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Why Women Are Crabby

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
From my wife CarolA

We started to "bud" into our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find out that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears.

Then came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time, which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day, making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we had swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the OB and hubby square in the face for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then... come their teen years. Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday and is now all but null and void.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake:
Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little... but not too hard or they may pee their panties.

The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated,
Forgetful and Psycho
post #2 of 26
I don't know, Bill, but it sounds like your wife has issues. One needs to get past the setter/pointer dichotomy and get down to bird hunting.
post #3 of 26
Tell her to be quite and fetch you a beer.
post #4 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by nolo
I don't know, Bill, but it sounds like your wife has issues.
She's better now.

Quote:
One needs to get past the setter/pointer dichotomy and get down to bird hunting.
The thought of having guns (bird hunting or Bill hunting?) around the house is a little unsettling though. :
post #5 of 26
Leave your guns in your pickup rack, Bill, like all the Montana guys do.
post #6 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by nolo
Leave your guns in your pickup rack, Bill, like all the Montana guys do.
That might draw an interesting reaction from the NJ State Troopers.
And I don't hunt so I have no need for guns. I prefer to shoot things with my camera.

Carol and I did go on a food gathering expedition yesterday, to the local food emporium. I felt quite manly standing over the meat counter.

My late Father-in-law was a gentle man farmer, decided he was a gonna raise Black Angus. I learnt all about castrating the bull calves, birthin the calves, gathering hay, mucking out the barn, movin the "herd" (git along little doggie) twas a great experience.
post #7 of 26
We don't shoot anything other than cameras either, Bill. I drive an Outback with a luggage rack.
post #8 of 26
I likes killin. Killin gits ya good eats......roasts, steaks, chops........mmmmmmmmmmmgood!
post #9 of 26
Reminds me of a great episode of "Northern Lights". Maggie (the bush pilot), is being chewed out by her sister for not living up to her potential by joining the military.

"I spend a week having my period"

"I spend a week getting over it"

"I have one normal week ,then a week getting ready for it"

"And you want ME behind the stick with a 50mm cannon?"
post #10 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by nolo
We don't shoot anything other than cameras either, Bill. I drive an Outback with a luggage rack.
Don't think I'd shoot a camera. Awful small and there ain't no meat.
post #11 of 26
Thread Starter 
I have a big ole Ford F-250 pick-up, Joan, but no racks of any kind.
What are you taking pictures of?
post #12 of 26
Geez Bill,,, reading that suddenly gave me a better understanding and appreciation of the hell of womanhood. I feel overwhelming shame for my very fortune of being born a man, and for the carefree path through life I'm destine to walk. I shall live everyday hence forth in utter reverence of every woman I see. :

Nolo, an Outback? Somehow I had you pictured in a pickup with a nice rack. What a let down.

Bonni you gun toten carnivore you, I think I'm in love.
post #13 of 26
Thread Starter 
I'm guessing no one laughed at this one.

Tough crowd.

Main Entry: humor

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English humour, from Middle French humeur, from Medieval Latin & Latin; Medieval Latin humor, from Latin humor, umor moisture; akin to Old Norse vokr damp, Latin humEre to be moist, and perhaps to Greek hygros wet
1 a : a normal functioning bodily semifluid or fluid (as the blood or lymph) b : a secretion (as a hormone) that is an excitant of activity
2 a in medieval physiology : a fluid or juice of an animal or plant; specifically : one of the four fluids entering into the constitution of the body and determining by their relative proportions a person's health and temperament b : characteristic or habitual disposition or bent : TEMPERAMENT <of cheerful humor> c : an often temporary state of mind imposed especially by circumstances <was in no humor to listen> d : a sudden, unpredictable, or unreasoning inclination : WHIM <the uncertain humors of nature>
3 a : that quality which appeals to a sense of the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous b : the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous c : something that is or is designed to be comical or amusing
synonym see WIT
- out of humor : out of sorts
post #14 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick

Bonni you gun toten carnivore you, I think I'm in love.
Watch it, buster, she's taken!
post #15 of 26
Thread Starter 

Headache

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
post #16 of 26
Thread Starter 

Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"
post #17 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by skier_j
Watch it, buster, she's taken!
At a boy J !! Nice to see a little testosterone show up around here.

Ya got a good man there Bonni. he says as he rides off into the sunset.
post #18 of 26
Thread Starter 

Trade Talks

One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''

The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'''
post #19 of 26
Thread Starter 

Mr. Macho

A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: ''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''

His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not.''

A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: ''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''

His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not.''
post #20 of 26
Thread Starter 

Men's English

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

and FINALLY... (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let's go home!
post #21 of 26
Thread Starter 
BTW, my wife did not write the first post, it was in an email she recieved and she did forward it to me.
*Disclaimer*
All of the stuff I post here is ripped off from "Humor" sites on the net. None of it is a reflection of how I feel about you, your pig, or your politics. If you don't like it don't read it.
Have a nice day
post #22 of 26
Thread Starter 
And one more thing. Don't insult my wife, or she'll hunt you down and cut your you know what's off. You've been warned!
Have a nice day!
post #23 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rick
At a boy J !! Nice to see a little testosterone show up around here.

Ya got a good man there Bonni. he says as he rides off into the sunset.
I know I do. He puts up with me! He's the BEST!:
BillA, your jokes are the best on this site, no matter where they come from. Keep em coming. Fook the rest of em who can't take a joke!
post #24 of 26
Quote:
Nolo, an Outback? Somehow I had you pictured in a pickup with a nice rack. What a let down.
It's a nice rack, anyway. Not to disappoint you: I could drive a pickup but why would I want to guzzle gas? The Sube gets its best mileage at 80 MPH and Montana is a big state. I put 30K on the car every year just doing my thing.
post #25 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bonni
BillA, your jokes are the best on this site, no matter where they come from. Keep em coming. Fook the rest of em who can't take a joke!
Thank you Bonnie Bonni.

I only steal the best
post #26 of 26
You're welcome BILLY BillA
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