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Understanding Engineers

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
Understanding Engineers - Take One

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
post #2 of 13
Thread Starter 
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out,"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
post #3 of 13
Thread Starter 
Understanding Engineers - Take Three

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress,
they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
post #4 of 13
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer are sitting around chewing the fat when the mechanical says "I think God must be a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles, tendons and bones work together is an amazing mechanical system." The electrical says, "well, I think he was an electrical engineer. Look at the brain and nervous system--only an electrical engineer could come up with something like that." The civil engineer is quiet for a while, then he says "I'm not sure what kind of an engineer God is, but I'll tell you one thing, he's not a civil engineer. No civil engineer would ever put a pleasure area adjacent to a waste dump."
post #5 of 13
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St. Peter directs him to go below. So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and checks in.

After a few days the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, "So how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this new engineer you sent me is going to come up with next!"

God is surprised, "What??!! You've got an engineer?? That's a mistake!! He should never have gotten down there. Send him up to me at once!"

"No way!" Satan responds, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue!!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer??"
post #6 of 13
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

(with thanks to Brad Templeton)

post #7 of 13
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers cramed into a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants cramed into a restroom and the three engineers cramed into another nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
post #8 of 13
There is a half glass of scotch on a table.
The Arts student says that it symbolises unfulfilled emotions.
The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.
The Package Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, "What's the question?"
post #9 of 13
An Package Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.

All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and got some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of the building.

These two students bumped into the Package Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
post #10 of 13
Thread Starter 
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
post #11 of 13
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are driving down a steep mountain road (after skiing, of course) when, all of a sudden, the brakes quit working. The car skids all over, but finally the car crashes into the guard rail and everyone is o.k.

They all get out of the car and inspect the damage. The electrical engineer says, "you know, it must have been an electronics malfunction. The car's computer must not have activated the brakes."

The mechanical engineer says, "No way. The brakes are a hydraulic system. There must have been a leak which caused the brakes to fail."

The computer scientist says, "the only way we'll know for sure is push the car to the top of the hill and try it again."
post #12 of 13
Q What kind of student becomes an engineer?

A Someone who is good with numbers, but isn't charming enough to be an accountant.
post #13 of 13
That reminds me of a similar one...

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer and a computer programmer are about to go for a journey. They get into their car, and start the engine, but nothing happens.
So, the mechanical engineer says, "I know what's wrong, it's the rotor arm".
He gets out, works under the bonnet (hood) for a couple of minutes, then gets back into the car. He turns the key in the ignition, and nothing happens.
The electrical engineer laughed at the mechanical engineer, and, after telling him how stupid he was, claims he can fix the car. "It's the ignition coil, I'll have it fixed in a flash"
So, he gets out of the car, and starts to work on the ignition coil.
After five minutes, he gets back in, and turns the key. Nothing. Zip. Nada.

The mechanical engineer is laughing at this, meanwhile the computer programmer is sitting quietly in the back.
Suddenly he speaks.
"OK guys, I know how to fix this one"
The other two look surprised, I mean what does a computer progammer know about cars? But deciding they have nothing to lose, they listen to him.
"The solution" he continues, "is simple"
So, he asks the other two to get out of the car. They do, immediately followed by him.
He locks the doors, and walks around the car and get back in again.
"What are you playing at?" they ask him.
"Well, that's how I fix most of my problems"

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