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When Girls Drink Too Much . . .

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
1. I Have Absolutely No Idea Where My Purse Is.

2. I Believe That Dancing With My Arms Overhead And Wiggling My Butt While Yelling "woo-hoo!" Is Truly The Sexiest Dance Move Around.

3. I've Suddenly Decided I Want To Kick Someone's Ass And Honestly Believe I Could Do It Too.

4. In My Last Trip To Pee, I Realize I Now Look More Like A Homeless Hooker Than The Goddess I Was Just Four Hours Ago.

5. I Drop My 3:00 A.m. Submarine Sandwich On The Floor (which I'm Eating Even Though I'm Not The Least Bit Hungry), Pick It Up And Carry On Eating It.

6. I Start Crying And Telling Everyone I See That I Love Them Sooooo Much.

7. I Get Extremely Excited And Jump Up And Down Every Time A New Song Plays Because "oh My God! I Love This Song!"

8. I've Found A Deeper/spiritual Side To The Geek Sitting Next To Me.

9. The Man I'm Flirting With Used To Be My 5th Grade Teacher.

10. The Urge To Take Off Articles Of Clothing, Stand On A Table And Sing Or Dance Becomes Strangely Overwhelming.

11. My Eyes Just Don't Seem To Want To Stay Open On Their Own So I Keep Them Half Closed And Think It Looks Exotically Sexy.

12. I've Suddenly Taken Up Smoking And Become Really Good At It.

13. I Yell At The Bartender, Who (i Think) Cheated Me By Giving Me Just Lemonade, But That's Just Because I Can No Longer Taste The Gin.

14. I Think I'm In Bed, But My Pillow Feels Strangely Like The Kitchen Floor.

15. I Start Every Conversation With A Booming, "don't Take This The Wrong Way But..."

16. I Fail To Notice That The Toilet Lid's Down When I Sit On It.

17. My Hugs Begin To Resemble Wrestling Take-down Moves.

18. I'm Tired So I Just Sit On The Floor (wherever I Happen To Be
Standing) And Take A Quick Nap.

19. I Begin Leaving The Buttons Open On My Button Fly Pants To Cutdown On The Time I'm In The Bathroom Away From My Drink.

20. I Take My Shoes Off Because I Believe It's Their Fault That I'm Having Problems Walking Straight.
post #2 of 24
This sounds kinda like a song I heard on the radio yesterday...

"Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off"
post #3 of 24
I think #5 is not a drinking issue.
post #4 of 24

When Guys Drink Too Much

Yes it is safe to open the file
Actually opening 9 real coronas well, you'll see.

: 9 Coronas??? : :
post #5 of 24
Thread Starter 
I had 9 Coronas once. Then I went home and peed the bed. I'm serious.

I went out for the night and got hammered, as I was wont to do when I was younger. On this particular night, I was feeling rather mischevious, and you know how youth can be. I like to experience 'different things'.

I was buying a new bed the next morning, and looking forward to it. I'd been sleeping on this old POS for about 3 years, and it should have been tossed out 5 years before that. So.......

I tumbled into the spinning bed about 3 am, had to pee, said "WTF", let er rip, got up, showered (which sobered me up some), and drug the mattress out the back door and slept on the floor.

Such satisfaction comes rarely these days. I would advise you try it at least once. No wonder babies coo and laugh!
post #6 of 24
Oh, you are *so* channelling my ex-girlfriend (pick any one of them).

21. I decide to flirt with a bunch of bikers and then drop their fancy boombox in the river. (that's a specific lady - long-lost - thank heavens!)
post #7 of 24
The first time I got really drunk I got into a bar fight, which explains why I rarely allow myself to get too drunk!:

One of these days I'll have to tell that story!
post #8 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisamarie
The first time I got really drunk I got into a bar fight, which explains why I rarely allow myself to get too drunk!:

One of these days I'll have to tell that story!
Tell it! Tell it!
post #9 of 24
Thread Starter 
If I can tell the world about whizzing in the mattress, you can talk about a silly Bar Fight. Cmon........you've been taunting us for at least 4 years.....tell it!!
post #10 of 24

Lisa's First and Only Bar Fight

Oh, alright......

Flashback

In the early 1980s in New York City, the Upper West became a hip {perhaps too hip} place to live. On the corner of 77th St. and Broadway, there was a bar called Shelter. For awhile, it was mostly a "local" hangout that occasionally attracted celebrities like Kevin Kline etc. When the West Side got "discovered," the small local bar turned into a "scene."

I did not drink at all in those days, but I hung out at Shelter for two reasons:

They had a great jukebox that played 1940s music.

I was having a flirtation with the bartender, an incredibly sexy Italian American guy who played piano when he was not tending bar.

I used to dress in vintage 1940s clothing and wear my hair like Lauren Bacall's. I'd rarely speak to anyone except the bartender, who would not allow any of the guys to hit on me.

On the night in question, my throat was feeling a bit dry, so my bartender friend suggested that I have a Courvoisier instead of my usual Perrier. Needless to say, it "went to my head."

