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Spoken like a true golfer.

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE, then...................."Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"
post #2 of 7
How 'bout another golfing joke, told to me by a bowling teamate"

A foursome is about to tee off when a funeral procession goes down the street. When it does the old man about to tee off stops and removes his hat, placing it over his heart. Once the procession is past, he addresses the ball again.

His companions say, "that was really polite, stopping like that."

The old duffer replies, "Well, we were married for 29 years, I need to show a little respect"
post #3 of 7
post #4 of 7


God and Saint Peter go out to play a round.

St, Pete hits a pretty good shot that lands on the fairway.

God tees up and hits the ball, a wicked slice into the trees.

A squirel emerges from the brush, ball in his mouth.

The rodent is snagged by an eagle who then spirals higher and higher towards the clouds.

A sudden clap of thunder and a flash of lightning hits the eagle, dropping the squirel onto the green ...... and the ball rolls into the cup!

Saint Peter looks at God and in disgust says .......

"Are you gonna' play golf, or are you gonna' fu_k around?"

post #5 of 7
And then there's this really old golf joke:

Jesus and Moses are playing golf together and they come to a par-3 hole, 165 yards over a pond. Moses pulls out his five-wood, strikes the ball nicely and drops it on the green.

Jesus tees the ball up and takes out his 7-iron.

Moses says, "Whadda you think you're doing? You can't hit a 7-iron 165 yards!"

"Arnold Palmer would hit a 7-iron" Jesus says. "That's what I'm hitting."

Sure enough, Jesus hits it in the water about 20 yards short of the green. Moses sighs, parts the waters, walks out and retrieves Jesus' ball.

As Jesus tees up again, Moses tells Jesus again that he can't hit a 7-iron 165 yards and under no circumstances is Moses going to go retrieve the ball again.

Jesus is undeterred. "Arnold Palmer would hit a 7-iron. I'm hitting a 7-iron."

Sure enough. Plunk. Twenty yards short.

Moses says, "I told you I'm not going after it. Get it yourself."

So, Jesus walks out on the water to get his ball.

By this time, the group behind has come up to the tee box and sees this golfer walking on the water.

One of the dumbfounded foursome walks over and says to Moses, "Holy cow! Who does that guy think he is... Jesus Christ?!?"

"No," says Moses. "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
post #6 of 7

The hitman

and another....

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a iving?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply "You're joking!" was the response "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
post #7 of 7
good one laddie.
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