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Oh Well Here They Go! 10 Really Bad Ones

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
I know I'm going to get shot for posting these. However, I can't help myself. MOMMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger".

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says"Dam".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. Because he said, I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was hurting his business. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them smile. No pun in ten did !
post #2 of 7
shame on you...:-)
post #3 of 7
Great, especially #9!
post #4 of 7
hehe those are REALLY bad but they are funny
post #5 of 7
That's all...
post #6 of 7
Hey T-Square,
First, Thanks for the really bad puns.
Second, do you know whom to credit your signature quote to? For years I have used it and attributed it to my old friend and now departed Divisional VP Lloyd Allard. It was one of his most common remarks, but he never gave credit to where he got it, and I am quite certain it was not his originally. Any ideas?
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
I am a student of Total Quality Management. I believe I read it in one of Tom Peters' books (In Search of Excellence, A Passion for Excellence) although it could have been in one of a passle of other books I've read on the subject.

I can't for the life of me remember who said it first. I just subscribe to the sentiment. I've learned more from beating around ideas with people and then marveling at what comes up. (One of the reasons I really like this forum. I've learned a heck of a lot while participating with some of my hairbrained ideas.) As far as I'm concerned,it really doesn't matter who said it first, as long as it was said and it is remembered and understood.

Now, a good one from Tom Peters was when some frustrated exec looked at him and said, "I don't know why we are doing this, we're no worse than anyone else." From which Peters came up with the slogan CONSOLIDATED WIDGETS, We're no worse than anyone else. Kinda makes you think about some of the places you've worked, doesn't it.:
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