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Really Bad Joke Thread

#31
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7/2/09 at 3:06pm
  • Joined: February 2009
  • Location: Carolina Piedmont
  • Post Count: 161
Macauley Culkin; Michael this ranch is soooooooo cool.

Michael : I Know, It makes me feel lik a kid again

Macauley; I feel ya!

Michael; Hey, you wana spend the night

Macauley; Hell yea!

Michael; Cool, we will play games and sing karoke all night long.

Macauley: what song should we sing first

Michael;(quickly locking the bedroom door) Beat It.. Just Beat It!

"Why do they call him Pecan ?"

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#32
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7/3/09 at 1:04pm
  • Joined: December 2007
  • Location: The Bull City
  • Post Count: 10,778
 A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
 
'Please note that this Bank is installing new
 Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
 vehicles. 
 
 
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the
procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE
 Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' 

MALE PROCEDURE: 
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window. 
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off. 

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is theTruth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet. 
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.> 
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26.  Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.  Release Parking Brake.



I'll call BS on # 17.  It almost never gets logged.

Smell that?  Winter's coming!
 

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#33
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8/5/09 at 4:22pm
  • Joined: July 2008
  • Location: just beyond reason
  • Post Count: 610
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.  
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.  I finished my pint and noticed that
everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.  
 
 

Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional.

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#34
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8/6/09 at 11:46am
  • Joined: June 2007
  • Location: WV
  • Post Count: 1,511
Why are women like a deck of cards?



You need a heart to love one.

You need a diamond to marry one.

You need a club to smash her freak'n head in.

Annndddd....You need a spade to bury her.
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#35
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8/7/09 at 6:11am
  • Joined: December 2007
  • Location: The Bull City
  • Post Count: 10,778


Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnnys Zoo View Post

Why are women like a deck of cards?



You need a heart to love one.

You need a diamond to marry one.

The Jokers are the two dudes you caught her in bed with

You need a club to smash her freak'n head in.

Annndddd....You need a spade to bury her.

Fixed it for you

Smell that?  Winter's coming!
 

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#36
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8/22/09 at 2:26pm
  • Joined: July 2008
  • Location: just beyond reason
  • Post Count: 610

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing, the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to Sturgis out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Oh, just a couple of minutes ago....'

 

Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional.

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#37
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8/23/09 at 8:10pm
  • Joined: November 2005
  • Location: Michigan, oop nort in da land of trolls
  • Post Count: 22,525
Does this qualify?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L42C7wphzVY&feature=related 

Surviving is essential, thriving is incredible!
EpicSki Academy

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#38
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8/23/09 at 8:46pm
  • Joined: August 2009
  • Post Count: 5
What's kung fu with shoes called?

Shoezitzu
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#39
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8/23/09 at 8:50pm
  • Joined: August 2009
  • Post Count: 5
What do you call kung fu with shoes?

Shoejitsu
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#40
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8/26/09 at 6:43am
  • Joined: January 2005
  • Location: SW England
  • Post Count: 15
Grow dope.............


Plant a man,
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#41
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8/26/09 at 1:32pm
  • Joined: July 2008
  • Location: just beyond reason
  • Post Count: 610
After  having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to  have any more children..  

The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the  problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go  home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.  

The husband  said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to  my ear is going to help me with my problem."

 
"Trust me, it  will do the job", said the doctor.  

So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can  up to his ear and began to count:  

"1, 2, 3, 4,  5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his  legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This  procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania .

Growing old is mandatory.  Growing up is optional.

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