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A "Man's Guide to Women" Dictionary

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up.
(NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five Minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement - is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you
were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for
whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a Raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.
post #2 of 8
If you came up with these on your own, I would guess that you must be married at least 15 years because every one of your definitions was astonishingly accurate (in my experience).

Tom / PM
post #3 of 8
Thread Starter 
Well, if I had been married for 15 years, I would have gotten married when I was 9. I do live in Utah, but no. I'm single, but my current relationship will attest to these. These were sent to me by a friend.
post #4 of 8
Thanks for reminding me why it's better being single.

post #5 of 8
Thread Starter 
I'm here for you Fox-Man!
post #6 of 8
I saw this once before, shown to me by a female friend.

Any idea what she meant when she said her five minutes was like a guy's (not mine, of course) six inches, but in reverse???

(edit for spelling)

[ April 16, 2002, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy P ]
post #7 of 8
Sorry, I'm not that kind of fox! (or did you just mean male bonding?)

That reminds me of the old joke:

Why are American women so bad at parking cars?

Cause American men tell them this: (------------------) is twelve inches.

post #8 of 8
Thread Starter 
Originally posted by Wear the fox hat ?:
Sorry, I'm not that kind of fox! (or did you just mean male bonding?)
No man, I don't swing like that either. Just trying to help you out. Your a strange one.
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