The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
Boring husband: "Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Bored wife: "Because I married the wrong man!"
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish ...
Do you know what they call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? -- A widow.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.