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The Catholic Priest and his chickens

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 
The catholic priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation

"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

DB

[ May 06, 2002, 01:46 AM: Message edited by: DangerousBrian ]
post #2 of 24
Very good,
And the yanks will even understand it!

S
post #3 of 24
how do you get a nun pregnant?

dress her up as an altar boy.
post #4 of 24
Noodles,
I heard a different variation of that, but it's not printable here!

S
post #5 of 24
Here we go. This could turn into the longest thread.

The young nun comes to mother superior, all excited. "Father has the key to heaven and I have the lock. He put the key in and we're going to heaven".
Mother superior: "That son of a #%&*# told me it was Gabriel's horn and I was supposed to blow it". :
post #6 of 24
Thread Starter 
An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:

"Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

DB
post #7 of 24
Thread Starter 
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golfball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do somethingfor him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
post #8 of 24
Ha! Ha!
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest"

Acne waits till a boy's a teenager before it comes on his face!

OOOPS!!!
post #9 of 24
Thread Starter 
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off our car!"
post #10 of 24
Excellent!
post #11 of 24
Quote:
Originally posted by Wear the fox hat ?:
Noodles,
I heard a different variation of that, but it's not printable here!

S
PM me
post #12 of 24
GREAT STUFF!
We're getting there.
Drunk to the priest in the confessional:

"Got any paper on your side?"
post #13 of 24
OK,
Northern Ireland religious joke (told by both sides of the community, just with changes to names & religions)...

A man walks into a bar on the Falls Road (Catholic/Republican area of Belfast), with a crocodile under his arm.
He goes up to the barman and says "do you serve Protestants in here?"
The bar went silent. Everyone was waiting for the answer, and some of the heavies in the corner were looking angry.
The barman looked at the crowd.
He looked at the man, and finally he looked at this big crocodile with razor sharp teeth smiling back at him.
He nervously looked at the man, and said "yes".
"That's good," said the man, "I'll have a pint of Guinness, and two Protestants for the crocodile, please."

S
post #14 of 24
Sister to Mother Superior:
"I'm leaving the convent to become a prostitute."
Mother Superior faints. When revived she asks:
"You're becoming a WHAT?"
"A prostitute" sister answers.
Mother Superior:

"Oh, thank God, I thought you said "a Protestant"
post #15 of 24
A male flasher ran through a Dublin convent yesterday.

One older nun had a stroke.
A second just couldn't quite reach.

S
post #16 of 24
Thread Starter 
ROTFLMAO at the jokes ....

Quote:
Originally posted by Lisamarie:
Ha! Ha!
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest"

Acne waits till a boy's a teenager before it comes on his face!

OOOPS!!!
You're a bad bad girl. Go do 4 Hail Marys, 20 Kegels and don't forget to work those ham strings.

DB
post #17 of 24
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in along black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed
door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

[img]tongue.gif[/img]
post #18 of 24
ROTFLMAO......
post #19 of 24
Ad recently seen in England:

Join the Anglican Church. We're Just Like the Catholics...Without the Sodomy.
post #20 of 24
Thread Starter 
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slaps her.

DB
post #21 of 24
Thread Starter 
God's Total Quality Management Questionaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.


1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Bible __ Other
__ Torah (specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Horoscope __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Self-help books __ Sex
__ Biorythms __ Alcohol or drugs
__ Mantras __ Other: _____________________
__ Insurance policies __ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine,
earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous
remission of disease, sports
upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if
necessary): __________________________________________________ _______
__________________________________________________ ____________________
__________________________________________________ ____________________

Thank you!

[ May 07, 2002, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: DangerousBrian ]
post #22 of 24
The Pope, Ian Paisley and Bill Gates are in front of you.

You have a gun.

It only has two bullets.

What do you do?

Who dies and who lives?

The solution is simple: Shoot Bill Gates twice, just to make sure.

S
post #23 of 24
Seems that Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame was exploring new ways to advertise. He spent several days thinking on the problem and come up with an idea. Leaning over to his phone, he called the Vatican City and asked to speak to the Pope, indicating that he would like to make a sizable donation.

"Hello, my son?"

"Hello, your Grace, I am calling because I would like to make a sizable donation to the Roman Catholic Church."

"How nice! Why don't you send it in the mail?

"Would you like me to send one hundred million dollars in the mail?"

"One hundred million dollars! Bless you, my son. Why no, of course. My representative can visit you at your convenience!"

"But there is one little string attached..."

"Oh?"

"You know that part in the Lord's Prayer where you say 'Give us this day our daily bread'? I'd like that changed to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'."

"Oh, I see..."

The Pope covers the microphone and yells to the Cardinal attending him, "How long do we still have on that Wonder Bread Contract?"

S
post #24 of 24
The old Irishman's dog died. He went to the parish priest to see if he'd say a mass for the dog. The priest became very upset at the suggestion of a mass for an animal."Why don't you go to the Protestant church down the road, they'd probably do somthing like that", he said. "OK" the old man said. "Do you think 5000 would be a suitable donation for a service?" the old man asked.
"MY GOD!" "Ya didnot tell me the dog was Catholic" exclaimed the priest.
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