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This is For Men Tired of Receiving Male-Bashing Jokes

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

edit: I am not a woman basher, this is just a joke!!! Please don't hate me!

How many men does it take to open a beer ?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
It's one of those"evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up
once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig ?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust".

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man
and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."

Son: In Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That's true in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters from men. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
post #2 of 6
You forgot this one, which I don't think is funny, but I believe sexist misogynist dinosaurs like you will probably find it amusing...

Why can't women ski?

Because there's no snow between the bedroom & the kitchen.


P.S. Could someone explain this joke to me?
post #3 of 6
I remember being at my friends house a few years back, watching his grandfather pull in the driveway to go fishing in the pond out back, something he did a lot.

So I mentioned to my friend that his grandpa was here again and mentioned that he sure must like fishing.

To which he responded; "Grandpa? No, he hates fishing."

"So why is over here so much?"

"Cause Grandma hates fishing more than he does."
post #4 of 6
During his first tour in "Nam", a young GI watched every morning as an old couple would set forth from the village conducting their daily ritual. The wife faithfully trailed five or six steps behind the husband as they trod the path.

Upon his return several years later he was amazed to see the old woman set out and precede the husband by a dozen paces. He remarked to the old fellow that Western ways seemed to be taking hold even out here in the boondocks! Old man shook his head.....

....... Nah, land mines.
post #5 of 6
A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving splendidly.
The fat, ugly chick in the passenger seat gave it away."
post #6 of 6
Some more sexist stuff ....

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all--money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How can you tell which men are married at a party? - As soon as they start enjoying themselves they have to go home.

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