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The Australian Constitution

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 
The Australian Constitution

We, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional coon. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are one nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grandfinal day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that its "liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more homos than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family who bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
South Australia is the province of half-decent red wines, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation - where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the
Grand Prix, but lost it when the boring views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of
anywhere too (most of it with VB written on it). Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland - supposedly God's country. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The nation's capital. The least said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.
We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us that Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party (albeit a redneck gun-toting one) can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while Brian Bloody Harradine can get 24,000 votes and control the whole country.
Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (sowhat if its about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
> We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count like cricket, netball, rugby league, rugby union, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.
> We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know that we hate the poofs who make it. We shoot, we vote, we are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
> And even though we might seem racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis!
post #2 of 5
Let's see now...

I was there quite a while ago, in Tennant Creek and Darwin, but I can certainly vouch for the fact that the NT likley has the highest beer consumption. I can assure you that I contributed my share about 22 years ago. I was there right before the big storm, and saw many familiar places devastated on tv when I was back home. Probably the best use of your national phrase and national attitude put together. No worries mate, she'll be right!

Queensland. What a place. Visited Cairns, Townsville and Brisbane. It sure could be God's country. I can't comment on dickheads, but I met a wonderful woman on the train from Cairns to Brisbane. That's a whole other story, and most assuredly not for this forum.

I was shown great welcome and friendship by a family in Sydney, who had never met me before. Brian Higgins had met my dad at a conference in San Francisco (I think) and hearing I was travelling there from NZ shortly, told my dad to have me look him up. I called at 10:00 on a Friday night from Sydney airport, and he picked me up right away, and welcomed me into his home for a week, and another week when I was leaving the country. Great family.

I will leap to the defence of Kiwis. I had the same welcome from several people there, and it is a beautiful country.

Maudlin enough for everyone?? I'd go to either place in an instant.
post #3 of 5
I really would like to argue against Jane's new version of the constitution, I really would ......

By the way, has anyone seen the recent cricket/rugby......
post #4 of 5
Thread Starter 
Ahhh but you see its my constitutional right as a person who was born in New Zealand and grew up in Australia to have a go at both countries.

Love them both to death !

Miss Jane

<FONT COLOR="#800080" SIZE="1">[ January 18, 2002 08:26 AM: Message edited 1 time, by Jane ]</font>
post #5 of 5
Very good, Jane. I've been in WA, NT, QLD & NSW, and I think that's sooo close to the truth!
Another thing the aussies do better than the rest of the world is ski resort adverts on TV. Thredbo does the best!

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