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The Chili Contest

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 
Notes from an inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast::

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted
to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last moment,
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions
to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeƱo tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded
me on the back --- now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills --- that
300-pound bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about: (Judge Number Three)
JUDGE NUMBER 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell,
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Yank!
FRANK: ---------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)??
post #2 of 4
ROFLOL!
When I read this the other day at work, I couldn't stop laughing, all my colleagues thought I'd gone mad!
Needless to say, I did not care to expalin to them why I was laughing so hard, they wouldn't have understood anyway...
post #3 of 4
Very good Jane! I must admit, being from Maine (land of basic meat and potatoes), I sympathize with poor Frank! I had roommates once whose favorite sport sometimes seemed to be watching my eyes bug out as I sweated through a bowl of their green chili....

Best regards,
Bob Barnes
post #4 of 4
HAHA!
Very good Jane
Hey, i wonder if Frank would have been able to taste to chilli if they gave him VB?
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