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How to give a cat a pill...

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm-holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey to compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree
across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foilwrap.

13. Tie the little son of a !@#$$'s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


1. Wrap it in bacon.

[ May 23, 2002, 08:37 AM: Message edited by: AltaSkier ]
post #2 of 4
Great. Except I can never find the frickin' cat after the first attempt. The description also skips over the part where I put on old ski gloves as self protection.
post #3 of 4
Tune in tomorrow for instructions on giving a cat a suppository....
post #4 of 4
Too FUNNY! I'll have another beer now
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