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Things you'd love to say at work

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 
Things you'd love to say at work but can't

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial isconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
post #2 of 3
True story, happened to me today.
I know I have arrived as a consultant after this...
(boring background...)
I'm working on a customer site who are thowing out SAP and replacing it with JDE. I'm in to manage a team of developers to write interfaces from JDE into 17 legacy systems. I'm NOT a developer.
One of the customer's staff is trying to write an EDI interface for uploading data from SAP to JDE. He was having a problem with it, and since I was near his desk at the time (cause I was chatting to one of his colleagues who had been at the beer festival the previous night with me and a few others, and had joined a few of us for lunch at said beer festival)
(END boring background)

So, to summarise, I'm not a developer, this guy is trying to develop some code, and he asks me over (slightly hungover/slightly drunk) to help him with a problem. One of his colleagues is standing with him, hoping to learn from me. I look at the problem (I haven't a clue) and make a suggestion for him to try something. He thinks, and says, yes, it sounds like it would fix it. Well, I haven't a clue what it will do. I know it won't do any damage. He starts to carry out my suggestion. It doesn't work. I suggest I get one of my developers to come over and help, pointing out that it is not my area of expertise.
And this is what they said: "You made it sound like it would work, you spoke with confidence and authority. I guess that's what makes a consultant: 6 months of training - 5 days looking at the system, and 5 months learning how to sound confident."

OK, I guess you had to be there, but it made me and them laugh!

post #3 of 3
1. "Yes, I will gladly accept your buy-out offer of $2M to make me be quiet and go away."

2. "What? You're opening an office in Missoula and you need help getting it going? Sure I'll do it. I know a guy there who'll put me up rent-free forever."

3. "No, the tie doesn't work with the shirt. Maybe if we put this hatchet between your eyebrows..."

[ August 22, 2002, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: ryan ]
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