Later that evening, the hords came in. Our usual excellent music was substituted by the current popular garbage. Some idiot played Donna Summer's On the Radio. :
To this day, that song has a sort of Singing in the Rain, Clockwork Orange effect on me.:

Back to my story. I'm sitting there being a vamp and minding my own business, when suddenly I feel someone's hip butting up against me. This huge blond with a Texas accent is singing this horrific song as loud as possible, and shaking her enormous hips so vigorously that I thought she was about to cause the first East Coast earthquake!

She was also flirting with my bartender while she was doing this, which did not sit well with me one bit!:

I decided to greet each sway of her hips with a poke from my elbow. I was seriously into weight training at the time, so those pokes, even under the influence of more alcohol, were pretty powerful.

Suddenly, she gives the bartender a pouty Dolly Parton look and says in her Texas drawl:

"Somebody keeps hitting me!"

To which I replied:

"Perhaps if you stopped shaking your fat a$$ all over the place it would not get hit."

I don't recall how she replied, but somehow her response prompted me to say: "Why don't we step outside and talk about this!"

For those of you unfamiliar with bar culture, "step outside" never means talk!

Given that I was raised in a neighborhood where the boys did the fighting for us, and I had never even slapped anyone in my entire life, I'm not sure why I thought that I could have my first physical fight the first time I was ever drunk!

My bartender friend and the other guys must have sensed this, because a few of them got me off my seat and promptly took me for a walk around the block. When I came back in, everyone applauded me. I'm still not sure why.:

Yet the funnier part of the story comes in the Epilogue:

A few months later, I'm back at Shelter. From the next stall in the Ladies Room, a woman asks if I would be so kind as to hand over some paper, and I cheerfully oblige. We get out of the stalls and start chatting. She says:

"You know, you are really nice. The last time I was here, this crazy girl started a fight with me!"

Suddenly, I recognize the Texas accent. The tears start to fall from my eyes.

"Why what's the matter sweetie?" she asks.

"I'm the one you had that fight with." I reply with shame.

She screams out: "JESUS WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN!"

We head upstairs and sit down next to each other. The bartender starts looking very uneasy, wondering what kind of trouble we are about to start. Making it even more bizarre, remember I told you that Shelter was sometimes frequented by "celebrities?"

Don Rickles was sitting next to us!

She says in a very loud voice: "JESUS HAS SHOWED US A MIRACLE TONIGHT! This girl, who was once my enemy, was kind enough to hand over paper through the stalls in my moment of need. This just shows that God has put us on this earth to love one another!"

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
post #11 of 24
Wow! Hilarious and bizarre. Great story!

If you submitted this to, say, Readers Digest as an tale of inspiration, they'd probably give it an inspirational title like:

"Jesus saved my a$$"
or
"Praise the Lord and pass the toilet paper"
post #12 of 24
I guess Jesus is into chick fights too!!!!
post #13 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gnarlito
"Praise the Lord and pass the toilet paper"

ROFL!!
post #14 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gnarlito
"Praise the Lord and pass the toilet paper"
That is too funny.

...and thanks, LM, for sharing that.

You coulda taken her.
post #15 of 24
I have a self-imposed two-drink limit.

Any bar fights in my dim and distant past involve drinking so much I can't really be sure if they happened or if I dreamt them. It's not something I'm proud of. One in particular stands out. All I know for sure is there are a few bouncers who did indeed spent serious time in hospital, and one a few months before they could work out again, and a bar I won't be going back to. I had no cuts or bruizes, but one hell of a hangover. I used to hate seeing bouncers picking on some poor drunk to build their rep. I also saw one or two too many Charles Bronson movies, and I'm nothing to look at.

My lawyer has advised me to clam up, so I'll say no more.
post #16 of 24
OK how about the sequel LM? - what about the part where you become friends with your married bartender's wife? :
post #17 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisamarie
I did not drink at all in those days . . .
Since when?
post #18 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by oboe
Since when?
Luckily for me she had started by the time I met her.
post #19 of 24
You did not need to get me drunk, darling.....
post #20 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkXS
Luckily for me she had started by the time I met her.
What about all those Cosmopolitans (the drinks, not the persons) I've seen her consume since AFTER becoming yours?
post #21 of 24

another kind of ski "tip"

Great writing style LM!

back to ....

Learned this is the Navy if you get the "spins" (Bonni, take note) ...

Use the "foot on the wall and foot on the floor rule" ...

Lie down, one foot on the floor and the other on the wall (the footbaord willl do) .... USUALLY will stop the spinning.
post #22 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by oboe
What about all those Cosmopolitans (the drinks, not the persons) I've seen her consume since AFTER becoming yours?
Obviously I've driven her to drink. I seem to have that effect...
post #23 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkXS
Obviously I've driven her to drink. I seem to have that effect...
So, are you the "designated driver"?
post #24 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yuki
Great writing style LM!
Why thank-you! Between Frau's belly dance comment and this thread, you guys have started the wheels turning. I've spent the entire day writing memories of the pre-yuppie days on the Upper West Side. Those were the days!......Although Summit County has its own stories!:
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