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Air Traffic Control

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
I know most people have probably read this before but I have to post it cos it's just too funny!!

For all you frequent travelers!!
Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor? Following are
accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers from around
the world.

************************************************** ***********
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming: US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta." Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the
difference between C's and D's but get it right. Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi nstructions
in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am."

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

************************************************** ***********
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

************************************************** ***********
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

************************************************** ***********
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

************************************************** ***********
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

************************************************** ***********
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

************************************************** ***********
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."

************************************************** ***********
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."
post #2 of 6
Yes Lokie,
Some of us even read it about 20 minutes ago on another forum where you pinched it from!

post #3 of 6
Thread Starter 
Sorry just re-read my post and don't remember saying I made it up or was there on any of the occasions or anything else, I'm sorry if it's a capital crime to post jokes from one forum to another.

I believe "Eat my shorts" is the appropriate response to this petty squabbling.
post #4 of 6
Yeah, but on the other forum, when you copied one of mine from here, at least you admited (in a backhanded compliment kind of way) that you had got it from elsewhere.

post #5 of 6
Well i enjoyed it lokeThanks for that! [img]graemlins/thumbsup.gif[/img]
post #6 of 6
Thanks Loke.
You've brought me back to my school days....
(Instead of attending a "normal" school, I attended an
"aeronautical school"...lots of afternoons spend at the airport,
beside the hangars. Lots of summer days spent sunbathing lying on airplanes wings- we were not allowed to fly at will- lots of fun listening on the radio messages...)

Since I've not read the "jokes" in the other forum, which I do not know anything about, this is a first for me.

Actually, my colleagues think I'm crazy, laughing like that in the morning...
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