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Lawyer Jokes

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
A Dublin Lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

[ April 30, 2002, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: AC ]
post #2 of 26
"Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

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After successfully passing the bar exam, Gonzo opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it " ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"
post #3 of 26
Thread Starter 
"I'm from the phone company," Mr Jones replied "I'm here to connect your phone"

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The receptionist at the lawyers office answers her phone, "Johnson and Lewis, attorneys at law."
post #4 of 26
"Let me speak with Mr. Johnson please,"
post #5 of 26
Thread Starter 
"I'm sorry, Mr.Johnson passed away in his sleep last night," replied the receptionist.
post #6 of 26
"May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?"
post #7 of 26
Thread Starter 
"I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. Johnson died in his sleep last night." When the phone rings for the third time, the receptionist hears the same voice.
post #8 of 26
"May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?"
post #9 of 26
Thread Starter 
"Sir, I don't know what you're up to, but I recognize your voice and I've already told you that Mr. Johnson died in his sleep last night!" snapped the receptionist.

[ April 30, 2002, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: DangerousBrian ]
post #10 of 26
"I know, I'm sorry, I can't help myself," said the caller, "I just love hearing you say it over and over again."

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Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
post #11 of 26
Thread Starter 
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"
post #12 of 26
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
post #13 of 26
Thread Starter 
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
post #14 of 26
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

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What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
post #15 of 26
Thread Starter 
Soccer practice !

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand
post #16 of 26
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

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What do lawyers use for birth control?
post #17 of 26
Thread Starter 
Their personalities.
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Why don't you ever see lawyers on the beach?
post #18 of 26
The cats keep covering them up with sand.
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Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
post #19 of 26
Thread Starter 
"Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the
discussion.
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A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer," takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are arseholes!"

[ April 30, 2002, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: DangerousBrian ]
post #20 of 26
A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!"
post #21 of 26
Thread Starter 
The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
post #22 of 26
The guy replies, "No, I'm an arsehole!"
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A Debtor, called in for an audit at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
post #23 of 26
Thread Starter 
You: "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to
be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a
heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But
when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your
most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel. The man
protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The rabbi answered: "No matter what you wear, you are going to get
screwed."

[ April 30, 2002, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: DangerousBrian ]
post #24 of 26
Well, if it isn't DB and WTFH:

post #25 of 26
Upon leaving the bar, the truck driver doesn't get more than a mile down the street when he hits a pothole, blows a tire, and crashes his truck into a light pole. While trying to extricate himself from the cab of his truck, he sees a growing crowd of men and women in expensive suits surrounding his wrecked truck, thrusting their arms in through the broken windshield and waving their business cards in his face, all the while screaming at him not to move until an ambulance arrives. The truck driver reaches into his glove compartment, pulls out his handgun, leaps from the cab of his truck and opens fire on the now-scattering flock of attorneys, winging several of them in the process. As he pauses to reload, a policeman arrives on the scene and orders him to drop his weapon. He complies, whereupon the the officer promptly handcuffs him and informs him that he is under arrest. "But they're in season, aren't they?" the truck driver protests. "Well, sure, but you can't bait them."
post #26 of 26
Hey Gonzo/Oboe/Irul
(since they could well be all the same person)

How quickly can you switch log-ins???

S
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