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Chili season's comin

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 
Thought you might enjoy this. Please read this slowly.* Pay
attention to the first two judges, but the reaction of the third judge
is even better.* For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this can be.* They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park.*The notes are from an inexperienced Chili
taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield Il.

Frank:* "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in.* I was assured by the
other two judges (native texans) that the chili would not be all that
spicy, and, besides; they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:* (Frank is Judge #3)


EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...Judge#1* --* A little too heavy on the
tomato.* Amusing kick.* Judge#2* --* Nice, smooth tomato flavor.* Very
mild.* Judge #3* --* (Frank)* Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?*
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.* Took two beers to put
the flames out.* I hope that's the worst one.* These Texans are crazy.

CHILE #2* AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI* --* Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint
of pork, slight jalapeno tang.* Judge #2 --* Exciting, BBQ flavor, needs
more peppers to be taken seriously.* Judge #3 (Frank)* --* Keep this out
of reach of children.* I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain.* I had to wave two people off who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver.* They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my

Excellent fire house chili.* Great kick.* Needs more beans.* Judge #2*
-- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.* Judge #3* --*
Call the EPA.* I've located a uranium spill.* My nose fells like I have
been snorting Drano.* Everyone knows the routine.* Get me more beer
before I ignite.* Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest.* I'm getting shit-faced from all of the

CHILI #4* DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC* --* Judge #1* --* Black bean chili with
almost no spice,* Disappointing.* Judge #2* --* Hint of lime in the
black beans.* Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili* Judge #3* -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it.* Is it possible to burn out taste buds?* Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behing me with fresh refills.* That 300-lb. woman
is starting to look hot... just like this nuclear waste I am eating!* Is
chili an aphrodasiac?

CHILI #5* LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER* --* JUDGE #1* -- Meaty, strong
chili.* Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.* Very
impressive.* Judge #2* --* Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato.* Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.* Judge
#3 -- My ears are ringing,* sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes.* I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.* The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage.* Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from pitcher.* I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off.* It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.* Screw those rednecks.

CHILI #6* PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY --* Judge #1* -- Thin, yet bold
vegetarian chili.* Good balance of spices and peppers.* Judge #2* --*
The best yet.* Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.* Superb.*
Judge #3* --* My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames.* I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair.* No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally.* Can't feel my lips anymore.* I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

CHILI #7** CARLAS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI* --* Judge #1* -- A mediocre
chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.* Judge #2* --* Ho hum,
tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment.* **I should take note that I am worried about judge #3.* He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.***
Judge #3* -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
would not feel a thing.* I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water.* My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.* My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt.* At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me.* I've decided to stop breathing, its just too painful.* Screw
it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.* If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8* KARENS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI** Judge #1* --* The perfect
ending, this is a nice blend chili.* Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.* Judge #2* -- This final entry is good, balanced
chili.* Neither mild nor hot.* Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself.* Not sure if he's going to make it.* Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
post #2 of 5
That's hilarious feallen. ROFLMAO Too funny.
post #3 of 5
Great story. I howled!! Funny. Having been stationed in Texas for three years, this Yankee has tasted some of this marvelous chili. (It took about three years for the taste buds to grow back.) But BEANS, IN CHILI!!!!: Sacrilege!! Only a G** D*** Yankee (like me ) puts beans in chili.
post #4 of 5
I haven't laughed so hard I cried in a LOOOONG time! Thank YOU!!!!
post #5 of 5
Thank you for that gem! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I had to get some Kleenex to wipe away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.
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