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87% Fail - How Do We Increase That Number?

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

Nolo has reported that 87% of beginning skiers fail to return to the slopes. Although a good start, it begs the question of why resorts are so ridiculously crowded, not only with beginners but their more lethal sequelae - namely the skidding, unguided missiles that infest most of the runs. These pests are omnipresent, ruining the good snow, clogging up lift lines, restaurants and bars and driving up costs. It's past due that stern action be taken to turn back this menace.


The following plan should be considered some first steps at reducing the numbers of novices who graduate to pest status and, perhaps even more importantly, whittling down the masses already there. It is by no means complete and I hope more creative minds than mine will add their own tactics.


1) Revert to traditional equipment. All skiers who cannot show that they started skiing before 1970 must be required to recapitulate the evolution of skis and boots in their own development. This means starting out on long wooden skis and leather boots and passing a strict evaluation before being allowed to graduate to straight fiberglass skis and early plastic boots (such as Langes from 1980). This will separate the wheat from the chaff and also create an outlet for manufacturers to produce further lines of gear with built-in obsolescence.


It is a critical step and I propose appointing Ott Gangl as the National Czar to administer the rule. He is personally familiar with this equipment and would be able to spot fake, modern stuff jazzed up to flout the regulations. Although he recently turned 80 years old, and is thereby immune from criticism, it will be a challenging role; he will therefore be permitted to fortify himself with shots of Jaegermeister before, during and after all meals and, if necessary, in the intervals between them.


2) All resorts shall be restricted to a single groomed run extending from the peak to the base. All other runs shall be left in their natural states. This fulfills the resorts' obligations to enable skiers of any ability level to "ski the whole mountain". As a side benefit it will channel most of the pests into a zone of carnage where the potential for accidents and injury will be enhanced, further reducing the likelihood of a skier sticking with the sport. It will also save the resorts a ton of money.


3) Ski schools should undermine the livelihoods of serious, professional ski instructors by employing vast hordes of unqualified, inept "instructor hobbyists". This will ensure that prospective skiers receive the worst possible foundation and reduce the pool of those who could potentially revive their prospects. To be fair, most ski schools do a good job of this already but there's always room for improvement.


I look forward to hearing more ideas on this vital matter.

post #2 of 6

Maybe we should dismantle and outlaw all mechanical uphill conveyances including rope tows. That should do the trick. 

post #3 of 6

Everyday is GAPER Day!yahoo.gif



post #4 of 6

87% of beginner gapers fail?

post #5 of 6

Maybe move out of Park City?popcorn.gif

post #6 of 6

I think randomly selecting those skiers who are most likely to produce dangerous offspring and say, lining them up behind a bar and having them shot for apres entertainment may be a good idea.

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