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And I quote....

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 
> It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade in an American school.
> History Lesson.
> The teacher asks: "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
> "Very good! And who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
> The teacher snapped at the class: "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
> She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
> Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
> The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said: "Oh sh*t, we're in BIG troubles!" and Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
post #2 of 4
Streuth, Sheila, that joke was bloody excellent, mate.
Now, thro another shrimp on the barby, and get me a stubby of VB outta the fridge.


P.S. Just trying to get you re-accustomed to Aussie life!
post #3 of 4
Thread Starter 
Any aussie chick knows you never go near the BBQ...thats a blokes domain.

VB?...sure have a couple of coldies in the fridge, ya want one ?

A few home truths
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a
sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by
placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs
from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a
fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black
rubber thongs may not
be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard".
By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the
1890s, and the development
of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians
may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to
himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not
worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the
one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the
family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then
spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have
catered for it).

20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take
everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the
car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your
front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or
leaning on the fence is
acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus
grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's
pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach
umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction,
most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact
that the call is "being made
on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she
realizes that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER
says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about
the true test for immigration
to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test:
Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs
holding a VB while watching
the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be
able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

<FONT COLOR="#800080" SIZE="1">[ April 03, 2002 01:08 PM: Message edited 1 time, by Jane ]</font>
post #4 of 4
as you know, most of those are true in every part of the world...it just feels local. I can't attest to raising a beach umbrella though, on the Oregon coast that can prove deadly.
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