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The Male Retort

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics
as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't
work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on the f*cking calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes no sense, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something,
but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

If it itches, it will be scratched.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
post #2 of 18

post #3 of 18
Forgot to add:
Just heard today on Mark & Lard show on Radio 1 that scientists have discovered that the levels of testosterone vary, and can cause "Irritable Male Syndrome", so lads, next time the woman in your life (or women for those of you in Utah) complains about your attitude, blame your hormones!

BBC News

post #4 of 18
hey Sugar,

Things could be worse, my GF came home one night to find her husband there with another bloke !!! :

Miss Jane
post #5 of 18
Well, Sugar, guess we ain't missing much, eh?

I frankly think many people don't get many of the basic requirements of living together, regarding unsexy things like compromise and mutual respect and support/understanding. I'd like to say I do, but I have no way of knowing, since I could never get a straight answer. But since his answer was to run off and marry someone else, methinks this is a standard pattern for those who prefer flight to fight (only the latter of which could produce a resolution/truce or whatever you call it). Unfortunately people forget about what drew them together and "love" often fails (perhaps is forgotten is more accurate) because it cannot pay the bills or take the kids to school. And it doesn't take orders.

There seem to be worse things than being single: like having sex with someone who makes you sick.

post #6 of 18

This started out as a joke, hey, lighten up girls!
I mean if I want to be depressed I'll read the slope rage thread about why I "live in tyranny under (my)... government beacuse (I am)... powerless against it."

Back to the subject: It's better being single, then you can laugh out loud at Alta's joke, and not worry about getting told off later!

post #7 of 18
Thread Starter 
Fox, I thought we usually get the "silent treatment" then have to guess what is wrong.
post #8 of 18
<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AltaSkier:
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.


By a strange and spooky coincidence, the sole male member (no pun intended) of our household made this very point (again, no pun intended) this very evening...

It still doesn't exactly explain why others are expected to clean up the consequences.

post #9 of 18
Why can't we just have urinals, like in the bars etc.

Anyway, we'll start hitting the target more often when you learn to reverse park properly!

post #10 of 18
SWM with GSOH, own kids, own car, own job, own house, own friends & own sanity requires female with same three days a week.

Applicants must be untroubled by snowboarders, line chiselers, large animals, occasional passive alcoholic binges, airline delays, inattentive wait staff, silly dancing, ambitious officials, foreigners and toilet seat angles.

List makers and "things to do" inventors not required.

Oz [img]smile.gif[/img]
post #11 of 18

Less than perfect parking doesn't usually leave a mess on the floor.
post #12 of 18
It does if you reverse over a cat!
post #13 of 18
Well, don't put the cat under the car in the first place.

And no pussy jokes, please...

post #14 of 18
Fox, friend of mine has one installed, he's too tall (193 cm) to stand over a normal one to...
Scotski and all, two bathrooms could be a solution (standard in most of modern Italian houses/flats, one can do watherver he pleases with "his" bathroom and, of course, deal with the consequencies)
Or, gentlemen, learn to sit!
post #15 of 18
Fox Hat, now you cannot even pee in the woods
post #16 of 18
Maybe why your squirrel hunting has not been going so well :
post #17 of 18
Mmm. Nothing wrong with my squirrel hunting! But glad to see that even my waste is useful. (in fact it may be the only bit!)

post #18 of 18
Unfortunately people forget about what drew them together and "love" often fails (perhaps is forgotten is more accurate) because it cannot pay the bills or take the kids to school. And it doesn't take orders.

in an American society that thinks "good sex" is the most important goal in a relationship, is it any wonder that not many people are willing to believe or remember that it's the interpersonal connection, and not the carnal connection, that is the foundation of a lasting relationship?

I think the saddest thing on Earth is people who stay together because of sex or because of feared loneliness.

Comic connection: I laugh at others who do such sad things.
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