing about that. I believe it was an April Fools article.
post #3 of 4
I think it was an article in the Aspen Daily News annual April Fools edition.
post #4 of 4
Thread Starter 

It may have appeared in local publications, but I definitely clipped it from a national publication -- the first time I was fortunate enough to visit Colorado was my freshmen year of college (I had the clipping on my wall in high school).

Now that you mention it though, I think I recall the same article appearing in the Green Mountain Times during ASC's heyday, with all the Colorado references changed to Vermont.
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